Monday, January 31, 2011

Strike Tres

Okay, huh... I keep trying to write a post here, and I get to the very end and think "This is stupid." The posts weren't actually stupid. In one of the attempts I confessed how opinionated and stubborn I am. In another I listed two dozen compartments that I organize my life into, complete with the sound effect my subconscious should make. By the time I reached the end, I realized that those were not what I wanted to post about. Those were not things on my mind.

What's on my mind is: now what? What do I do? What should  I do? It's not about anything serious either. These questions don't pertain to my relationship with Nathan, because that is in progress and going just great! It doesn't pertain to school because, well, school is school. It comes and goes and makes me suffer but rejoice at the same time.No, the questions pertain to friendships.

Let me tell you a secret first, *whispers* my philosophy on life is "keep moving forward."

That's it. That's all I do. I keep moving forward. It's why I'm 19 and almost finished with a bachelors degree. When things don't go so nicely, I move forward. Sure, there are times when I get hung up on the past, but most of the time I just keep moving myself forward. When life doesn't work out as I want it to, I take the punches and move past them.

But there are some punches that just keep me down. Like punches involving friends. For example, I asked a friend if she wanted to hang out over the winter break. She said she wanted to, but that she wouldn't have time due to family stuff. That was legitimate, and we just talked instead. Then I found out that, through facebook, that this friend of mine had actually just blown me off to go to a part with other friends of mine. So I was kind of...sort of...left out.

I try really hard to just let it go. There's no reason to be upset. We're adults now...we should act like adults...and adults don't cry when they find out someone doesn't like them. I have my own friends inside school, and I have enough family to keep me busy all day everyday. I have Nathan to share everything with, and I have my journal and prayers to recount every story of my life. There shouldn't be any punches.

After I saw the videos (yes, there were videos on facebook of me being left out), I tried to just pick myself back up and move forward. I accomplished it, sorta. I would equate this to someone breaking their leg in the woods and having to drag themselves to society. But it hurts. It doesn't work. I don't understand. I don't understand at all.

Whose fault is it? I like to think that it isn't anyone's fault. We all just grew up and grew apart because we are all so different. I'd like to think that we each made choices that drew us apart in equal, but different, paths. The problem is, I can't convince myself of it. I cannot get it through my brain that it's how life goes. My being just can't be convinced that there isn't a problem, just life.

I somehow think that I did something wrong in their eyes. There must have been a time when I said something wrong, or said too much, or didn't say enough. Something must have passed between us that I dismissed and they didn't. Or maybe I didn't dismiss it when they did.

Hindsight is 20/20, but sometimes it's foggy. I can't see where it went wrong. Or maybe it wasn't a single event, maybe it was a series of small, tiny, almost microscopic events that, when tied together, tore us apart. I just...I just don't understand.

I don't want people to read this and then start inviting me places, that isn't the point. The point is, I feel left out. I mean, I've always felt like I don't quite fit in. Remember those toddler toys that are simply comprised of plastic shapes and holes for those shapes. Every child tries to fit the square through the circle, or the triangle through the square. We try to mash it in there, we try to make it work. I've almost always felt like that little shape that just doesn't fit into the hole. I know there is a hole where I fit, but while being smacked around in the wrong holes, I feel like I just don't belong at all.

While being wedged into the wrong hole, I wanted out. I wanted to be in my own hole. Now I'm in college. I'm with people who have the same passions and quirks as I do. But now I'm lonely. I'm sitting among a couple hundred other circles and yet, we don't fit so well. Yes, we have a lot in common, but that means we have all the bad qualities in common, too. We're all the type of people that keep to ourselves for long periods of time. Sure, we can be friends, but not like a square and circle can. People who have differences can balance each other out. Right now, the little teeter-totter of life is unbalanced.

So I don't want you to read this and say "Hey, lets hang out." I don't want you to read this and say "I'm sorry." I want a reason...I want answers. I want...

1 comment:

  1. You know... I think all of us feel that way at some point.

    ReplyDelete