Sunday, May 29, 2011

Little Ms. Perfect

Remember how I told you that I'm not perfect? It's still true. I'm still not perfect. Unfortunately, I still get sick a lot, and I still stay up late. I still get angry at people and I still forget to make my bed in the morning. I'm too lazy to get dressed until the last minute, and I rarely ever remind Nathan to do his laundry. I can't wake up in time to make 6:45 call times. But despite the fact that I'm not perfect, I can still see where the imperfections are.

I can tell you that I did tell Rachel she was being a sucky friend. I shouldn't have said that, but that's how I felt at the time, so that's what came out. I have told her to stop trying to be my friend because I wanted her to feel bad for trying to ruin my project. I didn't apologize for either of those times. I ought to say sorry and tell her I was being a brat, but I don't want to. I'm not the best friend in the world, and I know that. I KNOW that. I know that I did walk away from her at the dance. I know I didn't say a word to her in California even though we were sharing a bed. I know that I purposely ignore her at church. But I don't feel bad. Why don't I feel bad? Because she doesn't realize what mistakes she's made.

I recently asked Rachel to explain to me how she feels. The first line really pissed me off. She said that she was mad at me because it's taken me three years to ask about her feelings. I could have easily resent all those emails from three years ago that asked her about her feelings...the emails she never ever responded to. She then went on to blame everything on me. That's totally understandable. People do that, right? We blame everything on someone else because it makes us feel better. She blamed the Disneyland situation on me and my hurt feelings. She said, and I quote "When you were in the hallway crying, we were in the room bawling our eyes out because we felt so bad. We wanted to text you but we didn't know your phone number." I have come to realize that walking three steps out of the hotel room you're in is actually really difficult. I believe you have to pass a troll that will take your first born child, or something like that. Really Rachel!? You couldn't come out in the hall and say "Hey, look, I made a mistake, and I'm sorry."? Me expressing my feelings, in the hallway, to my boyfriend, not a mistake. You not sucking it up and apologizing, a big mistake.

Also in the email, she talked about how she cried at the senior dinner dance because I just left without telling anyone. Huh...maybe if she had listened to me, she would have heard "Rachel, you keep leaving to hang out with your other friends who don't like me. That's cool, but I'd rather be home if this is how it's gonna be." Because I did give her warning. She walked off in the middle of our conversation at dinner. And during the entire conversation, she was totally spacing it and kept looking at her choir friends. Which brings me to another point. Her friends. I love the fact that she has friends. That's really awesome! I love how she can relate to them and they love to be with her! I never once said anything rude about her friends, I never put them down. I smile at them, I waved. I laughed at their not-so-funny jokes. I congratulated them when they did something amazing. I supported their choir. Yet, they still didn't ever include me. During lunch, they hated it when I came in to eat with them and Rachel. But she didn't care. She never said anything to them about it. At the Dinner Dance, her friends refused to let me sit their with my best friend because I wasn't part of the choir. So I sat with other people. I still haven't said a single thing to Rachel about disliking her friends. Yet, she has this crazy idea that I'm mad at her for having friends. I'm mad at her for not being the type of friend who can stand up to a group of friends for her best friend. In Jr. High, when I was making friends and going to their houses, I always asked "Hey, can I bring Rachel?" If they said yes, then I made it a point to bring her along to meet everyone. If they said no, then I wouldn't go either. I wasn't about to leave her out. The best part is, if I never stood up for her like I did, she wouldn't have met Peter...who she believes she's going to marry...

I've explained all of this to Rachel, but it does no good whatsoever. Someone has planted this idea in her head that I want her to change who she is. I'm 100% positive that I never have said that to anyone. I never ask anyone to change. You are who you are. If you want to change, then do it! If not, then don't! I don't care! Rachel seems to think that all I do is tell her to change who she is. Even if I talked to her calmly and said "Rachel, I have an explanation for every action I have ever taken. All these things you blame me for...I refuse to apologize for. Even though, I know I shouldn't have been so mad at you." she would still think that I thought I'm too cool for life. That's the attitude she has towards anything I do. She acts as though me having hurt feelings makes me some kind of spoiled brat. Which is funny, because she's the one who doesn't have to work for her $$, she's the one who has a car that her parents gave her, so she doesn't have to buy the insurance or the new tires, she's the one who has her own room and goes on vacation every year. I'm not sure she understands that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Oh yea, Brandy. So clearly, I post a lot about how I feel. Which is logical. I have feelings, I can share them in whatever way I please, so long as I don't violate people. I'm not going to go kill anyone, nor will I physically hurt them. Heck, I'm not out to even emotionally hurt them! But Brandy seems to think differently. She believes that I should keep all of my feelings inside because all I do is hurt people. Let me see, did I specifically say "Brandy is a loser who will never be married because she's too dang self-righteous!"? I'm positive I didn't. As much as I may want to say that to her face, I won't. If I'm remembering the rude things she's done to me, and that hurts her feelings, then clearly that's a problem on her end. She says it makes them all feel bad. Oh darn. Their own actions make them feel bad...what a terrible world we live in!!

Seriously though. I know that I've been rude to them when I've felt hurt. I know that I should apologize. I don't plan on apologizing though. Not until they realize that their perfect little lives are really just huge lies and hypocritical actions. The day they actually have to pay for stuff is gonna be the best day of my life. The day they need something and I'm prepared and they aren't? well that sucks for them! The day they turn 20 and their parents are like "You need to start paying rent" will make me laugh. I should be more sympathetic, but I don't want to be. I know that it's an imperfection, and I don't care! I have feelings and I want to share them.  I did things to help my friends only to be pushed down in the end. So what? I'm hurt inside from it, but I'm getting over it. At the end of Rachel's email, she says "Thanks for wanting to listen." So I simply replied "You're welcome" because I don't give a crap about if she thinks I'm messed up and rude. I can be as rude and as angry and as hurt as I want, because they get to be as ignorant and arrogant and selfish as they want! It's a win, win, right? I think so.

Sorry this post was long. I just had to get that out there. I don't put up with people's crap. If you're going to be rude, then you're not going to be part of my life. If you plan on living like the sun revolves around you, then you'll be one heck of a lonely celestial body. I don't care how you live your life, or who you hang out with, I just care that you respect me enough to say "hey, I'm sorry." If you can't even do that, then you are not worth my time.

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