Friday, July 30, 2010

TMG, dude, TMG

So I'm home from Lake Powell. It was an adventure. It was also a great learning experience. I learned so much. Let me sum up my new knowledge for you:

1. When on a wave runner, wear all clothing. You'll never live it down *cough*tiny-streaker*cough*
2. When wearing a life jacket, wear it right, and with pants. It won't save you otherwise.
3. Watermelons are more useful than you might think.
4. There is a mental problem which makes you repeat yourself, repeat yourself, repeat yourself.
5. You know those rumble strips on the sides of freeways. Well waiters at Texas Roadhouse sound like that when bringing you your steak.
6. When Mr. Eliminator sits across from you in his boat, he's checking you out.
9. Don't sit on white chairs, especially if you haven't done more than one sit up in the past ten years.
10. Never ask Dusty a question. His answer will take hours.
11. "Crap", "shoot", and "dang" are swear words to use if your fan is being stupid.
12. Invert the ratio when all else fails.
13. When someone gets a  neck injury, make sure they're conscious before you worry about anything else.

With that said, Lake Powell was amazing. I really enjoyed it.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm a Big Girl Now, WOW!

Today marks the beginning of a new era. In less than an hour I'll be going to the singles' ward. I'll be mingling with big people! People my age. People in college mostly. People in that weird stage of life where it's hard to let go, but the excitement of growing up is tugging on you.

I can just feel it. Everything is about to change. It's like having a word on the tip of your tongue. That's what it feels like. There's a future at the tips of my fingers, I just can't quite reach it yet. I won't be forced to sit with painfully ignorant people in classes at school. These people will have made it through the first rounds of elimination: Generals. We'll all be heading in the same direction: Directing. I'll be two years younger than them... Other than that, this will be awesome!

Everybody keeps talking about how nervous they are for college. Lots of people are worried about how hard the classes are going to be. I'm just excited for four classes total. Not four a day, or ten total. FOUR CLASSES TOTAL! I'll have time to get a job! I'll have time to study! I'll have time to sit down and read once in a while! It'll be wonderful! I am so not nervous for college.

I am nervous for one class though: Acting. That's right. I'm taking an acting class. It's required before I take a directing class. I am not an actress. I can't act. I'm not that into being someone else. I tried acting one time with my friends, that was not fun. I was worried the whole time about what I was doing.

My classes are going to be so much fun, aside from that acting class. But who knows, maybe that will be fun too! I like how I got to choose which classes I want to take. From here on out I only have fun classes. No more torture classes. I get to be with people who want to be there as much as me. That's what I'm excited for.

Well, time is ticking away. I better get ready for church. Maybe I'll run into Amber and Jared. How weird would that be?! ADIOS!

Thursday, July 15, 2010


This post goes in line with the last post.

Now that I spring cleaned my life of all the people that hurt me, some people are saying I need to talk it out with these girls. To that I say: No-siree-bob!

I tried that one time. I tried to talk it out. But that failed. I'm pretty sure everything I said went in one ear and out the other. I wasn't rude. I just told them how I felt. I didn't accuse them of anything. When telling them how I felt I said stuff like "It feels like I did something wrong," etc. Never once did I tell them that they were jerks or brats or stupid. I wanted to, but I didn't.

When someone says "you should talk to them" it paints this picture in my mind:

I'm standing at the bottom of the boomerang slide at Seven Peaks. Up one side are the girls. Up the other is revenge (he's wearing a tux). All I have to do is climb up. Simple? NO! It's a blasted water-slide! It's slippery, steep, and wet. First I try to climb up to the girls. But there is nothing to grip. So I slip and fall. I get water in my face, bruises on my knees, and my arms get plastic burns from sliding on my bare skin. I try again. I push myself. But I fall harder. So I try climbing the other side. It's not as tall, it seems easier. But I fall just has hard. It's not worth it to reach revenge. The easiest, least painful way, is just out. Just walk out the exit. It lets me live my life, free of pain. It doesn't make me feel stupid by not being able to accomplish the impossible, and it keeps blood off the slide.

