Thursday, July 15, 2010

Cookies in the Cupboard

This morning, while I was sleeping, I decided that I'm pretty tired of people assuming they know how I feel. I really don't like people trying to fix things for me. Let me fix them, okay? If I got myself into this (or someone else dragged me into it) then I can probably get myself out.

I'm going to try to describe to you what I'm feeling, sorry if you don't understand this.

Picture yourself craving a snack. You're not really hungry, you just want a snack. You go to the snack cupboard and spot a package of cookies. These cookies are amazing! So you reach in and pull out the package. Your tummy is turning with excitement, but once you open the cookie you realize that there aren't any cookies. Someone left the empty package in there. (Jerk). It was such a huge let down.

Now you feel all empty even though you were never empty to begin with. And your craving is a lot stronger than before. You reason that you could easily go to the store and buy more, but you know it wouldn't quite be the same. Going to the store takes time, and buying them takes money. Two things you really don't have. Two minutes and two bucks may not seem like a lot, but it adds up.

That's how I feel sometimes. Like I went for a snack and came back empty handed. I wanted friends, but then I put forth effort and there weren't any friends left for me. They'd formed themselves a nice little clique that was far from nice. Now someone didn't intentionally put the package back in empty, but they didn't throw it away either. Their group of friends may not appear to be doing anything out of their way, but that leads to another story.

One day I was sitting in a class with these friends. Just sitting there, listening to the teacher on the TV. I wasn't interrupting, and my friends had invited me to come sit in there instead of sitting in study hall. It was a simple situation. While we were sitting there, my friends decided they would go get a snack in the hall. So I let them go because I was studying for a final, and I didn't want to intrude. After ten minutes of them missing class I went to find them. I walked out the door and there they were. When I opened the door, they gave me the deer in the headlights look. I knew something was up, but I ignored it, thinking it was their business, not mine. So I politely asked what they were doing not in class. Sheepishly one of them said they were planning a day date for spring fling. I thought that was pretty exciting. I asked questions about what they had planned. So far they only came up with who they were asking. That's cool. So I asked if I could join their group. They looked away. I took that as a no but I needed to be sure. So I asked again. One of them finally shook her head. I thought "great, just great." I went home and cried.

You can't honestly say they didn't go out of their way to leave me out. I tried to be friends with them. I went to their choir stuff. I supported them. I helped them with their homework. Where did that leave me? Alone. Friendless. Hurt. In tears. Even after that hallway incident, there were more like it. Party after party that was planned around me that I wasn't invited to. Not choir parties, I understand those, but friend-to-friend parties and get togethers. I sat in the middle of the planning, I even tossed in ideas...all to be not invited.

Thanks guys for being there.

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