Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Unplanned Parenthood

I bet I just scared the heck out of you. No, I am not pregnant. =)

It has, however, been brought to my attention that I appear perfect. All I have to say is, I am not. I am 100% not perfect, just like everyone else on this planet. I am no more perfect than the girls that pick on me, or the person that told everyone I was pregnant. I am not more perfect than my mom, or my sisters, or my nieces and nephews. I am just as human and make just as many mistakes as everyone else.

With that said, lets move on.

For whatever reason, you were born here. You are on this planet. You are walking, talking and breathing like everyone else. (I apologize to any lame and/or dumb people who are ventilators out there...) At some point or another, two people decided to create you. They got together and ya know...made you! You were born about nine months later. Some of you were planned, some of you were not. I live in a house full of unplanned children. Somehow, I think I was unplanned, but hey, I'm here!

My niece was unplanned. She was actually created because some sick and perverted boy took advantage of a young girl. My niece is seven years younger than me. Her mom is not currently in the picture, and probably won't be for a while... Unfortunately, that leaves Mak alone.

Let's talk about Mak for a second. Mak is currently in that ridiculous stage called "pre-teen." She thinks everything is unfair. She demands privacy which only gets her into trouble. In her eyes, everyone is perfect and she, herself, is worthless. Last night, she ran away.

She was being a pill, and throwing a fit. It was over her cell phone. I was attempting to confiscate it, but she was not having any part of it. After an hour of screaming, she ran away. An hour later, she came home, but not after us searching everywhere and calling everyone. She stormed downstairs and locked herself in our room. I had to get in to put my stuff away, and after much begging, she let me in. When I got in there, she burst into tears and crumpled in my arms. Her reason for running away is because she felt stupid. She felt like everyone expects her to be perfect.

In her mind, Mak is letting everyone down by not being perfect. She thinks that I never ever do anything wrong. She thinks that Chan doesn't do anything wrong, or Brax, or Grandma, or Ash, or her friends. She can't handle it.

When she first took off, I was frustrated, but I knew she would come back eventually. After an hour, when she didn't come back I got really worried. She didn't have shoes or a jacket and it was freezing outside. So I went searching for her. I tried calling her cell phone but it went straight to the voicemail. I got really really worried. She finally made it back home. I was so frustrated that she would do that, but I didn't say anything because she isn't old enough to understand. I got even more mad when I couldn't get into my room... But as soon as she crumpled up in my arms, I didn't feel angry.

I was sad that I couldn't change her mind about how wonderful she is. I was worried because I have no idea how to be a mom to a 12 year old... I was concerned that I'd screw it up and make her life even more confused and broken.

My sisters unplanned parenthood turned into my unplanned parenthood. I have no bloody idea how to be a mom! I don't know if I'm doing it right, or if I'm making mistake after mistake. It's hard! It's the hardest thing ever! I love Makenzie to death, and I want to be there for her...but am I doing it right? Makenzie is way too old to be my daughter and we're more like sisters, but right now she needs a mom...can I possibly do enough to fill that role while she needs it?

someday she will know how beautiful she is. I hope it's sooner rather than later. 

1 comment:

  1. Hey Morgan! You might not remember me but I was friends with your sisters and in the ward as you grew up, I came across your blog because Angie friended me on facebook and then I wanted to see how you were doing, first of all I want you to know that I've always thought you were an amazing girl, and you took alot on your self at a young age, I look up to you for that, you've always been a strong girl through everything. Mckenzie was in my primary class when she was little and was always so cute and your post is so true I hope she knows how beautiful she is inside and out, having you around has helped her so much. Keep up the good work in life, your grandma is so proud of you and tells me when ever I see her, I am also happy to hear that Angie is in school and hope life is well for her..sorry to blog stalk you and write this great big message but I wanted you to know that people like me look up to you and you dont even know it. Take care of yourself! Alison Panton Geake (daughter of Irv and Sue Hale)