Monday, March 22, 2010

Hooks and Vices

Every time I get hooked I turn to a vice...

I don't turn to any vice (not that I have many), but I turn to one in particular... I don't know why I do that. It's not like it makes life any easier. Actually, it makes life harder. My brain stops functioning right, I get tired and irritable...and then nothing gets done.

When I come to a point in my life that I can't control, I look to control something, anything. And it always ends up being this. It's pathetic, I know.

What's even more pathetic is how I fail at controlling it. I think "Okay, this time I mean it. I'm going to seriously do it now!" Then I see something tasty, or exciting, and I forget all about it. Then I lose control again and it comes back up. It haunts my mind, and pulls at me...

The two years that I controlled it (or rather, let it control me) sucked. I didn't realize it at the time, but it did. It sucked...beyond all other suckiness. I don't think I lost anything, but I know I missed out on a lot. I learned a lot though. Learning a lot is what makes this hard for me.

Learning a lot, to me, typically means that whatever it was it was good. So in my head, my vice is actually okay. I justify it... It makes me feel like I'm in control of something instead of trying to control things I can't. It takes my mind off of things.

Right now, when I've lost control of so much, it's hard to ignore...

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