Sunday, June 27, 2010

Soap Box Opera

I don't know why I put "Opera" in the title. It just seemed to sound right. It has nothing to do with this post though. I'm not about to sing to you what I'm going to say here.

I am however going to stand on my little soap box and say something. My friend told me something about someone who I don't particularly like. I'm not going to say who or what, because that isn't my point. My point is she told me something that I had to make a decision about. I don't mean I'm going to decide what her friend should do, because that would be incredibly awkward. ("Hi, I'm Morgan. I doubt you really like me all that much, but I'm going to tell you how to run your life. Does that sound good to you?") I had to decide how to treat that information. I could have been an outright hypocrite: "EW! WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?! DOESN'T SHE KNOW THAT MURDER IS A TERRIBLE THING?!" after I have murdered someone. Or I could have been more diplomatic about it: "Well...huh... It seems to me that she has herself a problem. I wish she wouldn't do that, but it is her life." Needless to say, I picked neither of those. I couldn't be a hypocrite and pull a double standard, nor could I just let it pass. I went for a middle ground: "EW! What in the world? Why?" I can say ew, even though I murdered someone too...because it's still sick, no matter how many people you kill, it doesn't get less sick. Actually it gets more sick... manslaughter is a terrible terrible thing. I could ask why she wanted to murder someone, because even though I did it, my reasons could be way different than hers.

All in all, I am very proud of myself for not stooping to the levels of Mrs. South of the Fourth Street by criticizing. I'm happy with the way I handled it, and how I'll keep handling it.I'll run into this friend someday and I'm not going to look down on her (mainly because she is taller than me), instead I'm going to keep treating her the same as I always have. Her decision to murder people does not affect me. Unless of course she murders me or someone close to me...then I might have to take some action... and get a bigger soap box. 

Catch 22

So I just found out that the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Across the Street is best buds with my youngest sister, TyTy. This presents an interesting situation. I just informed Little Miss Across the Street that TyTy was my sis. Mrs. Across the Street didn't seem to thrilled about that. But what is she going to do now? If she invites TyTy over  (which I hope she does for Ty's sake) then she's pulling a double standard on Makenzie, who she doesn't let Little Miss Across the Street play with. If she doesn't then she's going against what she told her daughter already. Either way, she pulls a double standard. It's a catch 22.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ready, Aim, FIRE!

It's a good thing I don't own a weapon. I would probably stop thinking sometimes and just shoot someone.

Well before I get into that, let me briefly explain my family situation.

Robin + Jeff A. = Angela (28), Jentry (26)
Robin - Jeff A.
Robin + Steve = Me (18)
Robin - Steve
Robin + Mr. Bunker = Chandler (7)
Robin + Platypus Man = Derek (2)
Angela + Garison = Cambria (7)*
Angela - Garison
Jentry + Tyler = Makenzie (11)
Jentry + Jeff L. = Braxton (5)
Steve + Kerry = Rick (14), Tylar (11)
Jeff A. + Sherry = Josh (19), Chelsea (17), Jessica (14)
Bonnie is my grandma, who, up until the last two equations, all those people live with (with the exception of the divorced men who grandma ate for dinner).
My two aunts have fetal alcohol syndrome and were adopted many many years ago. My only uncle died before I was born. Same with my grandpa. Grandma works full time.

So as you can see my family is far from normal. My sisters and parents have all made mistakes. Heck, I've made mistakes (not as bad as theirs, though).

Yes, I know my family has a few problems, but what family doesn't? All my life, my neighbors have judged ME based on what my SISTERS have done. (They got into some rough crowds, but they're straightening themselves out now.) Across the street from me, my neighbor has always treated me and the kids here like crap because of the mistakes the older people have made. Mr. Across the Street really ticks me off. He always tries to get into our business. He asks questions, so we answer them, then he gets all up in our faces and gets all preachy. As if we don't already know what is happening isn't the best thing in the world.

Mr. and Mrs. Kiddy Corner aren't like that. Actually they're the opposite. They're really welcoming and inviting. As are Mr. and Mrs. Next Door. Both of those neighbors treat the kids here really well.

All over the ward, though, there are a lot of people who don't stop to get to know me or the kids. They see, from the outside, what goes on in my house. Then they start to pass some kind of judgment on us. My sisters goes AWOL from home for a while, and suddenly Mak gets the bad end of the deal from just about everyone. The other kids start treating her poorly. Parents start becoming really rude and hurtful. To her, it seems like the world is ending.