I don't want to try to climb a water slide. I want to go explore the pools. I want to jump off diving boards. I want to eat! I don't want to waste my time trying to reach them. I tried that. Several times. It's not worth it to me now. If they decide to come to me, I won't stop them. I won't tell them to get out of my life. But I am not going after them. I chased them in Disneyland, at school, and in life in general. I am done. Get it? D-O-N-E.

Now will you excuse me while I go explore some other, friendlier slides.

Cookies in the Cupboard

This morning, while I was sleeping, I decided that I'm pretty tired of people assuming they know how I feel. I really don't like people trying to fix things for me. Let me fix them, okay? If I got myself into this (or someone else dragged me into it) then I can probably get myself out.

I'm going to try to describe to you what I'm feeling, sorry if you don't understand this.

Picture yourself craving a snack. You're not really hungry, you just want a snack. You go to the snack cupboard and spot a package of cookies. These cookies are amazing! So you reach in and pull out the package. Your tummy is turning with excitement, but once you open the cookie you realize that there aren't any cookies. Someone left the empty package in there. (Jerk). It was such a huge let down.

Now you feel all empty even though you were never empty to begin with. And your craving is a lot stronger than before. You reason that you could easily go to the store and buy more, but you know it wouldn't quite be the same. Going to the store takes time, and buying them takes money. Two things you really don't have. Two minutes and two bucks may not seem like a lot, but it adds up.

That's how I feel sometimes. Like I went for a snack and came back empty handed. I wanted friends, but then I put forth effort and there weren't any friends left for me. They'd formed themselves a nice little clique that was far from nice. Now someone didn't intentionally put the package back in empty, but they didn't throw it away either. Their group of friends may not appear to be doing anything out of their way, but that leads to another story.

One day I was sitting in a class with these friends. Just sitting there, listening to the teacher on the TV. I wasn't interrupting, and my friends had invited me to come sit in there instead of sitting in study hall. It was a simple situation. While we were sitting there, my friends decided they would go get a snack in the hall. So I let them go because I was studying for a final, and I didn't want to intrude. After ten minutes of them missing class I went to find them. I walked out the door and there they were. When I opened the door, they gave me the deer in the headlights look. I knew something was up, but I ignored it, thinking it was their business, not mine. So I politely asked what they were doing not in class. Sheepishly one of them said they were planning a day date for spring fling. I thought that was pretty exciting. I asked questions about what they had planned. So far they only came up with who they were asking. That's cool. So I asked if I could join their group. They looked away. I took that as a no but I needed to be sure. So I asked again. One of them finally shook her head. I thought "great, just great." I went home and cried.

You can't honestly say they didn't go out of their way to leave me out. I tried to be friends with them. I went to their choir stuff. I supported them. I helped them with their homework. Where did that leave me? Alone. Friendless. Hurt. In tears. Even after that hallway incident, there were more like it. Party after party that was planned around me that I wasn't invited to. Not choir parties, I understand those, but friend-to-friend parties and get togethers. I sat in the middle of the planning, I even tossed in ideas...all to be not invited.

Thanks guys for being there.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Change of Plans

So I decided to not make this blog private because I honestly don't give two hoots about what other people think of my thoughts. They're mine, so deal with it.

Since this blog is mine all mine I wanted to say, leave me alone. I don't mean stop reading, because that would be silly. Read all you want, I'm writing this stuff for you guys. But just leave me be. It's my life, I'm doing it my way. I don't want to live it your way. No you don't know me better than I think you do. Yes, I play this game my way. I know my rules get me to dead ends, but those are my mistakes, my dead ends, my problems. Don't try to fix them for me, or try to tell me what to do to be better. I'll do it my way, because my way is the only way I know of. Your way works great for you, but mine works for me. Eventually my way will have less and less dead ends, but until then, I'm taking the scenic route.

I don't want someone there to tell me how to live because I'm living the best way for me. My way doesn't work for my next door neighbor, or some Chinese person in Asia. My way works for me. Their ways work for them. There are different situations in my life that I've learned to deal with. I deal with them my way. My way does not involve confronting things head on immediately. I prefer the sneak and attack. It takes time to get through a lot of things for me. Hitting it all head on just makes it worse because I eventually shut myself out of it then. So I do it my way. I'll attack it when I'm ready. When I'm ready to accept the fact that my friends are rotten friends then I'll confront them.

