Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ready, Aim, FIRE!

It's a good thing I don't own a weapon. I would probably stop thinking sometimes and just shoot someone.

Well before I get into that, let me briefly explain my family situation.

Robin + Jeff A. = Angela (28), Jentry (26)
Robin - Jeff A.
Robin + Steve = Me (18)
Robin - Steve
Robin + Mr. Bunker = Chandler (7)
Robin + Platypus Man = Derek (2)
Angela + Garison = Cambria (7)*
Angela - Garison
Jentry + Tyler = Makenzie (11)
Jentry + Jeff L. = Braxton (5)
Steve + Kerry = Rick (14), Tylar (11)
Jeff A. + Sherry = Josh (19), Chelsea (17), Jessica (14)
Bonnie is my grandma, who, up until the last two equations, all those people live with (with the exception of the divorced men who grandma ate for dinner).
My two aunts have fetal alcohol syndrome and were adopted many many years ago. My only uncle died before I was born. Same with my grandpa. Grandma works full time.

So as you can see my family is far from normal. My sisters and parents have all made mistakes. Heck, I've made mistakes (not as bad as theirs, though).

Yes, I know my family has a few problems, but what family doesn't? All my life, my neighbors have judged ME based on what my SISTERS have done. (They got into some rough crowds, but they're straightening themselves out now.) Across the street from me, my neighbor has always treated me and the kids here like crap because of the mistakes the older people have made. Mr. Across the Street really ticks me off. He always tries to get into our business. He asks questions, so we answer them, then he gets all up in our faces and gets all preachy. As if we don't already know what is happening isn't the best thing in the world.

Mr. and Mrs. Kiddy Corner aren't like that. Actually they're the opposite. They're really welcoming and inviting. As are Mr. and Mrs. Next Door. Both of those neighbors treat the kids here really well.

All over the ward, though, there are a lot of people who don't stop to get to know me or the kids. They see, from the outside, what goes on in my house. Then they start to pass some kind of judgment on us. My sisters goes AWOL from home for a while, and suddenly Mak gets the bad end of the deal from just about everyone. The other kids start treating her poorly. Parents start becoming really rude and hurtful. To her, it seems like the world is ending.

Once I caught my BF (ex-BF actually) talking to a couple of ward members. They were all saying how messed up my family was, and how it has left me really screwed up. If I hadn't have been in a church building at the time, I would have walked right up to them and knocked them senseless. Instead I just interrupted their conversation with "Thanks, thanks for being supportive." That was the day I walked out on YW, because it walked out on me. It wasn't until a few months ago, when I started to get closer to Robyn that I gave it a second chance. I went to one activity because I was invited. When I got there, I was asked to go to camp and help out. I said yes. Now I go to camp related activities.

At one such camp related activity, Robyn told me that the other people in the ward were treating me pretty suckily behind my back. (I doubt she was lying, because why would someone lie when it would hurt someone else? I know lots of people do that, but Robyn doesn't seem like the type to do that.) One of the things she said they were saying was that I screwed up my life with my boyfriend and now I'm trying to make it better. At first I wanted to flat out beat the crap out of the people. Then I just decided I'd let it slide for now, during judgment day I'll be merciless.

As I sat there, crying to myself, I watched everyone else. I saw Ms. Goody Two Shoes with her boyfriend. Since when are boyfriends allowed at mutual activities? Did I miss that new amendment to the rules? Since when was having a boyfriend completely acceptable with the church? For the past two years I've been chastised for it! How come SHE gets to have hers come and be all buddy buddy with the wardies? I'm so extremely pissed over the whole situation. One thing I hate more than anything else is a double standard. What's wrong for me is most definitely wrong for the other people as well. If this double standard thing continues, let me tell you, their week at camp is going to be extremely hell-like.

I swear, if the ward treats Makenzie this way next year, there is going to be hell to pay. I know that the church is true, but the members aren't. But when you have a young, sensitive child who has been through a lot more than most kids her age have, the members had better well treat her right. There is a chance that she could screw her life up, now more than ever. And if these people start playing a part in that by treating her like dirt, boy oh boy, they better run...fast. There is no way me, Angie, or Jentry are going to tolerate that. I can handle a double standard, I hate them, but I can handle them. Makenzie can't. When someone treats Kenzie unfairly she takes it personally and questions herself. It tears her apart. There is no bloody way I am letting them do that to Makenzie. If all else, I'll pack up this family and move them far far away. Then I'll come back and tear through these people (if they survive camp).

I am so so angry right now, and I have been since Tuesday. I don't know if this post explained that enough. It seems like the post feels raw anger, but this is extremely tuned up anger. It's been in the making for 18 years now. No one takes the time to get the full story. They see what they want to see, and because of that victims are created. I couldn't pinpoint this anger to any one person, or any one event. It's from over the years. All the people that don't even know me or my sisters but treat us like we're dirt. All the people that see my last name and think "oh great, another one." All the people who, when I was a kid, told their kids to not play with me because my sister's friend got arrested. Oh yes, I haven't forgotten that. All the people who whisper behind closed doors about what could possibly be going on behind my closed door. All the people who have pulled a double standard. All the people who look at other people like me or my family and treat them like crap. I'm angry for all the people who have beaten down so much by the world that they, themselves, cannot stand up and fight back.

During this last year at school, Mrs. Layosa freaked out at me a lot for the grades I got when I was too sick for school. That frustrated me, but not in this same sense. She was frustrated at ME because of what I did. It was about MY actions, MY choices, MY mistakes. As unfairly as she was seeing things, it was a lot more fair than the way these people see things. (I was REALLY sick for a few years, so my grades suffered a lot. She didn't know that.)

I want to produce movies so I can fight back. I want to show the world exactly what happens when you pull a double standard on a young girl. I want to show the Mormon world that Christ would never turn their back on a young girl who had a child. I want to show this society that a child who has no parents will try to find family somewhere else, and they had better be there to give it to him. I want to show these people what being a family means. I want to show them that it isn't about being on top, it's about being together, helping, loving, and understanding. No one will be left out. All the people who have been treated unfairly will be made heroes. All the people who destroyed so many young lives will get to see themselves destroy. I want to, and I will.

1 comment:

  1. You go girl! I can't believe that they are treating Kenzie like that? Or any of you for that matter. Everyone makes mistakes and no one wants to live with being told that they did something wrong over and over again. It's just not right. I am sure that things will all work out in the end. you reap what you sew right? Anyway hang in there and know that I will always be there for you. And thanks for your comments on my blog. I think that you truly understand and feel for what is going on. Thanks for being there, now it's time to return the favor.

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