Once I caught my BF (ex-BF actually) talking to a couple of ward members. They were all saying how messed up my family was, and how it has left me really screwed up. If I hadn't have been in a church building at the time, I would have walked right up to them and knocked them senseless. Instead I just interrupted their conversation with "Thanks, thanks for being supportive." That was the day I walked out on YW, because it walked out on me. It wasn't until a few months ago, when I started to get closer to Robyn that I gave it a second chance. I went to one activity because I was invited. When I got there, I was asked to go to camp and help out. I said yes. Now I go to camp related activities.

At one such camp related activity, Robyn told me that the other people in the ward were treating me pretty suckily behind my back. (I doubt she was lying, because why would someone lie when it would hurt someone else? I know lots of people do that, but Robyn doesn't seem like the type to do that.) One of the things she said they were saying was that I screwed up my life with my boyfriend and now I'm trying to make it better. At first I wanted to flat out beat the crap out of the people. Then I just decided I'd let it slide for now, during judgment day I'll be merciless.

As I sat there, crying to myself, I watched everyone else. I saw Ms. Goody Two Shoes with her boyfriend. Since when are boyfriends allowed at mutual activities? Did I miss that new amendment to the rules? Since when was having a boyfriend completely acceptable with the church? For the past two years I've been chastised for it! How come SHE gets to have hers come and be all buddy buddy with the wardies? I'm so extremely pissed over the whole situation. One thing I hate more than anything else is a double standard. What's wrong for me is most definitely wrong for the other people as well. If this double standard thing continues, let me tell you, their week at camp is going to be extremely hell-like.

I swear, if the ward treats Makenzie this way next year, there is going to be hell to pay. I know that the church is true, but the members aren't. But when you have a young, sensitive child who has been through a lot more than most kids her age have, the members had better well treat her right. There is a chance that she could screw her life up, now more than ever. And if these people start playing a part in that by treating her like dirt, boy oh boy, they better run...fast. There is no way me, Angie, or Jentry are going to tolerate that. I can handle a double standard, I hate them, but I can handle them. Makenzie can't. When someone treats Kenzie unfairly she takes it personally and questions herself. It tears her apart. There is no bloody way I am letting them do that to Makenzie. If all else, I'll pack up this family and move them far far away. Then I'll come back and tear through these people (if they survive camp).

I am so so angry right now, and I have been since Tuesday. I don't know if this post explained that enough. It seems like the post feels raw anger, but this is extremely tuned up anger. It's been in the making for 18 years now. No one takes the time to get the full story. They see what they want to see, and because of that victims are created. I couldn't pinpoint this anger to any one person, or any one event. It's from over the years. All the people that don't even know me or my sisters but treat us like we're dirt. All the people that see my last name and think "oh great, another one." All the people who, when I was a kid, told their kids to not play with me because my sister's friend got arrested. Oh yes, I haven't forgotten that. All the people who whisper behind closed doors about what could possibly be going on behind my closed door. All the people who have pulled a double standard. All the people who look at other people like me or my family and treat them like crap. I'm angry for all the people who have beaten down so much by the world that they, themselves, cannot stand up and fight back.

During this last year at school, Mrs. Layosa freaked out at me a lot for the grades I got when I was too sick for school. That frustrated me, but not in this same sense. She was frustrated at ME because of what I did. It was about MY actions, MY choices, MY mistakes. As unfairly as she was seeing things, it was a lot more fair than the way these people see things. (I was REALLY sick for a few years, so my grades suffered a lot. She didn't know that.)

I want to produce movies so I can fight back. I want to show the world exactly what happens when you pull a double standard on a young girl. I want to show the Mormon world that Christ would never turn their back on a young girl who had a child. I want to show this society that a child who has no parents will try to find family somewhere else, and they had better be there to give it to him. I want to show these people what being a family means. I want to show them that it isn't about being on top, it's about being together, helping, loving, and understanding. No one will be left out. All the people who have been treated unfairly will be made heroes. All the people who destroyed so many young lives will get to see themselves destroy. I want to, and I will.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

KJordan Photography

(I REALLY hope that's what the little card said.)

 Photoshop. The death of great photography. Don't get me wrong, I think photoshop is awesome! I just believe it is an art within itself. Too many people take and use it to cheat in the photography world. You can do some things on photoshop that aren't cheating, in my book anyway. But there are a million things you can do with it to change your snapshot into a work of art. Photoshopped images are an art within themselves. They can't compete with the true genius of photography.

