Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Plutonic Mutual Agreement

I'm sitting on the floor in the UVU library right now. I'm trying to work on my photo assignment, wishing I had picked a better topic. I'm having a hard time cropping and everything to make it look nice. I'm getting really frustrated.

Mostly I'm frustrated at one person. Let's call this one person Robert (a completely random name...pulled out of thin air). So Robert is kind of different. He's not like me at all. I try to be gentle and nice and I tend to be really sarcastic. Robert is critical, mean and immature. I mean, I know that I can be immature at times, but I'm only 19. I'm still fresh out of high school, I'm allowed to have some immature moments.

All Robert does is bash on me. "Usually sarcasm is a sign of immaturity." or "Stop being so insecure about yourself." A: I know I'm immature, thanks for pointing it out. B: I'm not insecure! I have bad days, but who doesn't! He claims that these are not personal attacks...but I'm not so sure about that.

I honest to goodness think that he says these things to make me feel bad. Why else would he say them? I mean if I ask "Hey, is my sarcasm immature?" I expect a truthful answer, but to just say it out of the blue? Yea, that is definitely an attack. "Oh, btw, Morgan, you're incredibly immature?" And why is that I can say like "my hair looks like crap" and he won't agree but he won't disagree, even if I know my hair looks fine. I honestly think he's a manipulator.

There are times when he'll say something that seems out of character which is actually funny or sarcastic, but following those times, I get bashed. When I point out how mean he is being to me, he pushes it away and avoids the question. I refuse to get intimate with him, and the times when I draw a personal line, he gets upset at me. I think all he wants is to "get some." I think me being so small and young makes me a major target. I hope he realizes that I am not out to sleep around. I am not out to cheat on my best friend. I am not that kind of girl.

If I was insecure, I would definitely fall for all his stupid tricks or putting me down and then informing me that he doesn't care. "Yeah, it's okay if you're immature, I still think you're funny." I mean come on! Do I seem that stupid? I'm sure that may work on some other girls who aren't sure of who they are, but I know who I am. I am Morgan Mikel Alvari. I am a daughter of God, and someday I'll be a filmmaker. There is no way he's going to make me forget that, not after how much work I've put into myself.

I know that I'm overly sarcastic at times. I know that sometimes I worry that I don't have what it takes. Sometimes I worry about how I look and what others think of me. But isn't that how everyone is? So why does it matter if I'm that way? It shouldn't. He's that way. If not more so. Is it immature to try to stay professional? Or would it be immature to try to get with your work partner? Am I insecure because I actually care about how I come off for future job opportunity? Or should I start sleeping around and talking about all that stuff so I appear so much more grown up? Swearing is petty and makes you appear stupid, so does that mean I should keep going how I am as a clean-mouthed girl or should I start spitting out obscenities to look "cool"? Hmmm...

I am who I am. I am growing up in my own time. I do have what it takes to make it in this business. I don't need physical intimacy to work with people. I don't need to have had half a dozen sex partners to be mature. I don't need to be told all my flaws.

A true friend doesn't sit there and bash on you only to remind you that they like you. Nathan might point out that I was impolite or something, but he helps me get over it. He holds me and tells me it's all okay. He believes I can do anything if I put my mind to it. He doesn't say "oh, yea, maybe if you grow up a bit more and stop being so immature, people will like you." It's never a question with Nathan. He respects me, he loves me, he deserves me.

My other friends deserve to be my friend, not this fruit-cake jerk. I know I'm bashing on him and just being really rude, but I feel really offended and hurt. I hope he reads this and realizes that he's not the center of my world, that is taken by Nathan. I hope he realizes that the best way to be a friend is to not manipulate them and tear them down just to sleep with them.

I am Morgan. I am a princess. I am a daughter of God. (This is where Robert would say "Having to state it proves how insecure you are.") I am beautiful how I am. God made me this way, and God doesn't make mistakes. I will grow up when I need to. I have grown up a lot as it is. I will be ready when LA happens. I don't need to be played to be cool. I have a best friend forever who will stand by my side no matter what, I don't need to sleep around and forgo marriage to have a life. My life is fine the way it is. "Robert," you can just can it and manipulate some other girl!