When I was younger it took several years for me to come to accept the fact that maybe my mom is planning on doing her own thing that doesn't include me. I didn't act out, or throw a fit over it. I let it go. I moved on. Now that I'm older I'm okay. I'm not happy with her, but it's her life. Her life doesn't need to affect mine.

My "friends" suck. It's true. Most of them can't stand up due to a lack of backbone. But hey, that doesn't mean I need to sit here and let it smash me down. It means I have a chance to grow up, move on and find new friends who can walk along side me or race me to an end. That's what I want. I don't want friends who need to be dragged behind because they can't decide things for themselves. Robyn is a great friend because she has enough backbone for six people I think. =) I love that about her. I want friends like that. Friends who are what the appear to be. Not friends who smile to your face and throw knives at you when you turn around. I want friends who stand up and fight. Heck, I'd be happy if my friends stood up and fought me. That shows character. And until I find friends like this, I'm letting my other friends go. They can go pool with the other spineless people of the world. Sure, I'll be nice, because I can't stand to be flat out rude when someone is in need. But I think I've cried enough over them. I'm growing up and moving on.

My game. My rules. Deal with it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


For the next little bit, this blog will be made private.

Monday, July 5, 2010

My Soap Box Is Getting Bigger

So there's something I need to get off my chest, so bear with me for a second... There, I got it. That beetle was really bothering me walking around on my shirt.

Let's get down to business, (to defeat the huns. Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons?)

Seriously now. I'm tired and frustrated, so sorry if this makes no sense.

Dear (You know who you are),

I thought it was understood that what happens between us, stays between us. I guess I was wrong. Whether or not I'm doing something wrong is not for you to go share with people. I am not a part of that group anymore, and I'm never going to be. Someone I care about, who cares about me, asked me to do this. I said yes, because I love her. Not because I'm trying to fix things. Heck, things will never be fixed, I know that! For the past while I've been sick with stress because I honestly haven't wanted to go. But as of yesterday, I'm excited to go. I'm excited to say goodbye to all the cuties that make me smile. It'll be sad, but very relieving.

You always ask if you've done something to offend me, so consider this a yes. Yes you gosh darn have. The moment you started to tell people I'm a bad person was the moment you crossed the line. I'm done being pushed around. You're so nice to my face, then you go and back-stab me. Well guess what, I'm finished. I truly am.

Someone does something that I would have been in trouble for a year ago, and the rules change to accommodate them. It's totally okay that *blank* breaks a rule, it'll just change to make it look like she did nothing wrong. Well I'm not going to play that game. Rules don't just change like that. Unless given by the highest power, I don't think that works. Sorry.

Ya know, I haven't told anyone outside of my family, because it really isn't any of my business, but now I'm angry. I don't spend too much time alone with Nathan. We're always watching our siblings or running errands for our parents. We aren't out having sex every night or doing drugs or vandalizing things. We aren't out to skip church intentionally. We aren't teaching false doctrine. We are doing nothing wrong. Whereas *blank* sneaks out with her boyfriend. That's right, she does. I saw her do it one time against her father's wishes. I talked to her about it the next day, she just smiled and said "shhh." So tell me who is doing something wrong. It sure as heck ain't me!

So I've been writing about a double standard or two that I've seen going on in our neighborhood area. Little did I actually realize that it's because of a poor example being set. You of all people should know that that's wrong. You should know that getting in other people's business is wrong. Sharing other people's business is wrong. Then going and making it so that person seems like a bad person is even more wrong. It's no wonder no one likes me. You've probably gone and told them all what a bad person I am.

Yes, I'm angry, and yes, I know a blog probably isn't the best place to lash out at you. But it seems you have no problem telling people I have problems. So I'm letting everyone know you have them too. It only seems fair. Of course you do it in the privacy of an office, and in the good name of a certain someone. I don't really have that luxury. I can't privately call people and start saying this stuff because they might just think I'm nuts. But I know better than to say this is right. I know it's wrong, and I'm admitting it. I'm admitting that this isn't something Christ would do. Not that that matters to you, because I'm such a bad person anyway, you'll just add this to my list of faults. I know, though, that publicly announcing your faults is not my job. I know that someone else will "shout it from the rooftops." I'm just extremely angry, and what goes around comes around.

