Saturday, May 14, 2011

Anna

I have a problem. It's not that big of a problem, though, so don't worry. I just have this really bad habit of being hard on myself. I don't think that I'm hard on myself, but everyone else around me tells me I am.

This past spring, I took 18 credits of classes. I passed all of them. I could have done better in some classes, but I passed. This fall, I'm taking just 12 credits. I asked my grandma if I should throw one or two more classes onto that. She told me to take it easy and spread it out. The thing is, I don't feel like I'm pushing myself if I'm practically moseying through my education. The classes I'm taking won't be a walk in the park. They're ones that require a lot of time, but I still feel like I need to be pushed more. So I'll probably be working full time as well as going to school full time.

At work, we started to have to talk on the phones. It is the single most frightening thing I have ever done. I am not a call center type of person. I am a hands on type of person. I'm also very business oriented, meaning I get straight to the point. We aren't supposed to do that. We're supposed to build relationships with the customers. Yesterday I took a really long call. It ended up being half an hour because I had to help an older man program a keyfob. (That requires a lot of button pushing on his part.) I had to remember to slow it down and take my time and chat on occasion. When the call was done, this guy was super happy with how I helped him. He thanked me a lot, told me I should get a raise and then told me he planned on calling my supervisor to tell her how great I did! I got off the phone and Kevin (the guy I was sitting with) told me that I did amazing! I told him I did terrible and I have a lot to work on. He gave me a weird look and told me to relax because it all comes with experience. I hate waiting.

Honestly, I don't think I'm too hard on myself. I know where my limits are, and I haven't reached them. Sometimes I reach them, but then the limits expand and I have to push harder to reach them.

I'm like that everyday. I don't see the point in doing something if it doesn't challenge me or make me better. This causes a lot of problems. This problem of "being too hard" on myself isn't really the problem. The problem is how it affects me.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm clinging to food because I'm trying to rip it away from myself. Does that even make sense? In simpler terms, I feel like I border on anorexia. I know that if I had a gym pass I'd be there every single day pushing myself way too hard. I always feel this need to control things, so when I step on a scale, I feel this huge desire make that number change. I know I can never make that number go up. I tried that. It just doesn't happen. But I've never tried making the number go down. I know that if I let myself try that, I'll probably end up killing myself.

When it comes to food, I don't count calories. I hate math. If I can avoid it, I will. I don't count grams or sugar content or anything like that. I just eat. I eat when I'm hungry, I don't when I'm not. It's a pretty sound diet. Lately, though, I've been maturing (or whatever). I'm in that phase where my body starts growing more boobs and more hips... it's really annoying. It's making me feel really fat. I know I'm not fat. I can read scales just fine, and they all say "Morgan, you are underweight, please feel free to step off of me and grab six big macs." I have to pin some of my shirts because they're too wide on my tummy, and even when I double them back, they're too big. I know  I am not fat. I know that my spine has that weird problem where it sticks out, showing just how not fat I am. But I still look in the mirror, I feel fat. I honest to goodness do. My mind blows everything out of proportion. It bends things and twists things.

I don't know if you've ever sat through a lesson on anorexia. I have...many times. The speaker will usually talk about how people with anorexia have a mind problem. It all stems from their imagination. Their mind tells them that they're fat. Even when they're on the verge of death and could be mistake for the world's tallest toothpick. I never ever understood that. I was like "What?! Minds don't do that kind of crap!" But now...I know they do. I frequently cry to Nathan about how fat I feel, and I really can't handle it. My mind twists things and bends them to make me feel HUGE! I know I'm not... I know that having to pin your shirt back means you aren't fat. I know that "fat" is just a term that people use. I know that I don't belong in that category...

I wonder, though, if I belong in the category "anorexic." Someone once told me that if I can feel the problem before it begins, then I don't have a problem. But I feel this problem coming on really strongly. I know that if I don't watch myself 24/7, I'll probably go too far and that would be a really tragic story. I know that my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm fat and that I need to lose weight. What I don't know is if I really have a problem or if I'm imagining it all. I don't know if really am bordering on anorexic or if I'm a really extreme hypochondriac. What I want to think is that I'm a hypochondriac. Unfortunately, I don't think that's the case. I think I do have a problem, and I think that if I don't get over it soon, I'm screwed...

My name is Morgan Mikel, and I don't want to be Anna...

1 comment:

  1. You don't have to post this, but let me just say there are a lot of professionals out there that can help with any mental issue. It might even be free for students. And if you get a professional you don't like, you can always dump them and get another one. ;) -Ali

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