"AHA!"

I was riding in the car the other day with Chandler and we were listening to our favorite CD. (Yes, he and I do have somethings in common.) My favorite song on the CD came on, track eight or something. Here, listen to it:

I have no clue if the lyrics are actually right in this video, but I decided to post it instead of one with pictures, or fear that some of them might get risque and I didn't want to take the time to find out. *breath* So yea, just listen to it.

Chan and I are riding down the road, scouting places to shoot (another thing we have in common) and we're listening to this song. Suddenly, Chan has an "aha!" moment. So I turn down the radio to listen. He then goes on to explain how for months now he's been trying to figure out the meaning of this song. At first he thought that the singer was just having a really bad string of nightmares ("fighting my demons"). He said that it just occurred to him that what the singer is really talking about it life. Chan said, and I quote, "So, the guy actually just made a lot of mistakes in life. He says he's running from Jesus because he's afraid that since he's messed up so much he won't be loved anymore. The demons aren't really ghosts or monsters, they're his mistakes and sins. Right? So what he's trying to tell is a story about how he probably did something bad, like hurt someone or something, and now he's on the wrong path. He sees Jesus in the rear-view mirror because he sees what kind of person he used to be! I hope someone gives that guy a hug..."

Yes, that is what Chan said. Now, tell me, where in the world did an 8 year-old get that?! And where can I get some? He is such a brilliant little guy. I love it!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Open

Sometimes, when I take a picture, I actually think about it first. =) Actually I do that all the time. Sometimes my brain comprehends things faster than I can fully understand, such as composition and design. That means that once in a while I'll see an awesome sight and as I raise my camera to capture it, my brain has already composed it and everything. My pictures tell me a lot about how I was feeling when I snapped the shot.

If I look back on my pictures, they tell me what was going on in my subconscious at the time. Here, I'll give you a few examples:

This picture looks like it's missing something. It's an open dock going out into an open lake. I don't know if you noticed, but it's there. Or rather, nothing is there. It gives the feeling of a cliff hanger. The flag stands don't have flags in them, and there is no sign of life at all. Just open.

That same day I took this:

Geneva used to stand there. Now it's just a giant field surrounded by a barbed-wire-topped fence. There is nothing but the fence and the field. Open.

I also took this one:

The train that rides this rail could go on forever...but in only one direction. The path is open, but kept contained by the rail lines. So many possibilities contained in such a small dimension.

If you didn't notice, all of these pictures have something in common. Each of them has a huge amount of space trapped by a small blockade. The field is open, but kept contained by the fence. The lake is vast and open, but we can't touch it, but dock is blocked in. The train can keep going and going and going for such a long time, but in only one direction. There are so many things that train will not see.

That's how I've been feeling. I feel like there is so much space that I get to fill, so much that I could do, but I can't because I am me. I am one small package. There is a body and a mind and a spirit that keeps my future kind of contained. Out of those three picture, I feel more like the railroad, but I want to be the lake.

I am headed one direction, and it feels like I am missing out on so much. I am Mormon, and proud of it. But the film industry has a huge space it covers. There are so many films that I will not see, so many scripts that I will not read, so many people that I will not work with. I choose not to because I choose to follow my little rail, and that little rail will continue on until eternity ends.

I want to spread out. I want to fill a huge space and cover a large distance. I want to see so many things and do so many more things. I want to watch the sunset in L.A. I want to eat Italian food, and I want to dance under the Eiffel Tower. I want to watch a film and be entirely blown away. I want to work with Christopher Nolan. I want to experience more, or at least dip my toes into the experiences.

I don't want to be the field. I don't want to be fenced in and kept contained. I like freedom. I like the power and chance to do something worthwhile and great.