It seems that photography is a dying art, in that people can cheat in it now. It's hard to tell what's real and what's completely fake. Maybe I'm just completely out of the loop, but from where I stand true photographers are being killed. Who is killing them? The answer is not a who but a what. Digitization is killing them. People can snap, snap, snap away on their cameras then just delete the ones they don't like. (I confess, I do that sometimes.) People who know NOTHING past point-and-shoot methods are buying expensive DSLRs. They buy all the fancy lenses then take pictures of their kids' birthdays--basic snapshots. The camera never gets off auto. If the picture has red eyes, no problem. Pop it up on photoshop and zap the redness out. Zits? Easy-Peasy. With a few clicks the pains of adolescence are gone, and everyone has perfect skin! Eye colors can be changed. Heads and bodies switched around. Locations, backgrounds, foregrounds, shirt color, clothes in general, even shadows can be changed with a few clicks here and there. The joy of getting that perfect shot is gone! Digitization takes that excitement away.

Recently I went to a gallery. It was featuring a young and new photographer. Her name is Kristy Jordan. I walked through the gallery and looked at each picture. Each picture was of a person. A close up. Their eyes crystal clear. Their zits all still there. Their smiles crooked or straight. Their fly-away hairs sticking up. Their nostrils flared. Some even had food on their faces (haha, but it was supposed to be there)! Most of the pictures were in black and white. The classic picture look.

Each subject peeked out of their shot. Each said someone about both the photographer and the viewer. (The subject said stuff, but not as powerful as the other two.) The photographer said "This boy is becoming a man, but he's not sure about what kind of man." or "This girl wishes she had her prince charming. Little does she know he's already in her life." (Not exact quotes.) The viewer could either say "Woo, more portraits. Ew a zit!" and move on. Or the viewer could say "Wow. I wonder how that person is doing. They look hurt." The first viewer belonged to the "photoshop artists" guild. They're the type of people that don't understand the point of photography. The second viewer listened to what the photographer was saying. They heard them loud and clear and understood every thing. The second group are true photographers. (I fell closer to the second group, by a lot.)

After looking at all the pictures, I read the short paragraph about Ms. Jordan's work. She talked about how people's faces tell stories. Their eyes say so much, if you just listen. I don't remember exactly what the paragraph said, because that wasn't important. What was important is why she chose that subject type. She chose it because so much can be said in simplicity. That's what art is. It tells a story in it's colors or shades. It tells a story in a snap or a second. (A picture is worth a million words.)

Then I saw the camera that Kristy uses. It's a classic camera, with plates and a cover. Images come in upside down. She catches them and turns them upside right. If I didn't think it before, I knew right then Kristy was a true artist. She was one of those few people who have photo emulsion running through her veins. (Actually that would kill her, but you get it.) Cross my heart, hope to die, Kristy Jordan is a true artist--a true photographer. I'm so lucky to know someone so straight up awesome.

I know that I'll be calling her for my wedding photos when that time comes. And in the mean time I really  hope her photographer takes her places--places she wants to go.

No more Ms. Nice Morgie!

Okay, So I've been giving this a lot of thought (sorta...enough thought anyway). I don't see why I'm so bloody nice to my "friends."

To put us all on the same page, let me tell you my definition of a friend. This is the definition I've used ALL my life, so forget whatever Webster and his dictionary say (seriously, just 'cause he can alphabetize and define every word in the English language, it does not mean Webster knows anything!).

A friend: Noun, someone who stands by you, stands up for you, and stands when there is only one chair (jk, that last one I just threw in there). A friend is someone who won't judge you, but will love you no matter what predicament you find yourself in. A friend is someone who will tell you if your clothes are hideous, or if your haircut looks like the wrong end of a dog, but they'll say it nicely. What separates a friend from anyone else is their super power: love.

Growing up I've always had at least one best friend. (A best friend is like a SUPER friend, only they don't wear a cape.) I fought a ton with my first best friend, but at the end of the day we never wanted to stop being together. Heck, we're still friends today, even though he moved away ten years ago.

