Thursday, December 30, 2010

FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: fwd: (how many of these can there be?!)

1. Your name spelled backwards? Nagrom Iravla

2. Last incoming call on your phone? "home"

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? docking station (Nathan calls it "star dock"...)
 
4. What's your favorite restaurant? depends on the time of the month...

5. Last time you swam in a pool? late summer-early fall

7. How many kids do you want? 5

8. Name of music you dislike most? justin bieber? 
 
9. if you could have any name you want what would it be? Juanita Michelle Frances DeLaRosa (roughly translated to "I am the coolest person alive)
 
10. Do you have cable? oui
 
      11. Ever have a crush on someone of the opposite gender that is at least 10
years older then you? um... yes? when I was younger probably

      12. Ever made a prank phone call? yes, duh

      13. Closest friend? He goes by "Roberto MarioLuigi Chang" (roughly translated to "PC")

      14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Is this a "would you rather" or a "yes or no"? yes to both
 
      15. Furthest place you ever traveled? Boston, MA
 
      16. Do you have a garden? not at this time of the year

      17. What's your favorite comic strip? hmmm it's a tie between "Pearls before swine" and "zits"

      18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? yup, at least the ones we're required to know

      19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? wait... we have to actually do that? 
 
      20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Harry Potter 7, hands down.
 
      21. Favorite pizza toppings? olives, canadian bacon, pineapple (for now)

      22. Chips or popcorn? chips

      24. What did ur last text message in your inbox say? my inbox is empty, so I have no idea

      26. Orange Juice or apple? (In case you hadn't noticed, there is no 23 or 25 on the questions) and either, I like them both. 

      27. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with? "mah bf"

      28. What did the last text message that you sent say? something to my mom about parking on the driveway

      30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? (no 29 either) summer, when tomatoes were in season

      31. Have you ever won a trophy? everyone won in little soccer. =) 
 
      32. Are you a good cook? If cereal and waffles count, then yes

      33. Do you know how to pump gas? you have to be completely daft to not know that
 
      35. Sprite or 7-Up?(whoever edited this question thing really needs to learn to count) either

      36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? yea, it's called clothing.
 
      37. Last thing you ate? FIVE GUYS!!!
 
      38. Ever thrown up in public place? si

      39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? yes, my true love is money. jk, his name isn't money, it's Nathan, so since I found him, I'll be expecting a check. 

      40. Do you believe in love at first sight? nope
 
      42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? (honestly? 41 is gone too?) um... someone who was hospitalized. (I helped take Nathan's dad to the hospital, does that count?)

      44. Who was the last person you called?  (dun, dun, dun, another one bites the dust. RIP 43) home

      46. What was the name of your first pet? (ya know, I'm starting to think these numbers are out partying...) Teddy
 
      47. Who was the second to last person you called? Home (you can see I'm very attached to my family...)
 
      48. Is there anything going on this weekend?NEW YEARS!!!

      49. What are you doing tonight? Oh ya know, the usual
 
      51. What do you think about most? Nathan =) (I changed the last number intentionally, 51 seemed like a better stopping point)


I just found this in my inbox from December of 2006. haha.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

College "kids"

I honestly don't know what to post right this second. I want to post something about immature people, because those people just bother me, but that seems extremely immature, therefore hypocritical. I should post about Christmas, but I loved it so much and it doesn't seem like blog material today. hmmm.

Ya know what? I'm kinda confused. I don't understand how people can get so incredibly stressed about college. I mean we've all been going to school for 13 years, right? And for the last six of those we had 8 classes we had to juggle. Some of us got jobs in high school, so 8 classes, plus a job. And most of us were still able to have a social life. Then we graduate and suddenly half the class has forgotten how to go to school or something? I mean seriously, we each have four classes (give or take), how hard is that? Most of us are in generals, which are crazy easy to begin with. Yes, I know not everyone is good at every subject, but generals really aren't much harder than high school. So four classes instead of 8. Already that sounds cakey. Then there's the ability to set your classes when you want them. Why not set them all after noon? It's like people don't think this through. 4 classes, not at 7 am. It's getting cakier by the second here.

