Monday, March 28, 2011

Open

Sometimes, when I take a picture, I actually think about it first. =) Actually I do that all the time. Sometimes my brain comprehends things faster than I can fully understand, such as composition and design. That means that once in a while I'll see an awesome sight and as I raise my camera to capture it, my brain has already composed it and everything. My pictures tell me a lot about how I was feeling when I snapped the shot.

If I look back on my pictures, they tell me what was going on in my subconscious at the time. Here, I'll give you a few examples:

This picture looks like it's missing something. It's an open dock going out into an open lake. I don't know if you noticed, but it's there. Or rather, nothing is there. It gives the feeling of a cliff hanger. The flag stands don't have flags in them, and there is no sign of life at all. Just open.

That same day I took this:

Geneva used to stand there. Now it's just a giant field surrounded by a barbed-wire-topped fence. There is nothing but the fence and the field. Open.

I also took this one:

The train that rides this rail could go on forever...but in only one direction. The path is open, but kept contained by the rail lines. So many possibilities contained in such a small dimension.

If you didn't notice, all of these pictures have something in common. Each of them has a huge amount of space trapped by a small blockade. The field is open, but kept contained by the fence. The lake is vast and open, but we can't touch it, but dock is blocked in. The train can keep going and going and going for such a long time, but in only one direction. There are so many things that train will not see.

That's how I've been feeling. I feel like there is so much space that I get to fill, so much that I could do, but I can't because I am me. I am one small package. There is a body and a mind and a spirit that keeps my future kind of contained. Out of those three picture, I feel more like the railroad, but I want to be the lake.

I am headed one direction, and it feels like I am missing out on so much. I am Mormon, and proud of it. But the film industry has a huge space it covers. There are so many films that I will not see, so many scripts that I will not read, so many people that I will not work with. I choose not to because I choose to follow my little rail, and that little rail will continue on until eternity ends.

I want to spread out. I want to fill a huge space and cover a large distance. I want to see so many things and do so many more things. I want to watch the sunset in L.A. I want to eat Italian food, and I want to dance under the Eiffel Tower. I want to watch a film and be entirely blown away. I want to work with Christopher Nolan. I want to experience more, or at least dip my toes into the experiences.

I don't want to be the field. I don't want to be fenced in and kept contained. I like freedom. I like the power and chance to do something worthwhile and great.

The more I press the shutter button, the more I realize about myself. I look back to pictures of my first trip to Park City. I realize that I felt the same way then that I do now, but not entirely the exact same. At that time I was worried I wasn't going to fit in here at UVU. Now I'm worried I won't fit in in the industry. When I took pictures of the horses for the first time I focused on detail and personality. I wanted to refine myself and make myself more presentable and desirable to filmmakers (my talent, not my body). I took pictures of weeds in sunlight. I felt like I was growing freely and experiencing a lot of cool new things. Those pictures are some of my best. The ones that have raw and pure emotion in them are my favorite.

Right now, I feel open. I feel open to so many things. So many chances and opportunities are coming at me and I want to soak them all in. I want to catch them and hold them. I want them to come into my containment, so I don't have to feel like I'm missing a beautiful scene in the center of the city...

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