Recently, in today's society, it seems that friendship means squat! When Danny and I were together, it was all cool. Worst relationship ever (for me), but my friends were all okay. I get a new, wonderful boyfriend and suddenly it's like I'm the devil's daughter! First, one of my friends (Fred) got all pissy at me and, I swear, wanted me dead. He's still a butthead. My girl friends all began to ditch me. Like in Disneyland. WHO DOES THAT!? Who rides on a bus next to their BEST FRIEND for twelve hours, then "forgets" about her in the bathroom and ditches her in CALIFORNIA? Then, that same person, after ditching their BF, gets all defensive and starts to blame the person that got ditched. WHO I ASK!? Yes, yes I am pretty pissed about that. I know it happened over a year ago, but it still hurts, and I'm never going to forget it.

Another friend, that I was super close to, decided that I'm no longer cool enough to hang out with her group. So, instead of making time for me, she decides it's just easier to whisper behind my back (mind you, she sucks at whispering) and play nice to my face than to be straight up and stand up for me. But hey, I don't care about that. I just don't understand at all.

You know what else I don't understand? How someone could totally turn on the one person ALWAYS there for them. I'm not kidding, it's a real life story. Once upon a time I met a girl. She was new. Not many people liked her. All of my friends (guy friends) found it very very entertaining to make her cry. I foiled every single plan to make her cry that I could. I think I got all but one. I was called a lot of mean names and I got pretty dang hurt. Of course I never got upset at her, it wasn't her fault. I told the guys that I couldn't be friends with them if they were going to be jerks like that. I told them I would do anything in my power to stop them and if given the chance I would reverse the trick straight back on them. It wasn't right to be hurting some girl they didn't even know. So after making my junior high years suck, this girl was a complete jerk to me because I got into a fight with some boy. (That boy was rude to me, I told him to suck it. The girl got all huffy at me for hurting his feelings.) She told me to get lost because I was a terrible friend. I recapped how much I did for her, and she still thinks I'm terrible. About a year or two after that, this year at school I still helped her, I listened to her, I even took interest in her interests! Of course it didn't matter because she still thinks I'm a complete loser and a terrible friend.

I could go on, but those three stories are the ones that bug me the most.

I'd write out a whole story but I already did on a previous post (RMJ) about a true friend.

Nathan is a true friend. No matter how much I pick on him or get upset at him, he never ever ever ditches me, whispers behind my back (he's not that good at whispering either), nor tells me I'm terrible. No matter what happens between us, he'll always be my best friend.

My siblings are great friends, for the most part. If you take the average. =) Yea, they bug me, or steal my stuff, or break my stuff, but they'll never ditch me. Not all nine of them anyway.

So in my thinking (which I mentioned earlier), I wondered why I even stick up for the people that won't even wait five minutes for me. Why do I go out of my way to support their activities when they didn't even go to the photo show during lunch to see what I do? Why do I stand up for them when given the chance they'll talk badly about me or my family? Why do I let them read my blog and see what is going on in my life when they won't make time to even text me how they are? Why do I let them hurt me?

I was taught to be kind to everyone, so I don't plan on being rude or mean to anyone. But what goes around comes around. I'm done trying to be nice. I don't need people like that in my life. I'm ready to move on. I'm done making all the efforts. It's your turn.

If you want to be MY friend, you can text me. My friends text and call me. We do stuff together (or at least try to between work shifts and stuff). This will be the last blog post you receive if I don't think you're a true friend. If you get another post then thank you; thank you for being a friend, for supporting me, and for being an example to me. If you don't get another post, then I'm sorry. Just like all ships, friendship requires at least two people to float. Consider this ship sunk. Bye.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Familia

So I decided that life would be incredibly dull if I lived in a normal, traditional, Mormon family. No offense to those of you who do. I just think I'd get bored.

It would be so weird to go visit Grandma on Sundays. Could you imagine that? I sure can't!

Or having all my siblings in one house? Well I probably wouldn't have nine siblings (not including nieces and nephews that I live with now). I'd probably have a few siblings, like three or so. I would watch them all grow up. WEIRD!

I like having my family so spread out that I can only talk to most of them through text or FB. Or having so many siblings that I'm not actually related to a few of them. I love living with my grandma and all my nieces and nephews. Of course there are some things I could live without...like the stupid things my older sisters have done all my life... But life wouldn't be the same if I didn't have to keep track of four screaming kids, go to a baseball game here and there, make sure my older brother isn't being stupid (again), or even just having no mom or dad to raise me. I'm not sorry that they didn't get to raise me, and I'm not wishing for a new life. I love this life...with all it's problems and issues. It keeps me busy, and probably out of a lot of trouble.

