Friday, June 11, 2010

Second Try

*Sigh* Okay, it hasn't been long enough for me to cool off, but I am calmer, more collected.

I am so frustrated right now because I want to get married in the temple. Yup, that's it. That's all there is to it. I am ready to chuck my stuff out the window, into the rain, because I want to get married in a beautiful, castle-like building. It makes no sense, to you, I get that.

I'm so mad because I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my sisters. I'm jealous of my friends. I'm jealous of Steven Gay for being out in Zimbabwe (is that how you spell it?). I'm jealous of just about everyone. I want to get married in that temple, and right now...I can't.

It seems so simple, right? "Hi, I'm the temple fairy. Want to go to the temple? Choose the right. BING! You're all set!" WRONG! Not simple, not simple at all.

Imagine it like this. There's a little person, walking on a path. It's CRAZY hot outside where he is. At the end of this path is a HUGE lake. The water is cold, and perfect for both drinking and swimming! It's clean (this lake is WAY up in the mountains...up where nothing touches it...that's how it's so clean, in case you were wondering). This little man is climbing and hiking, and on occasion resting, but never stepping off the path. There are other people there, but these people don't seem real. They're merely ghosts and pictures. They don't really do much other than keep him company. After climbing the path for what seems like forever (even though, he knows it's only been about a mile), he gets kind of bored walking on the same path day after day. He notices that some of these ghosts leave the path, then return a few feet later and are greeted by huge hugs from the other ghosts. No one ever praises him for staying on the path, so why not leave? I mean, really, it couldn't be that bad. So he steps off the path. At first he's just walking along side the path. Parallel, but not the path. The ghosts keep on going on the path, while he forges his own. Suddenly this HUGE hill comes up on his new path. He climbs the hill, no big deal. Once over the hill, he can't see the path anymore. He walks on a bit, and catches glimpses of it. Finally, after seeing how lonely and rough it is to forge his own path, the little man heads back up to the path. He stays on it for a few feet, then drifts off again. He quickly tries to jump back on the path, but his path twists just as he's about to get up. Gravity and wind push him away again. It seems completely useless now. There's no way he'll make it to the lake... no way at all...

That's pretty much how I feel. It's pretty much useless... It's easier to just sit on a log somewhere off the path and die of thirst than to keep reaching and missing. It hurts a lot less too.

And that is why I'm so angry. That freakin path is where I want to be. I want to be there. I know I do. I've always wanted to be there. But I keep talking myself out of being there. I keep telling myself how easy it is to sit on top of a hill and watch all the ghosts swim in that huge lake. I know it won't be easy once the bears get hungry or something... but right now, it is easier. It's easier to sit alone then try to hold on to everyone walking past...

Once I hit publish, I'll probably regret it... oh well.

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