Friday, July 2, 2010

Liberatingly Empty

A few posts ago I spring cleaned all the downers out of my life. I really just drop kicked them out the door. I don't know why I did that, but it probably had to do with me getting my feelings hurt a lot. At first I was kind of at a loss of words for my own actions, but as the time went by I realized it doesn't matter that much.

I mean, yes, I am kind of hurt that it came to that. It wasn't all them. I'm sure I did things to help pull us apart, but in the end, it seemed like I was the only one getting hurt. I really don't know if any of them cried themselves to sleep over it. It seemed like I cried myself to sleep over it a lot. It didn't seem to affect them at all when something was wrong with me. When one of them was hurt I really thought about it a lot and tried to do something to help them. I supported them in their little hobbies. I tried to do silly and surprising things for them. I wanted them to always know that they can count on me. But all I got in return was a lot of dirty looks and no friends.

After I spring cleaned my life, it hurt. It really did. I mean I felt terrible that I wasn't going to be there for them anymore. I felt like I took something away that might have mattered to them. After a couple of days it got easier. I thought about all the times I was hurt and they didn't help me. Or all the times I wanted to hang out and they ignored me. I thought about all the times I caught them in the halls whispering about me. Or the plans they made with each other without me while I was sitting with them. I eventually just had to let go. I had to trust that Christ will always be there for them. I couldn't be the friend to be there but get rejected. Someone a lot better than me had to step in. So that's what I decided. When they need a friend, Christ will be there. I can't let them kick me around anymore.

Once I reached that decision, I felt a lot better about it. Before I would be concerned about who was doing what and if they were okay. Now I don't really care. I care if they get hurt, but I'm not going to hold out my hand to people who reject it. I texted one of them the other day, just to pass a message along. And we talked for about five minutes. During this conversation I told my friend that it would be a fun idea for her and her besties to go do a girl's night out and stuff. She told me that she wouldn't take another girl because that girl was having boy trouble and she didn't want to deal with it. That was a terrible thing to say. I know that girls are always in the middle of some sort of boy drama. And eventually, people get sick of it. But at this age, everything is dramatic. So does that mean we just ditch our friends because of a weeks worth of stress? I wouldn't! I really got sick of Vodka's drama, but I never ever stopped caring about her. I put my two cents in when appropriate. I never ever ditched Yvonne because she liked the same boys I did. I didn't stop being polite to Cougar because she sneaked out with her BF one day. These are part of life. We're teen girls for heck sake! Obviously there is going to be drama involved, but that is no reason at all to exclude someone. After my friend said that, I pretty much ended it right then and there. I didn't tell her off, but I just quietly stopped responding. It would be silly to ask if they were ever like that to me. OF COURSE THEY WERE!

The conversation ended, and everything was okay. It felt like an okay end to a chapter of life. It definitely leaves room for a sequel, but it ended. I feel free now. Not like they were chaining me down. But all that energy I was using towards them is just simmering in me. I hand it out here and there to tie myself to other people. It feels like the energy I used to hold myself to one of those girls is enough energy to tie myself to five other girls. With all this energy I am a lot more focused on people who need it. It's liberating to know that when I text a friend it isn't going to end in my crying. It's exciting to get a text from someone who genuinely wants to talk to me or hang out with me. It's a lot of fun to exhort this energy on the kids lives here. It's funny to see how they all are daily, and it's nice to let them know I can put forth a lot more energy for them. 

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