The more I press the shutter button, the more I realize about myself. I look back to pictures of my first trip to Park City. I realize that I felt the same way then that I do now, but not entirely the exact same. At that time I was worried I wasn't going to fit in here at UVU. Now I'm worried I won't fit in in the industry. When I took pictures of the horses for the first time I focused on detail and personality. I wanted to refine myself and make myself more presentable and desirable to filmmakers (my talent, not my body). I took pictures of weeds in sunlight. I felt like I was growing freely and experiencing a lot of cool new things. Those pictures are some of my best. The ones that have raw and pure emotion in them are my favorite.

Right now, I feel open. I feel open to so many things. So many chances and opportunities are coming at me and I want to soak them all in. I want to catch them and hold them. I want them to come into my containment, so I don't have to feel like I'm missing a beautiful scene in the center of the city...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Mending Shed

Have you ever broken a bone? (Was it epic?) If you have broken a bone, then chances are you went to the doctor who took an X-ray and slapped a solid cast on you and told you not to scratch if it itches. (Everyone who's had a cast knows that the itching is almost worse than the broken bone itself.)

As much of a pain as a broken arm is (literally and figuratively), the fix is relatively easy. It takes time, but thanks to someone with more knowledge than you, you're bone will be whole again. No matter the amount of bones broken, or the severity of them, a doctor can make them better.

The same goes for computers. Your hard drive crashes. What do you do? You call up someone who knows about those things. (I call Nathan.) They troubleshoot, run diagnostics and then pinpoint the problem. He can then replace the part that needs replacing.




After your computer is fixed, it runs better than it did before! Computer guys are amazing.

The same goes for just about anything broken. You rip your pants so you ask a seamstress to sew them. Your phone breaks, so you take it to the company and get some help. Sometimes things can't be repaired so you replace them. Like when you're blender breaks, chances are you'll just throw it out and buy a new one. Same with a movie: the disc breaks so you buy a new one.

Then there are things that cannot be repaired easily, nor can they be replaced. For example, a heart. An arm bone snaps in half, and a doctor can fix it. Your hard drive gets a scratch, so a computer tech man puts a new one in. The pants get patched, the phone receives an update. But nothing fixes a broken heart.

When a heart breaks, it shatters. It is more fragile than glass, and by far less repairable. There is no expert on broken hearts. There is no one to run to for help. There is no replacement. Once it is broken, it is broken for good.

Normally, I let things just bounce off me, and I forgive easily, but there are times when I cannot handle it. Sometimes my heart is broken into too many small pieces to even be picked up. Like that photo, I can take the pieces of my broken heart and mold them into something shaped like a heart. It works for a while, but then someone will come along and have to touch it. Sometimes it's much more than a touch: it's a jostle or a tug or a shove. Sometimes it's on accident, and sometimes it's on purpose.

I can smile and laugh all day. But inside, I am not as cheerful and bright. Inside, I'm lonely, and lost. I miss my old friends. I miss being included. I miss smiling and laughing with them. But they shattered my heart and then walked over the top. I honestly don't care that they broke my heart, but I do care that they keep bumping the fragile profile of it. I don't care if they don't like me anymore, but I do care that they don't have the guts to respect me and tell me how they feel. I don't care if they party all weekend together, but I do care that they lie about it after.

All I want is to have friends that don't just walk out on me and then throw me under the bus. I pretend that I'm too independent and cool for that, but I definitely am not. I need that friendship. I need it a lot. I'm almost begging for it, but I'm too proud to actually beg.

I want to go to LA. I want to leave all these people behind and move forward. I want to make new friends, and keep them. I want to be respected. I want to be accepted. I need mending...

Friday, March 25, 2011

Little Angel

Hush, little baby,
no one can hear.
Your cries fall vein
your blood in your tears.

Watch, little child
as the sun bleeds down
Destroyed by your faith,
Waiting for you to drown.

Dance, little girl,
The moon as your guide,
a soul murdered by lust
leaving your tongue tied.

Leave, little angel.
Your time as passed
be drawn in,
let this breath be your last.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Higher than a Kite

I'm not joking. I've never felt more confident, or excited, or anything this great in my entire life. No drug that you buy could make you feel this incredibly high. No drug can create these emotions inside of you. (I'd dare you to try, but please, don't...I care about you, drugs are not the answer.)