Four classes, when you want them. HOW HARD IS THAT?! Yet, a lot of kids don't survive the first semester, or they survive by the seat of their britches. It seems like everyone's facebook statuses were something like "slept through classes again, partying tonight!" WTF!? I understand if you miss a class on occasion, that happens to even the best student. But missing it "again" and then partying! What's up with that? Just because your mom isn't standing next to you, and telling you to get to class, doesn't mean you can't step up and regulate your own life.

All throughout high school, kids want to be taken seriously; they want to be treated like adults. They're given chances to prove themselves, and sometimes they fall through. But that's totally different that going to college. In high school, there was an adult to help you pick up the pieces that you lost. It's a whole new ball game in college. Just going to college says "I'm ready to be an adult. I'm ready to be taken seriously." But it's impossible to take someone seriously when they can't be an adult. If you're 18-19, and in college, I think you probably ought to be able to make wise decisions. Decisions that prove to people your adulthood. There are some people who really step it up, and those people deserve the jobs and good grades. But there are people who party all night, every night, and then wonder why college didn't go so great. I honestly cannot stand the second group of people. If you can't be an adult, then you should probably go back home, and grow up.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

100 truths

Again, I got this from Mariel. You'd think I was, like, obsessed with her blog or something. =) (Bonus truth: I admire Mariel, that's why I read her blog.) 
 
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: Nathan
3. Last text message: Telling Ali thanks for the awesome gift!
4. Last song you listened to: Harry and Ginny (HP 5 soundtrack)
5. Last time you cried: A few days ago...I think
 HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: No
7. Been cheated on: no.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: yes.
9. Lost someone special: Yes.
10. Been depressed: yep
11. Been drunk and threw up: Nope
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Red
13. Blue
14. Pink
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend: A whole ton of them!
16. Fallen out of love: No way!
17. Laughed until you cried: yes! many many times!
18. Met someone who changed you: haha yes,
19. Found out who your true friends were: =) I hope so!
20. Found out someone was talking about you: haha yup, so I "adios"ed them
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: No, ew! Jk, of course, Nathan is my boyfriend after all.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Every single one of them!
23. How many kids do you want?: 12, cheaper by the dozen, right? Jk, five, tops
24. Do you have any pets?: yea, my frogs and kitties are great
25. Do you want to change your name: No, that'd be silly, I share a name with one of the greatest actors ever!
26. What did you do for your last birthday?:Pretty much what I did this time.
27. What time did you wake up?  7:17 am, Nathan texted.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? Telling children to get to bed! =) and eating nachos with Nathan
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for:I cannot wait for...2011? haha, I dunno, I wish this moment would last forever
30. Last time you saw your Mother: this morning
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Absolutely Nothing!
32. What are you listening to right now: The Harry Potter Five soundtrack.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: haha yea, I think I have
34. Who is getting on your nerves now?: The person on the other end of the phone. I hate the ring on the home phone. People shouldn't call.
35. Most visited webpage: blogspot I bet, and my gmail.
36.What's your real name: Silly-banilly-chilly-milly. Gosh. =) Jk,
37. Nicknames: Morg, Morgie, Guh
38. Relationship Status: On my way to Happily Ever After.
39. Zodiac sign: Libra
40. Primary School? Foothill
41. Secondary School? Canyon View
42. High School: Orem high
43. College: uvu
44. Hair color:brown
45. Tall or short:short
46. Height: 5'4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? Nathan
48: What do you like about yourself?I'm pretty chill, and I work hard
49. Piercings: ears
50. Tattoos:  The big dragon on my thigh...oh no, wait, none,
51. Righy or Lefty: Righty

FIRSTS:
52. First surgery: none
53. First piercing: Ears
54. First best friend: Derek Salomonson
55. First sport you joined: soccer
56. First vacation: Cali, Disneyland
57. First pair of trainers:Trainers? What the?!

