Friday, September 30, 2011

Addicted

I was at work, driving Jerry to our location. We were talking about cinematography. He suggested a book. I accepted said suggestion, and then we drove on. Then he said "The worst part about film, is it's addicting." That's 100% true.

We've all seen the images of drug addicts, right? If you haven't, this is what you're missing:


Disgusting, right? I don't know if these people know that they look like death, but I don't think they care. Why? Because it's an addiction. It's virtually uncontrollable.

Thankfully, the film addiction isn't as disgusting:


In fact, it's a glamorous drug, if done right.

Drug addicts go from one fix to the next, doing everything in their power to get higher. Filmmakers go from one set to the next, doing their best to get higher. You learn that filmmaking is lonely. People's marriages become broken, but they keep making movies. Some people remain unmarried, because they're gone all day, but that isn't enough to get them to stop doing their jobs. Friends are lost, enemies get made, and everyone is a jerk...but it's not enough. It's not enough to stop doing it. It's an addiction.

Not being on set creates a serious longing feeling. Having to spend time away from learning about filmmaking drives me up a wall, unless I'm out actually on a set. My next door neighbor always wanted to get into film and theater, and she regrets not doing it. When we talk, I can tell she was bitten by the film bug, and she never got to give into her need and desire. She knows a lot and takes time to research things. I love it, and yet, I feel bad. I wish I could be like her and just walk away, but I know that I would never be happy.

I'm not that far into my career, but I already feel the pain of it. The hours keep me gone a lot, and I don't get to spend as much time with the kids or Nathan. It's only the beginning... I know that the hours will always be completely screwed up, and that I won't get to go out and play sometimes, but yet, it's not enough to make me stop.

I'm addicted. And I'm not going to stop.

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