Comments

It was brought to my attention that my comment box was "impossible to figure out" and simple "not there!" So I tried to fix it. I pushed a lot of random buttons and clicked around for a bit. I don't know what I did, so hopefully it works now. If I clicked something totally wrong and I get a letter in the mail telling me some man in Turkey wants to hook I think I'll probably cry. I don't think that'll happen though...hopefully...well you never know with the internet these days...

Friday, June 11, 2010

Second Try

*Sigh* Okay, it hasn't been long enough for me to cool off, but I am calmer, more collected.

I am so frustrated right now because I want to get married in the temple. Yup, that's it. That's all there is to it. I am ready to chuck my stuff out the window, into the rain, because I want to get married in a beautiful, castle-like building. It makes no sense, to you, I get that.

I'm so mad because I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my sisters. I'm jealous of my friends. I'm jealous of Steven Gay for being out in Zimbabwe (is that how you spell it?). I'm jealous of just about everyone. I want to get married in that temple, and right now...I can't.

It seems so simple, right? "Hi, I'm the temple fairy. Want to go to the temple? Choose the right. BING! You're all set!" WRONG! Not simple, not simple at all.

Imagine it like this. There's a little person, walking on a path. It's CRAZY hot outside where he is. At the end of this path is a HUGE lake. The water is cold, and perfect for both drinking and swimming! It's clean (this lake is WAY up in the mountains...up where nothing touches it...that's how it's so clean, in case you were wondering). This little man is climbing and hiking, and on occasion resting, but never stepping off the path. There are other people there, but these people don't seem real. They're merely ghosts and pictures. They don't really do much other than keep him company. After climbing the path for what seems like forever (even though, he knows it's only been about a mile), he gets kind of bored walking on the same path day after day. He notices that some of these ghosts leave the path, then return a few feet later and are greeted by huge hugs from the other ghosts. No one ever praises him for staying on the path, so why not leave? I mean, really, it couldn't be that bad. So he steps off the path. At first he's just walking along side the path. Parallel, but not the path. The ghosts keep on going on the path, while he forges his own. Suddenly this HUGE hill comes up on his new path. He climbs the hill, no big deal. Once over the hill, he can't see the path anymore. He walks on a bit, and catches glimpses of it. Finally, after seeing how lonely and rough it is to forge his own path, the little man heads back up to the path. He stays on it for a few feet, then drifts off again. He quickly tries to jump back on the path, but his path twists just as he's about to get up. Gravity and wind push him away again. It seems completely useless now. There's no way he'll make it to the lake... no way at all...

That's pretty much how I feel. It's pretty much useless... It's easier to just sit on a log somewhere off the path and die of thirst than to keep reaching and missing. It hurts a lot less too.

And that is why I'm so angry. That freakin path is where I want to be. I want to be there. I know I do. I've always wanted to be there. But I keep talking myself out of being there. I keep telling myself how easy it is to sit on top of a hill and watch all the ghosts swim in that huge lake. I know it won't be easy once the bears get hungry or something... but right now, it is easier. It's easier to sit alone then try to hold on to everyone walking past...

Once I hit publish, I'll probably regret it... oh well.

Go AWAY!

I am so freakin frustrated right now. It's just one of those days where everything seems all wrong. Nothing has gone wrong, but it just seems all wrong. I'm so mad and frustrated and AAAAAAHHHHHH!

I want to eat, but NOTHING sounds good. I'd rather stupid starve than eat something that sounds nasty. I wanted to do my hair different today, that failed twice because no matter how hard I tried my hair just poofs back to BLAH! I want to do stuff, but nothing sounds fun at all. I'm sick of sleeping. That's all I've done this week. I want to go do stuff, but I have NOTHING to do! I want to watch movies, but that seems so boring... I want to go to Orem City Days just to take pictures, but again, that sounds a bit boring!

There's definitely something wrong with me if I think taking pictures sounds boring! Ah, I just wanna sit here and cry. I'm so so so so so so so so so angry today! This post is a mess! I'm jumping around, not explaining anything! I can barely come up with words to describe how very very upset I am! I just want to bang my head on the keyboard.

*sigh* Maybe I'll post again later when I'm not about to toss my laptop through the window.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

WAIT! STOP THE CLOCK! i'm not ready to grow up yet...

Okay, I think I might barf. Seriously...

So first off, know that I am NOT judging anyone. I don't think anything less of anyone I mention in this post, I PROMISE!