RIGHT NOW:
58. Eating: Nothing
59. Drinking:Nothing
60. I'm about to: Throw my little brother from here to the moon...ugh!
61. Listening to: Still Harry Potter
62. Waiting for: Nathan to finish the computer work.
63. I'm feeling: tired, and my head hurts

YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids? Sure do!
65. Get married: (I thought that was implied with the question above...)
66. Career: Filmmaker.

OPPOSITE SEX:
67. Lips or eyes: I sure hope they have both!
68. Hugs or kisses: Kisses on the forehead and nose. (cheesy, but I love those!)
69. Shorter or taller: Taller. =)
70. Older or Younger:Older, I'd feel like I was babysitting anyone younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic. I don't like surprises.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms, =)
 73.sensitive or loud: Sensitive (I'm not seeing how those are opposites, a guy can easily be both.)
74. Hook-up or relationship:Relationship, a sincere one...

HAVE YOU:
75. Kissed a stranger: I kissed a strange person, but I knew him...so...
76. Drank hard Liquor: I only drink soft liquor... jk,
77. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes, that was so frustrating
78. Kiss on first date: Nope! Never!
79. Broken someone's heart: Yup, I hope it hurt!
80. Been arrested: no
81. Turned someone down: yep
82. Cried when someone died: yes
83. Fallen for a friend: yes, I wouldn't have it any other way.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
84. Yourself: Sometimes more than other times.
85. Love at first sight: No, that's just weird, (even though Nathan says that's what happened to him)
86. Heaven:Yes
87. Santa Claus: Yes, Of course!
88. Kiss on the first date: No, never, ever, ever, sick! 
89. Angels: Yes
90. God: YES 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: ew no
92. Did you sing today?: nope
93. Did something illegal?: =)
94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: 1920's...
95. The moment you would choose to relive?: Today, again, and again, and again.
96. Are you afraid of falling in love?:No,
97. When was the last time you lied?No clue, yesterday or something, but there's a difference between a lie and keeping a secret.
98. Are you usually late, early or right on time?: I'm generally a tiny bit early, or pretty late.
99. Would you give your life to save someone else's life: depends on who.
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: If I sat here this whole time, don't ya think I'd be okay with posting this? Yeesh!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

End of Year Review

I stole this from Mariel's blog. =)

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?:   
Got a Job!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: I have no idea, I don't remember what they were last year... And yes, I'll make more!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?: Nope
 
5. What countries did you visit?: None...lame, I know!
 
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?:  um I don't know. A light set sounds good
 
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:  In 2010? I should say my graduation day, but I don't think that's it, I have a terrible memory, so I don't know!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:  Graduating from high school.

9. What was your biggest failure?:  Acting class...ugh!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: of course...I always get sick...

11. What was the best thing you bought?: A CAR!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?: Angie and Jentry.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?: She's dead now...so I don't feel bad for using her name. Kelly Fry-Glasser

14. Where did most of your money go?:  Car

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Getting a job, getting great grades this semester in school, getting a car, and being with Nathan. =)

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?: That stupid song by black eyed peas... "tonights gonna be a good night" or whatever

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: Happier!
ii. thinner or fatter?: Um...probably the exact same.
iii. richer or poorer?: Richer, even though my bank account would disagree, because now I have a job!
 
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Journal writing, studying
 
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: Shopping...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?: With my family (which includes Nathan's family too)

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2010?:  Nothing? I don't really know

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?: Yup, every single day, =)

23. How many one-night stands?:how many nights are there in a year? jk =) NONE!
 
24. What was your favorite TV program?: 16 and Pregnant, America's Next Top Model, House.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:  Nope, still hate everyone the same.

26. What was the best book you read?: I am Number Four. LOVED IT!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: I can still play viola even though I haven't practiced in a long time, I suck, but I still remember how to do it!
 
28. What did you want and get?: A car, and an Ipod classic
 
29. What did you want and not get?:  Cambria

30. What was your favorite film of this year?:  of this year? HARRY POTTER! Heck yes!!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: I turned 19, and I spent it with my family and Nathan. =) 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: If Garison got hit by a truck

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?: Um... like it was last year, and the year before... Just whatever I feel like!