I hope you understand that this is my letter of resignation from this group. I would like to let you know that I'm moving on. Feel free to send my information to the next man. I'm not coming back.

Thank You,


Friday, July 2, 2010

Let's Go Fly A Kite

Two nights ago it was really windy, if you didn't notice. While I was standing in it I decided it was time to fly kites. The kids all have small kites and Nathan had a new kite he hadn't ever flown before. We got them all out and spent two hours untangling them for every half hour we spent flying them. They got stuck on roofs, in trees, in bushes, over fences and almost in a power line. Cars ran over the strings that laid on the ground; cats chased the kite tails, and derek chased the cats. It was a lot of fun. While chasing down Nathan's kite I thought about the silliness of it. The kites all cost about $1 (except for Nathan's), and the time spent untangling each one was probably not worth it. The kids enjoyed it though. Heck I enjoyed it. It was simple, and fun and it wore the kids out. Sure the kids have never been to Disneyland, or to the beach or out of the state, but not every kid in our neighborhood owns a kite. Not every kid that owns a kite actually goes out to fly it. It's the simple things like that that make childhood amazing. It's not the parties, or the trips. It's the times that they get to go set up a candy stand, or fly a kite, or play games in the livingroom with the family. It's the times that are made by watching America's funniest home videos. Or when you sit and try to be the winner on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? It's always the small things that matter. Trips and parties are great, but family time is what truly matters.

Liberatingly Empty

A few posts ago I spring cleaned all the downers out of my life. I really just drop kicked them out the door. I don't know why I did that, but it probably had to do with me getting my feelings hurt a lot. At first I was kind of at a loss of words for my own actions, but as the time went by I realized it doesn't matter that much.

I mean, yes, I am kind of hurt that it came to that. It wasn't all them. I'm sure I did things to help pull us apart, but in the end, it seemed like I was the only one getting hurt. I really don't know if any of them cried themselves to sleep over it. It seemed like I cried myself to sleep over it a lot. It didn't seem to affect them at all when something was wrong with me. When one of them was hurt I really thought about it a lot and tried to do something to help them. I supported them in their little hobbies. I tried to do silly and surprising things for them. I wanted them to always know that they can count on me. But all I got in return was a lot of dirty looks and no friends.

After I spring cleaned my life, it hurt. It really did. I mean I felt terrible that I wasn't going to be there for them anymore. I felt like I took something away that might have mattered to them. After a couple of days it got easier. I thought about all the times I was hurt and they didn't help me. Or all the times I wanted to hang out and they ignored me. I thought about all the times I caught them in the halls whispering about me. Or the plans they made with each other without me while I was sitting with them. I eventually just had to let go. I had to trust that Christ will always be there for them. I couldn't be the friend to be there but get rejected. Someone a lot better than me had to step in. So that's what I decided. When they need a friend, Christ will be there. I can't let them kick me around anymore.

Once I reached that decision, I felt a lot better about it. Before I would be concerned about who was doing what and if they were okay. Now I don't really care. I care if they get hurt, but I'm not going to hold out my hand to people who reject it. I texted one of them the other day, just to pass a message along. And we talked for about five minutes. During this conversation I told my friend that it would be a fun idea for her and her besties to go do a girl's night out and stuff. She told me that she wouldn't take another girl because that girl was having boy trouble and she didn't want to deal with it. That was a terrible thing to say. I know that girls are always in the middle of some sort of boy drama. And eventually, people get sick of it. But at this age, everything is dramatic. So does that mean we just ditch our friends because of a weeks worth of stress? I wouldn't! I really got sick of Vodka's drama, but I never ever stopped caring about her. I put my two cents in when appropriate. I never ever ditched Yvonne because she liked the same boys I did. I didn't stop being polite to Cougar because she sneaked out with her BF one day. These are part of life. We're teen girls for heck sake! Obviously there is going to be drama involved, but that is no reason at all to exclude someone. After my friend said that, I pretty much ended it right then and there. I didn't tell her off, but I just quietly stopped responding. It would be silly to ask if they were ever like that to me. OF COURSE THEY WERE!

