Thursday, October 21, 2010


I am crazy stressing out. Not in a bad wait, stress isn't good. duh. silly me.

But seriously, I am. I feel like I'm way behind in school. Not in classes, but in my degree. I'm getting restless. I want to start applying what I know. But I don't make enough money to just go buy premier pro. I think I decided on elements anyway, but that's not the point here. The point is. I need to get out there, I need a camera, I need software. I need time! I need more time in a day. There are sacrifices that I'm willing to make, but I just have to make myself make them. Like this next month. I'm buying elements.

The reason I'm so stressed is because of the competition of this degree. I feel like I really have to push myself and make myself better. I need to be more dedicated than the other students. I need to know more. I need to learn faster. I need to be more social. I need to be better than them. I need all this so that producers don't even think twice when they decide to hire me. There are a lot of people out there who are farther along in school and they're getting paid $200 an hour to work for two weeks a month. I want that. I want to be one of those people.

I love work, and I love how Kirk is letting me use this time to better myself. That will help a lot later, but I'm worried that I'm missing out on something. I don't think I'm missing out on anything, but I still get worried.

Thankfully,  my degree is relaxing for Nathan. We get to watch a lot of movies and shows, and he gets to enjoy them with me while I sit there and learn from them. That is hands down the best part of this degree so far.

I'm also stressing about individual moments. Like work. I'm worried I'm going to screw up the new website. I'm worried that Bob will think I'm silly because I don't take as good of pictures as his other students (I want to impress him because he's a major film person). I'm worried that Paul is going to hate me forever no matter how hard I try. I'm worried that I'll be so focused on being better that I'll forget why I want to be better. I'm worried I'll get caught up in the storm of the film industry and forget that I want to make films to help people, not to entertain them.

*sigh* yea. I really just need a break. I should have rested more during fall break. I think this weekend I'll go cellphone/computer free.

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