34. What kept you sane?: Nathan, and the kids, but mostly Nathan

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: The director of Harry Potter and the director of House. If only I could be like them!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: oh gosh...I have no idea, um... hmmm

37. Who did you miss?: Right now I miss Nathan, but a lot of the time I miss Cambria

38. Who was the best new person you met?: huh...my professors, and all of my acting class. =) Loved them!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: I learned that if you want something, you have to really fight for it, no dilly-dallying, just attack it! 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Someone Like You lyrics

I'm wearing thin
I couldn't tell you the city I'm in
The streets and the buildings
And places I've been
Or when the stars go when it's daylight again
Or where the time went
Oh, who can save me now?

My life in the rearview
I'm runnin' from Jesus
Don't know where I'm going to
I got nothing to lose
I'm fighting my demons
Been lookin' for someone like you
I've been looking for someone like you

So sing me a song I know all the words to
And I'll sing along
Could you be my savior?
I've been out here too long
And I've just been lookin' for somewhere to belong
Been holdin' on
So can you save me now?

My life in the rearview
I'm runnin' from Jesus
Don't know where I'm going to
I got nothing to lose
I'm fighting my demons
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/boys-like-girls-lyrics/someone-like-you-lyrics.html ]
Been looking for someone like you
I've been lookin' for someone like you

When the stars explode
And I'm all alone
When they start to see the smoke
When I finally burn out
I'll need someone to carry me home
Safe and sound

My life in the rearview
I'm runnin' from Jesus
Don't know where I'm going to
I got nothing to lose
I'm fighting my demons
Been looking for someone like you

But I got nothing to lose
I'm fighting my demons
Don't know where I'm goin' to

My life in the rear view
I'm runnin' from Jesus
Don't know where I'm going to
I got nothing to lose
I'm fighting my demons
Been looking for someone like you
I've been lookin' for someone like you
I've been lookin' for someone like you


My resolutions this year:
Get all A's, 
Get an Internship
Write a screenplay
Save more money

Monday, December 20, 2010

A Victim of My Own Imagination

My sub-conscience is out to get me. It's true! I've had the most bizarre dreams, and each one ends up sort of scary.

A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I was leaving work and lesbian zombies attacked me. Then all these people that I knew turned into zombies and I was trapped on the seventh floor of the CS building wishing my phone worked so I could call for help...

The night before last I dreamed that Nathan turned into a cheetah between 6 pm and 6 am. Rachel kept thinking Nathan was her boyfriend and got all mad at me when he kissed me. And then there was this basketball team (that I'm sure would suck if they were real). They were all MASSIVE! I don't mean extremely tall, I mean extremely HUGE! They all had to weigh like 600 pounds...per inch. And they were mean! One of them (the biggest one) kept picking on me. It was so terrible. That doesn't sound terrible, but it was!

And then last night I dreamed that I was getting ready for my photo final with Reese. There were maybe seven kids in my class, and I was the only girl. We went out to this weird little forest place that happened to be on UVU campus. My classmates and I were standing in a semi circle while Reese talked to us. He gave us instructions and told us to go shoot a man. My dream edited the part where we actually did the shooting. But when everyone came back they each had a bag with a man in it. They literally SHOT a man. I came back with a nice portrait. Someone shot two men so they lent me one. I nearly died right there. I dropped the bag and started to yell at Reese for assigning something so terrible. He just laughed and told me we hadn't even started the test yet. The test was to dismantle each dead man and reassemble him inside out. All the guys started on it, but I refused to. I decided that taking a bad grade was a lot better than mutilating some man. As I walked away the lights dimmed (yes, we were outside, but my dreams play out like movies, so lights dim outside too). I turned around and Reese was telling us horror stories that were by some author named James Cameron. He wrote really terrible novels about kids who watch their parents die... I told him he was a sick pervert and he told me I was a wimp. I started to walk away through the mini forest. I heard something behind me, without turning around I knew it was those poor inside-out, dead men... They came to life and were trying to eat me...

I have no idea where my mind gets these ideas. I don't even like murder mysteries! Or mutilating people... I'm almost too scared to fall asleep. STUPID IMAGINATION!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Tabernacle Tragedy

Notice the boy on the right...he moves so quickly the lens couldn't capture him clearly. =)



this is from the parking garage uppermost level. I didn't crop it on purpose. I like the random tower in the image there...