One day I was sitting in the office cutting out paper hearts or something and these girls I'm with start talking about the wedding. I was EXTREMELY confused. Who gets married in high school? Then I found out it was some people that I knew. One that I've known since forever! I was pretty blown away. Then I found out that they have at least one kid... again, BLOWN AWAY. Right then I think I would have thrown up except for I hadn't eaten much so I needed to keep all food inside of me.

Then my neighbor across the road comes home from his MISSION. That means he's 21... no big deal, except that IT IS A BIG DEAL! This is a kid I've known my entire life. Now he's all grown up and preparing for marriage and junk. That's cool and all, but he's twenty FREAKIN one!

Then my neighbor down the road gets married. She's an adult and has every right to do that. But it was so weird seeing her with her husband at their reception. Isn't she still a little girl? My goodness.

Then I'm just barely sitting here playing on facebook, which I haven't done in a long time. And I see this name on my wall updates that I don't recognize. So I click on the name and BAM it's a girl I've known for so long! Turns out she got married last month and has an adorable baby girl.

One of my best friends is moving out and away! She'll be gone, just as quick as the day she appeared in my neighborhood ten years ago or so. WTM? She can't do that! She's what? Ten still? Honestly!

She's not the only one moving out and away, this other kid I know is doing it too! I know he's still about five, mentally, so he should really just stay put...for a long long long time. Maybe forever actually. He can't possibly be old enough to move out on his own! but he's doing it anyway!

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!? It's like I blinked and BAM everyone is all grown up! I can still remember being little with these people... and that's amazing because I can barely remember what I did last week! I am so not ready for this. I'm ready to sit back, relax and watch a little "te-vy." I am in no way ready to watch my friends grow up. Nope, not at all. No way, Jose. (Got it Jose? NO WAY!)

So if you'd be so kind as to stop the clock, I'd like to get off for a while.

Yea, I'm a brat, so what?

So I really REALLY want to steal a certain someone's tires. I mean how freakin funny would it be if I went out and stole them the night before girl's camp? Then what would he do? Haha, I wouldn't really steal them though. I would just take them off and place them somewhere else in his yard. I'd probably only steal one, but it'd still be very very funny!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

RMJ

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. I wish that so badly sometimes that I dream about it. I honestly dream about what I would do if I could go back in time, knowing all I knownow. I dream about going back about three years ago (which still seems like only two years ago, or one even). In my dreams I usually am walking through the old Orem High, which is a run down version of UVU that is always in my dreams about school. (It's a cross between Orchard Elementary, UVU and the Orem Public Library.) I walk down the hall and say hi to Ms. Tuttle. She has no clue who I am, so I say something clever like "Yea, don't worry about knowing me right now. In a few years I'll knock your socks off with my photo capabilities." I know that isn't clever at all, but it's what I say.

Then I walk down the hall to where my friends are sitting. Mind you, these are my friends from that time, so it's Rachel, Kayley, Brandy, Danny, Mike, Zak, Peter, Jessica and Emy (even though those last three don't go to Orem High--er, didn't go to Orem High). I say hi, and gag as I sit next to Kayley. I want so badly to kinda smack her... But I don't. She flits off to practice piano or something else she's super good at. Then I look at Emy, Pete and Jess all confused, because they don't belong there at OHS. Rachel is sitting on my right and Mike is on my left with Kay's empty seat between us. Some inside jokes are flung around, a double decker pony tickles the conversation (not literally, but you know what I mean), then Mike looks at me with his dark brown eyes. I almost puke. (At this time, he's "in-like" with me.) He asks me what's wrong and I stand up and get all up in his face.

By this time my friends are extremely confused. They should be. They don't know what I know. I get all up in his face and start chewing him out. I rant off about how rude he is, what a pompous fruit cake he is, and how much I wish he would just get hit by a truck and save us a ton of trouble. He looks at me all confused. I explain that within the next couple of years he'll completely change into some demon child that not even the devil can control. He says he'll never ever stop being my friend, blah, blah, blah. I just look at him, smack him and move on.

I turn to Rachel, and explain that in a bit she'll be different, and it'll drive me nuts. I tell her that no matter what, though, I'll never stop being her friend. She just smiles and keeps eating her bag of Doritos (Ranch, 'cause they're tasty). I look at Emy and Jess and just tell them Thanks for sticking in there for the next few years. I turn to Peter and yell at him for lying to me lots in the next few years. I tell him that telling me the truth is so much easier than pissing me off with a lie.

