Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Plutonic Mutual Agreement

I'm sitting on the floor in the UVU library right now. I'm trying to work on my photo assignment, wishing I had picked a better topic. I'm having a hard time cropping and everything to make it look nice. I'm getting really frustrated.

Mostly I'm frustrated at one person. Let's call this one person Robert (a completely random name...pulled out of thin air). So Robert is kind of different. He's not like me at all. I try to be gentle and nice and I tend to be really sarcastic. Robert is critical, mean and immature. I mean, I know that I can be immature at times, but I'm only 19. I'm still fresh out of high school, I'm allowed to have some immature moments.

All Robert does is bash on me. "Usually sarcasm is a sign of immaturity." or "Stop being so insecure about yourself." A: I know I'm immature, thanks for pointing it out. B: I'm not insecure! I have bad days, but who doesn't! He claims that these are not personal attacks...but I'm not so sure about that.

I honest to goodness think that he says these things to make me feel bad. Why else would he say them? I mean if I ask "Hey, is my sarcasm immature?" I expect a truthful answer, but to just say it out of the blue? Yea, that is definitely an attack. "Oh, btw, Morgan, you're incredibly immature?" And why is that I can say like "my hair looks like crap" and he won't agree but he won't disagree, even if I know my hair looks fine. I honestly think he's a manipulator.

There are times when he'll say something that seems out of character which is actually funny or sarcastic, but following those times, I get bashed. When I point out how mean he is being to me, he pushes it away and avoids the question. I refuse to get intimate with him, and the times when I draw a personal line, he gets upset at me. I think all he wants is to "get some." I think me being so small and young makes me a major target. I hope he realizes that I am not out to sleep around. I am not out to cheat on my best friend. I am not that kind of girl.

If I was insecure, I would definitely fall for all his stupid tricks or putting me down and then informing me that he doesn't care. "Yeah, it's okay if you're immature, I still think you're funny." I mean come on! Do I seem that stupid? I'm sure that may work on some other girls who aren't sure of who they are, but I know who I am. I am Morgan Mikel Alvari. I am a daughter of God, and someday I'll be a filmmaker. There is no way he's going to make me forget that, not after how much work I've put into myself.

I know that I'm overly sarcastic at times. I know that sometimes I worry that I don't have what it takes. Sometimes I worry about how I look and what others think of me. But isn't that how everyone is? So why does it matter if I'm that way? It shouldn't. He's that way. If not more so. Is it immature to try to stay professional? Or would it be immature to try to get with your work partner? Am I insecure because I actually care about how I come off for future job opportunity? Or should I start sleeping around and talking about all that stuff so I appear so much more grown up? Swearing is petty and makes you appear stupid, so does that mean I should keep going how I am as a clean-mouthed girl or should I start spitting out obscenities to look "cool"? Hmmm...

I am who I am. I am growing up in my own time. I do have what it takes to make it in this business. I don't need physical intimacy to work with people. I don't need to have had half a dozen sex partners to be mature. I don't need to be told all my flaws.

A true friend doesn't sit there and bash on you only to remind you that they like you. Nathan might point out that I was impolite or something, but he helps me get over it. He holds me and tells me it's all okay. He believes I can do anything if I put my mind to it. He doesn't say "oh, yea, maybe if you grow up a bit more and stop being so immature, people will like you." It's never a question with Nathan. He respects me, he loves me, he deserves me.

My other friends deserve to be my friend, not this fruit-cake jerk. I know I'm bashing on him and just being really rude, but I feel really offended and hurt. I hope he reads this and realizes that he's not the center of my world, that is taken by Nathan. I hope he realizes that the best way to be a friend is to not manipulate them and tear them down just to sleep with them.

I am Morgan. I am a princess. I am a daughter of God. (This is where Robert would say "Having to state it proves how insecure you are.") I am beautiful how I am. God made me this way, and God doesn't make mistakes. I will grow up when I need to. I have grown up a lot as it is. I will be ready when LA happens. I don't need to be played to be cool. I have a best friend forever who will stand by my side no matter what, I don't need to sleep around and forgo marriage to have a life. My life is fine the way it is. "Robert," you can just can it and manipulate some other girl!

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