I'm really proud of this one. I love the feel of it.

This would have been so much cooler if the flag had been billowing!

I don't know if anyone else noticed, but every police blockade and tape line was upside down...


I call this "ladder to Heaven"

I wish I hadn't been so cold. I could have gotten cooler pictures of the icicles

No my night pictures are blurry. I was cold, and I forgot to change my ISO...

I like this one, even though it could have been better

It was a totally different site at night

The flames picked up again, and the smoke got higher

I would frame this and hang it on my wall...

I think this is the exact same picture as the last one. I just want you to fully appreciate it

My night ones are pretty messed up. Oh well, you live and learn

My first epic HDR! Some of the are HDR, but this one is my amazingly epic one. It's an artistic choice, It's not meant to look realistic

This one is also at the top, but it's an HDR. My first ever HDR.

Not an HDR, just a cool picture

I hope these people don't mind me showing off their backs to the world. 
I didn't take the pictures to document, I took them mostly for my own benefit. I took them as practice, and because I thought "Hey, Why not take pictures of this once in a life time event?" I showed up and guess who else was there? REESE! That was awesome, he taught me a lot of neat tricks, like HDR. Now I have a new trick to play around with.

Comment and critique, don't you dare just say "nice pictures" because that's not a (good) comment or a critique.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Washed Away

Washed away
and pushed downstream
So many thoughts and feelings
gone forever...

Caught in a net
of loss and pain
Tangled hearts and hands
grasping for each other...

Life Lessons

"Don't take a vitamin on an empty stomach" is one of those things parents really ought to tell their children. Especially before they get to college. I have never once heard that while I was growing up. So you know what I did today? I took a vitamin, on an empty stomach.

I thought "hey, today I'll be good and take a vitamin." Turns out I should have thought "Hey, I'll eat some breakfast then take a vitamin." I swallowed the world's largest vitamin before heading to work. I got less than three blocks south before I decided I needed to puke. I got out of the car and stood on the sidewalk, hoping the cold air would help my stomach calm down. Yea, it didn't... I felt it coming, but I couldn't stop it. I threw up in the gutter. I threw up and as I did, I realize I was sort of facing the oncoming wind... luckily I stepped back just in time.

Then I had this brilliant idea! If I eat, my stomach won't hurt so much anymore. I went to McDonald's. I don't like most of McDonald's food, but I do like their cinnamelts. So I got some of those, ate part of them, then sat there wondering why my stomach still felt like crap. Then it hit me... CINNAMON! Yup, in my rush to get food in my stomach I forgot to consider the fact that eating something that normally makes me sick probably isn't going to make me feel not sick. I hate most of them (because they're just so darn good), and now I'm sitting here thinking "I really wish someone had told me to not take vitamins on an empty stomach BEFORE I found it out the hard way..."

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Girls and my Car

I feel really immature, but something is bothering me. People. Yup. People are bothering me. I don't even know where to begin on this.

Let's call her Girl M. Now Girl M was once friends with Boy H. Boy H and Girl M were friends and hung out here and there. Then Boy H did some pretty ridiculous things. He thought he could get away with terrible stunts... Boy H hurt Girl G, again, and again, and again. Girl M and Girl G were friends... but now Girl M believes it's alright to be friends with Boy H no matter what he's done. Now, I know there is this thing called forgiveness, but that does not mean you need to become best friends with the person who hurt your friend ("hurt" means "practically ruined their life"). Girl M was friends with Girl G, but now that Boy H is playing the pity card, Girl M would much rather be his friend.

If that fits your situation, then leave me alone. I'll still chill talk to you, but I don't wanna be invited to anything, and I don't want you to call me your friend. I don't know if Girl M realizes this, but Girl G deserves a lot better treatment, and Boy H needs to realize that life isn't about him. He screwed up, he should definitely find new friends.



