Tuesday, June 8, 2010

RMJ

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. I wish that so badly sometimes that I dream about it. I honestly dream about what I would do if I could go back in time, knowing all I knownow. I dream about going back about three years ago (which still seems like only two years ago, or one even). In my dreams I usually am walking through the old Orem High, which is a run down version of UVU that is always in my dreams about school. (It's a cross between Orchard Elementary, UVU and the Orem Public Library.) I walk down the hall and say hi to Ms. Tuttle. She has no clue who I am, so I say something clever like "Yea, don't worry about knowing me right now. In a few years I'll knock your socks off with my photo capabilities." I know that isn't clever at all, but it's what I say.

Then I walk down the hall to where my friends are sitting. Mind you, these are my friends from that time, so it's Rachel, Kayley, Brandy, Danny, Mike, Zak, Peter, Jessica and Emy (even though those last three don't go to Orem High--er, didn't go to Orem High). I say hi, and gag as I sit next to Kayley. I want so badly to kinda smack her... But I don't. She flits off to practice piano or something else she's super good at. Then I look at Emy, Pete and Jess all confused, because they don't belong there at OHS. Rachel is sitting on my right and Mike is on my left with Kay's empty seat between us. Some inside jokes are flung around, a double decker pony tickles the conversation (not literally, but you know what I mean), then Mike looks at me with his dark brown eyes. I almost puke. (At this time, he's "in-like" with me.) He asks me what's wrong and I stand up and get all up in his face.

By this time my friends are extremely confused. They should be. They don't know what I know. I get all up in his face and start chewing him out. I rant off about how rude he is, what a pompous fruit cake he is, and how much I wish he would just get hit by a truck and save us a ton of trouble. He looks at me all confused. I explain that within the next couple of years he'll completely change into some demon child that not even the devil can control. He says he'll never ever stop being my friend, blah, blah, blah. I just look at him, smack him and move on.

I turn to Rachel, and explain that in a bit she'll be different, and it'll drive me nuts. I tell her that no matter what, though, I'll never stop being her friend. She just smiles and keeps eating her bag of Doritos (Ranch, 'cause they're tasty). I look at Emy and Jess and just tell them Thanks for sticking in there for the next few years. I turn to Peter and yell at him for lying to me lots in the next few years. I tell him that telling me the truth is so much easier than pissing me off with a lie.

Then I wake up.

It feels pretty good to go back and still know what I know now. Of course it's all a dream, but whatever. Then I think about it more. If I could go back, would I really do that? Would I honestly sit there and criticize my friends? I don't think I really would. Yes, I would yell at them, and probably smack them. But I would also explain to them that I'm lost and confused, and I won't find myself until the Senior year. I'd ask them to please just hang in there. I'd apologize for calling Mike names. I'd apologize to Danny for everything (Oh! I forgot to say I'd probably smack him and tell him to grow up before he decides to kiss me). I'd tell Rachel that no matter who I get together with, she's still my BF and there is no freakin reason to ditch me! I'd tell Kayley that she is awesome as herself. I'd tell all my friends how much I care about them.

I decide that that's what I would do. Then I think about it more. I think about the people in my circle at lunch. I realize that Robyn isn't there. Which makes me realize, that's another thing I would change. I would be closer to Robyn. Having girl's nights with her makes me see that I missed out on something crazy awesome. I missed out on being friends with someone who is a true friend, thick and thin. There probably is a reason that we weren't close before. Maybe we needed to do things first before becoming friends, or maybe we needed to grow up a bit (or at least I needed to grow up) so that I could fully appreciate her friendship. Whatever the reason, I don't know if I like it.

I love being with Robyn. She is seriously one of the best friends I have ever had. We don't do much hanging out, or talking, but when we do hang out or talk, I love it. There's nothing fake about her. Robyn is Robyn. She's not trying to mold herself to be like Kayley. She's not molding herself to be like her Mom. She's not molding herself to be like anyone, but herself! That's one of the greatest things about her. I've always stood up for her. I almost punch people out who say stupid stuff about her without knowing her. The more I hang out with her, the more I want to -- I dunno how to say it -- grow up? No, that's not it. I want to be me. I want to explore more, I want to stick to my standards more. I have never felt more comfortable around anyone than I do with Robyn. (Sorry Nathan, It's true.) She truly is the most amazing person ever, and I really wish I had been a better friend all these years.

I hope that we can stay friends for a long time. I know I can't go back and change the past, but I can change the path I could be on. If I could go back, I'd seek her out and be her friend, but since I can't, I'll just try to be better at that now.

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