I got a job offer in L.A. Burbank to be specific. Guess the company. Come on, no guesses are bad guesses. If you guessed DISNEY then you'd be RIGHT!!! Yes, Disney. THE Disney. The one, the only Disney.



This happened on Monday. I really cannot handle this excitement. I wish that when they asked I could have said "yes" in a heartbeat. I did say yes, but I had to throw in I need $$ and I'm still in school... They said they'll figure something out.

Even if this job doesn't work out, and I have to stay in Utah Valley, I'm just happy they noticed me. I'm happy that my name made it to his phone. I'm happy that they tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hey, we need your number. There's this series in L.A. that we're starting, and we want you to help us pilot it. We need someone like you do to camera stuff." someone like me. someone like me. SOMEONE LIKE ME!

If I could feed some of this excitement and energy into other people, I could empower a stadium of pessimists! I can't share, and for that I'm sorry. But what I can do with all this energy is put my efforts into stepping it up, more. My professor, Bob, was talking to a person on the set. This person told Bob where the studios were headed with a piece of technology. I heard which technology that is. I already know the one that is used now, but if I can teach myself the one that is up and coming... LA WILL BE MINE, BABY! and that's what I'm going to do. As soon as I finish all my projects that I need to finish, I'm going to work on that, and heck yes! I will own!

To everyone who thought that the cards were stacked against me, take that! Take this and run with it. Remember when you were mean to me? Have you heard the story of the little red hen that bakes bread? I want you to remember that you didn't treat me with respect. I want you to remember that I've come as far as I have without your help. (P.S. if my "antagonists" seem familiar, look in the mirror.)

I made it here only because The Lord has something in store for me. For whatever reason, He placed this opportunity in front of me. He gave me the talent and work ethics I need. I made it here because I have some major fans in my half the court. I have my family, my best friend, my friends, my teachers, and my Heavenly Father. (If you are anti-mormon, hate all you want, but I can thank who I want.) Thanks everyone who stood by my side when I needed it. Thanks everyone who pushed me down and made me come back stronger. It means the world to me. =)

Now let's take all this energy I have and dance until the sun rises in Tokyo 2020!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Morgan M. Alvari

Hi, my name is Morgan M. Alvari. I am a girl, just in case you haven't noticed. A lot of my professors read my name and instantly think I'm a guy. I don't look like a guy, but my name exudes testosterone apparently.

Last semester, in my DGM 1110 class, we did something called the "hall of fame." Each assignment we submitted was put in front of a panel of DGM professors and the top ones were selected for the "hall of fame." Almost every one of my assignments made it up there, and almost every time that they did, Kim would say "Oh yeah! Morgan! You're a girl!" It wasn't until the third to last assignment that she remembered I'm a girl.

My cinematography professor, Bob, calls me Megan a lot. He told me it's because Morgan is more masculine and I'm too small to be so masculine. I told him that I get that a lot.

Once my teachers realize I'm a girl, they try to call me "Megan." It seems to be really hard for people to match "Morgan" to me.  It doesn't help that my middle name is "Mikel" either. When people think I'm a guy, and they read that my middle name is "Mikel," they tend to think it's "Michael." Sometimes they still think that even after they find out I'm a girl.

It's not terrible, just a little weird. It's as if "Morgan" is reserved solely for guys, but "Alex" could go either way. Growing up, I always hoped that as I got older and started working, people wouldn't treat me different because I'm a girl. I guess that wish is coming true.

It's annoying that my professors think I'm a guy, but at the same time, they don't treat me like they do the other girls. In class I still have to tear things down, and get dirty, while the other girls kinda stick to the easier jobs. I'm liking it, but I wish my name were slightly less...flip-switcher.

