Thursday, September 30, 2010

K - Kayley

Not going to lie, I debated on skipping K and coming back to it later. However, I am way to OCD to do that. I wanted to skip it because of a lot of raw feelings I still have.

I don't hate Kayley. Okay? Let's get that out there right now. I DO NOT HATE KAYLEY. Okay, now we can move forward.

A lot can happen in a short time. A lot did happen in a short time. I don't know what though. When I think about Kayley and all I feel for her right now, it feels like a huge chunk of my memory is gone. I don't remember what happened, or how it happened, or why it happened, but I know something happened. Have you ever had a word on the tip of your tongue and you just can't get it out? That's how this feels. It feels literally like something is missing. It makes all my raw, sore feelings feel useless and ridiculous. There is nothing keeping those feelings inside anymore.

On one hand it's really relieving, on the other hand it's really frustrating. What was keeping them inside? I guess it doesn't matter.

Kayley has always been one of my best friends. We used to get a long so well. In junior high she was there through a lot of weird experiences. We had classes together (which, by the way, made school a lot more fun). We ate lunch together. We talked. We were friends. Being around her always made me want to do better and be better. She was one of those friends that inspires those around her. Kayley is a great girl.

If I had to choose one thing to say to Kay, it would be, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all those things I said and did, even though I can't remember them, I remember how hurtful and retarded they were. I'm sorry that I haven't said I'm sorry in person. I'm sorry I can gather the courage or might to do that. One day I will. One day, Kayley, I'll show up randomly on BYU campus and say I'm sorry. It might be sooner, it might be later, but it will happen. I promise. I owe you at least that much.

P.S. Kay, this is off my blog, which is why it sounds like it's addressed to someone else that isn't you. 

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