Then I wake up.

It feels pretty good to go back and still know what I know now. Of course it's all a dream, but whatever. Then I think about it more. If I could go back, would I really do that? Would I honestly sit there and criticize my friends? I don't think I really would. Yes, I would yell at them, and probably smack them. But I would also explain to them that I'm lost and confused, and I won't find myself until the Senior year. I'd ask them to please just hang in there. I'd apologize for calling Mike names. I'd apologize to Danny for everything (Oh! I forgot to say I'd probably smack him and tell him to grow up before he decides to kiss me). I'd tell Rachel that no matter who I get together with, she's still my BF and there is no freakin reason to ditch me! I'd tell Kayley that she is awesome as herself. I'd tell all my friends how much I care about them.

I decide that that's what I would do. Then I think about it more. I think about the people in my circle at lunch. I realize that Robyn isn't there. Which makes me realize, that's another thing I would change. I would be closer to Robyn. Having girl's nights with her makes me see that I missed out on something crazy awesome. I missed out on being friends with someone who is a true friend, thick and thin. There probably is a reason that we weren't close before. Maybe we needed to do things first before becoming friends, or maybe we needed to grow up a bit (or at least I needed to grow up) so that I could fully appreciate her friendship. Whatever the reason, I don't know if I like it.

I love being with Robyn. She is seriously one of the best friends I have ever had. We don't do much hanging out, or talking, but when we do hang out or talk, I love it. There's nothing fake about her. Robyn is Robyn. She's not trying to mold herself to be like Kayley. She's not molding herself to be like her Mom. She's not molding herself to be like anyone, but herself! That's one of the greatest things about her. I've always stood up for her. I almost punch people out who say stupid stuff about her without knowing her. The more I hang out with her, the more I want to -- I dunno how to say it -- grow up? No, that's not it. I want to be me. I want to explore more, I want to stick to my standards more. I have never felt more comfortable around anyone than I do with Robyn. (Sorry Nathan, It's true.) She truly is the most amazing person ever, and I really wish I had been a better friend all these years.

I hope that we can stay friends for a long time. I know I can't go back and change the past, but I can change the path I could be on. If I could go back, I'd seek her out and be her friend, but since I can't, I'll just try to be better at that now.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Obsession

I have an obsession confession. I am obsessed with all things film/photo related. I went to Allen's today, that was so exciting. I wanted it all! I don't know what most of it was used for, and I doubt I would ever use it, but I wanted it. I wanted the silly little camera vests. I wanted the ridiculous rubber armors. I even wanted the ugly little camera bag made of disgusting plastic! I would kill to work someplace like that!

I'm so excited to start film classes this fall. I'm so stoked. I want a video camera so badly, but I don't want a cheap one for home Videos (nothing wrong with them, just not what I want). I want one of those super mega sweet things that cost more than I've ever had in my entire life. I don't care how large it is, or how bulky it may be, I WANT IT! I want to sell almost all my stuff and buy one... Okay, maybe not, because I really like my stuff...but I want one!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Girls' Camp

So I'm pretty sure I don't want to go. I'm almost nineteen for heaven's sake. I loved it when I was younger. What's not to love? You get to spend a week with girls you grew up with. You don't have to shower. You don't have to worry about what to wear or how to look. It's a pretty carefree week. Right? Wrong... well now anyway. It used to be like that. Now it's not. Not for me anyway.

I don't want to go spend a week with girls I grew up with. These girl's don't give two hoots about me. Why would I want to go spend a week with people who, when in a group, would rather pretend I don't exist than actually take a second to say hi? I love the little beehives, but they're twelve or thirteen...and I'm ALMOST NINETEEN! Why would I not want to shower? That's so nasty! A day or two is fine without one...but when I'm covered in dust, and sweating I'd much rather shower. The whole wearing whatever thing doesn't apply, because I always wear whatever I want! Heck I'm sitting here in pajamas right now! I'm not even wearing make up!

I said I would go to camp just for Sister Doty, 'cause she's the best. I love her! But I honestly don't want to spend a week with people who don't like me. I'll be sitting there all alone with my camera and notebook and I'll be thinking "shoot, I could be home cleaning, or painting, or working!" I'll probably get up every morning and shower, then go lay there in bed forever.

I can't even do anything up there! I can't eat anything they make 'cause of all the foods that make me sick. I can't be out in the heat for longer than two seconds without almost passing out... This really isn't going to go well at all... *Sigh*