There is a plus side to having the name Morgan though. In the generation before me, there are very few Morgans. Especially in the film industry. I have yet to hear mention of a notable "Morgan" in the filmmaking process. Wait, that's a lie. There's Morgan J. Freeman (creator of the reality TV shows "teen mom" and "teen mom 2") and Morgan Freeman (not related to the other guy, but still freaking awesome!). Other than that, though, there aren't a lot of Morgans floating around out there.

That gives me a lot of confidence, actually. Knowing my name isn't all that common means people will remember that name with my face a lot easier. Yesterday, when I was on set and they asked for my name and number, I was pretty excited to tell the Disney crew my name. I was even more happy when they repeated my name, which means it's more ingrained in their brains. =) Now, hopefully, when they hear Morgan, they'll think of me. Having a more masculine name might also sub-consciously think that I'm tough. (Stop laughing, it happens.)

All in all, I like my name. Morgan Mikel Alvari is who I am. It's what I do. It's how I think. It's how I feel. I am Morgan Mikel Alvari. I am everything the name says I am (except for related to Alvaris, or a male). Morgan is going to be the name that filmmakers remember. Morgan is going to be the name they dial up when they need someone. Morgan is the name you know me by. Morgan is the name you will love, remember, and be proud of with me. I am Morgan.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Recapped

I have no idea what to blog about. I could talk about the ridiculousness of American protesters vs. the strength of the Libyans and Egyptians... or I could talk about how silly and petty some girls get when it comes to friendships... I could post about how bad I feel for John's wife who doesn't see him hold hands with another girl at school... or I could post about how gorgeous it is outside.

There's just been so much going on that I can't really decide what to post about. Maybe I'll do a quick photo recap. Here is what has been going on:
This was a photo assignment the week of the Oscars. (Not related to the Oscars, just happened to be at the same time)

Russ just felt like having his photo taken, so I took it.
The love family plot marker... It makes a neat photo.
I went to the Provo cemetery. It's so big that it has it's own street sign system.
There wasn't actually a funeral going on. The signs were just left over from before.
It rained yesterday, and Derek is scared of thunder. He was scouting out to make sure no thunder got us.
He thought the mailbox was hit by thunder. (And he thinks that if you look hard enough you can SEE thunder)
When the weather was nice, however, we went to the park.
I went back to the cemetery with Nathan. (The first time I went with Robert from school.)
I also learned what a Zoltar is. It is really creepy actually...and I don't want to have anything to do with it, except I may use it in a film someday...
For a photo assignment we had to make a web page. This is one of the logos that I designed to put on the web page.
This is the web page I turned in. It didn't win the $100, but it did look nice. =)



 Yesterday was Russ's birthday. This is him blowing out all 53 candles... haha. The flame was HUGE!

Well that's it, so...'til we meet again!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Magicality

A magician never reveals his secret, but he can't help it if the viewer figures it out.

Photographers are magicians. They astound audiences and viewers by performing tricks with the lights to make eyes glow. Photographers add new dimensions to scene with every flex of the finger.

There are some pictures that amaze me more than others. These photos very easily fill me with whatever emotion the photographer was feeling.

That is...until I figure out the trick behind them.

Just as a magician astounds audiences with his slight of hand and mirrors, photographers captivate people's imaginations with slight of light.

For example, I saw a photo done by Bob Boyd. Yes, he does many photos, but this one in particular is of the Mt. Timpanogos LDS temple. It's called "Mt. Timpanogos by Moonlight." (I can't post it due to copyright laws.) I fell in love with that picture when I first saw it. Then I stared at it, and stared at it, and stared at it, and stared at it. Then I figured out the trick. Now the picture is a lot less magical and a lot more technical.

Life is like that a lot. We witness miracles, or watch people act and react. We wonder. We ponder. We analyze. We over analyze. There are some things that don't need explaining. Some things that don't need reasons. Rules are guidelines. A lot of the time, we get caught up with details. The magic of life is sucked away when we tear it apart instead of enjoy it.

We let the technicality get in the way of life's magicality.



p.s. I am quite sad about how I sucked the magicality out of Bob's photo... and I really do wish I could like be his assistant or something... He's a photographic genius!