Saturday, May 19, 2012

on friendship

I have this weird thing where all inanimate objects have feelings, personalities, and attitudes. I don't know why, but I typically feel like a person can truly connect to an object and it will respond. (This weird thing has helped me create an awesome story, but that's for another day.)

While thinking about friendship, I can only think about actual ships or boats. A captain has to know his ship inside and out. It becomes an extension of who he is. Sort of like how race car drivers connect to their cars. When you get a new toy, you need to learn all about it to really understand how fun it is. If a captain doesn't know his ship, his crew is toast (soggy toast at that). If the captain is on deck and he hears a random scrape or thud, he needs to know what could be causing that sound. All good captains do (in my mind anyway).

Friendship is similar I think. The relationship needs to be an extension of who you are. You need to know it's ins and outs. You need to know what makes it run, what stops it dead, what breaks it, what heals it. If you want your friendship to go anywhere, you need to understand it.

The difference is, friendships are a two-way deal. As much as you know how it works, the other person does, too. My friend said in her blog that it's awesome to have a friend who can go away for a year and come back as if no time was lost. That kind of friendship runs on love. No matter what happens, those two will be there for each other because they love each other. The friendship formed between the person you marry is based on love. For the most part, friendships are about love, right?

I love Nathan. More than anything. We both know the ins and outs of our relationship. We know what makes it run smoothly, and we're really good and figuring out what keeps it from not going anywhere. We know the quirks and kinks that hold us up. We are both trying to still figure it out more, and we have all the time in the world for it.

I used to have a best friend that was a girl. I thought we knew our friendship in and out. Turns out, we didn't. Or maybe I didn't. I don't know what happened, and that's the problem. If after 12 years I didn't see what happened, then I obviously didn't know our friendship that well. And that sucks. It's a lot like losing a fun little row boat that took me through a lot on a nice little calm river.

After whatever happened between her and I, I've been thinking a lot about friendships. I honestly feel like I must make a terrible friend because I can't keep friends to save my life. I think a lot of the problems are caused because I'm a girl and I relate better to boys...or I think I do. I feel more comfortable around boys than girls. But we all know what boys think about. Every time they do, though, the friendship gets ruined. I can't hold onto something that's trying to crush me. It's easier to let it go.

A year ago, I met one of the friends I have now. From what I remember, our friendship has been pretty awesome. It's been really chill. He's a good listener, he's polite, etc. I put all my patience into it, because I tend to be really impatient and I didn't want to get mad at him for dumb things. Practicing patience on him has really helped me be patient with everyone. I've learned to truly love unconditionally because of him. He is nothing like me. The only thing we have in common is chyron. We can both run it (even if he runs it a million times better than me). Chyron isn't a lot to base a friendship on, but it was enough. I don't know why I put so much effort into our friendship, but I did. Like with the patience, he helped me see that everyone is awesome somehow, everyone is living based on their own convictions. Growing up in Utah County, I will admit, that it's hard to remember that sometimes. It's getting easier now, but it wasn't easy to begin with.

I think I put so much effort into our friendship because I got quite a bit out of it...and somehow I think that maybe he did too.

Right now, though, despite all my efforts, it means nothing.

Have you ever cooked? I have (sort of...). You have a list of ingredients and specific measurements for each. What if your recipe calls for more brown sugar but you're out. You can't just add more water because you have plenty of that. It doesn't work that way.

I put in all my effort, and as much as I want to put in my effort for his, that would soon become one very lonely morgan-ship. I don't want a morgan-ship. I get enough of myself as it is. I want a friendship. I want him to be as open as I was with him. I understand that that isn't always easy. (I learned that from my Nathan.) I know that there are things that just can't come out right. I realize that sometimes, some things are better explained with actions and not words. Sometimes, people need time to fully form the words and thoughts to express what they want. That's just fine. I don't expect some grandiose, epic monologue. A simple "We can talk about this later" works just fine for me. What doesn't work is topic changing, and dancing around the answer. Or flat out lying. That isn't okay.

I can't add more morgan to a friendship. I don't think that would end well. There was an awful scrape and screech sound coming from the ship, and the only thing I can think of to fix it is to wait and talk about it. I don't have all the answers, I only have the questions right now.

Nathan says it isn't my fault. He says that sometimes people just don't click together. Sometimes I wonder if I really click with anyone. I click so well with Nathan that it's not even a click. It just is. I don't know whether I need to fix whatever little click I can with this other friend, or if I need to just sit it out.

Remember how I said I'm impatient? I really am. I am the single most impatient person alive. At least that's how it is when it comes to adults. Kids can do whatever and I'll wait. Adults don't get that same treatment. I think that by the time you've reached 21, you ought to know how to interact with people (in most cases, not talking about exceptions here).

Now I wait, I guess. I practice that patience that doesn't work for me. =/

For now, I'm going to do some homework and get ahead...maybe look at pictures like this:

 As sad as it is, it's kind of funny, too...

Normally I post only funny, but sometimes I'm a softy and I want to post something cute. This kitty and bird are very cute.

And back to the silly. =) All I could think of when I read this was someone holding someone else's boobs for support. Yea...I don't know either. haha.

And this next one has nothing to do with friendship, but I've seen it a couple of times and it makes me laugh each time. Enjoy!

Also, I want a dog. I want a dog pretty badly, and someday Grandma will let me get one, or I'll move out and I'll get one. =) someday...

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