The conversation ended, and everything was okay. It felt like an okay end to a chapter of life. It definitely leaves room for a sequel, but it ended. I feel free now. Not like they were chaining me down. But all that energy I was using towards them is just simmering in me. I hand it out here and there to tie myself to other people. It feels like the energy I used to hold myself to one of those girls is enough energy to tie myself to five other girls. With all this energy I am a lot more focused on people who need it. It's liberating to know that when I text a friend it isn't going to end in my crying. It's exciting to get a text from someone who genuinely wants to talk to me or hang out with me. It's a lot of fun to exhort this energy on the kids lives here. It's funny to see how they all are daily, and it's nice to let them know I can put forth a lot more energy for them. 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Girls Camp

Lets take a stroll through my personal thesaurus. Flip to page two hundred. If you don't have a copy, don't feel bad. Only three have ever been made and two of those were eaten by rare Jurassic creatures. The other one is mine. Anyway, on page two hundred it says:

Girls Camp: One of the rings of Dante's Inferno. Unmentioned in copies of his works because it was too horrendous to be legal. Synonyms: Hell, Death, Torture. Antonyms: Exciting, Peaceful, Heaven.

Let me explain. The first time  to girls camp as a twelve year old can be kind of scary. You probably barely know anyone there, and it's weird being in these cabins for a week with them. Your second year is alright. Not the best, but hey, at least you aren't as scared anymore. The third year is kind of dull. You're still considered one of the younger girls, but you're older than the younger girls. Fourth year is fun. You get to be a YCL. Fifth year you get to be a YCL too...but that is pushing it because you're way older than anyone else there. By the time you've reached your sixth year... you're ready to die.

Once you reach your sixth year, you realize there are so many other things you could be doing with your life for that week. You could be home working. You could be with family. Everyone at camp is so much younger than you. I mean heck, sixth years are usually graduated!

In all fairness, camp is a good experience for the younger girls, and for many of the older girls. It does help them to get closer to their ward and stuff.

I just don't want to go. I hate the other girls my age, with a couple of exceptions. And I'm way older than the other girls. I've grown so far apart from the other girls my age that I don't know them anymore, so why would I want to spend a week with them?

I get homesick just going to Nathan's everyday. And his house is like a second home to me! I just hate leaving my house with no way to know what's going on with them. I don't like the idea of going down to Shalom to spend a week in some cabin with people I don't know and don't like. I could be home doing things I need to be doing, like refilling barrels, or potty training Derek. I really don't like leaving my bedroom unattended. I'm scared of what might happen. What if no one feeds my frogs? What if Derek gets in there and decides he wants to pet the frogs? What if he breaks my record player? What if I come back and all my clothes are gone? I really can't have that... at all...

See, I'm sitting here worrying and stressing out. This is definitely a ring of Hell. I'm so upset about going that I'm sick. My head is constantly hurting and I can't eat. You would think that I could just say no and not go, but I went and volunteered to help some younger girls with something because the other girls my age are too dang lazy.

That's another thing, I watch Charlie for 8 hours a day, then I go home and watch the kids at my house. I'm always running errands for my grandma or siblings, which is fine. I'm getting ready to go to school and work full time. I'm helping Braxton to get ready for Kindergarten. I'm helping the kids get ready for school. Then when someone asks me to volunteer I say yes, because I know that no one else will do it. Then the other girls have the nerve to say they're too busy? I would like to see their schedules. One of them sits  at home day after day. No job. No little siblings. No cleaning. She just sits. oOo she's so busy! The other girl has no job either, she just plays music all day long. Oh hour less of violin time? That's going to ruin me for good! Seriously? They make me sick. I don't want to go to camp if I'm going to have to help keep their end up too. I swear that if they fall behind and don't do something I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to allow them a free ride when the rest of us have to do stuff. They can just suffer the consequences.

There is one little bright spot in all of this Hellish torture. Robyn. I will get to spend the week with her. That'll be good. She goes off to school soon, so this is like one of the only times we'll have to hang out. We'll get to talk and do stuff together... And yes, I plan on excluding the other girls my age.