And another thing...my car. My battery AND alternator died... great right? So I bought a new battery that could get my car at least to the mechanic. Betsy went to the mechanic and the mechanic decided to do $400 worth of work on her, without asking me. If he had asked me I would  have said "Hold off on it until I can ask for estimates from other mechanics because I cannot afford a repair like that." So I am not paying that mechanic for a repair I did not okay. That's my legal right. I never said he could do that, therefore he cannot charge me.

On top of it, everyone is trying to pay for my car for me. I know I should be grateful, and accept the money nicely, but I don't want to. I want this to be my car. My money going into my car. Yes, it'll drain my entire bank account once I pay for it all plus insurance, but it is MY car. MY money should go into MY car. That's sweet of people to try to help...but I wanna do it. How am I supposed to grow up if no one is letting me struggle a bit? I'll never learn to pay my own bills if everyone is doing it for me. If I do end up accepting their money, I'll be in debt to them. I already have a loan. I don't need anymore debt. Once I pay my loan off, I'll be fine again. I honestly don't need anyone to help me right now. I'm alright.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Black Roses

So I was going through my documents to organize them. I have WAY too many from so long ago. Or I did. Haha, I deleted most of them. I had book reports from 10th grade!

Anyway, I came across this story I wrote. I wrote it in junior high, around eighth or ninth grade. It's six pages, single spaced. That right there made me think "Wow, I had no life." Then I read it, and within the first paragraph I started five sentences with words that end in "-ly." "Slowly" "Instantly" "Readily" "Lazily" I had an "-ly" complex. So I fixed those. Then I actually read it, and it wasn't too bad. I'm sure if I read it out loud I could find more things to fix, but I'm at work, so I'll look stupid reading to myself. The story though, is really dark. I mean it is a story about suicide, but it's so graphic! I don't know where I pulled that out of. I remember where I got the inspiration for the story: based on a true story of a boy. But I threw in some of my own details, obviously.

On Monday we watched "Fight Club" in film. That was incredibly dark. Then I read this story and I thought "Holy Cow! I'm as dark as those filmmakers!" Seriously! Here's a tidbit of the story to prove my point:

"I ran home faster than the day before. My feet knew the way. That night I didn’t e-mail anyone, I didn’t do my homework. I cried. Once my tears ran dry, I pulled out my pocketknife. It was shiny and clean. I rolled up a sleeve.
    “This is for you Kennedy!” I screamed silently.
    One slit.
    “This is for you Nick!”
    Two slits.
    “This is for you Jennifer!”
    Three slits.
    “You want me to suffer?”
    Four slits.
    “I’ll suffer!”
    Five slits, six slits, seven slits.
    I watched as my shiny knife turned crimson with blood. Each drop of blood for each ounce of pain. A sick feeling ached within me. My arm oozed scarlet drops of my own blood."

HOW DID I COME UP WITH THAT! THAT'S DISGUSTING!! (no offense if you do cut yourself...you know it's a gross habit.)

I think I need some sort of psychotherapy before I really make some screwed up films.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Edge

Standing on the
edge
Watching the world
crash
Silver mixed with red and
blue
Absorbed into the nothingness of
space
empty,
     desolate
          black
               whole.



*"Whole" is meant to be that way. not a typo

New Year Resolutions

These are my new year's resolutions:

1. Keep my room clean EVERYDAY and not just on weekends.

2. Remember to help Nathan keep on top of his homework.

3. Keep on top of mine.

These are my new year's goals:

1. Take one good photo everyday.

2. Write a screenplay that can be submitted to the LDS film festival '12.

3. Go to the 2012 Sundance Film Festival.



I know it's early but I really just wanna make sure I work these things out before the new year comes so that I'm ready. I don't want to try to accomplish these things. I will accomplish these things. And to do that I need to make sure I know what each of those entails. So I'm starting now.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Promise of Tomorrow

It's not about the end
It's about a new beginning.
A streak of red
New love found.
A touch of orange
security in new knowledge.
A fan of yellow
hope that better change will occur.
Clouds painted in fear and faith.
With each sunset comes
the promise of tomorrow.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Nathan

I just wanted to post about Nathan. =) I don't normally just post about him because I'm not really into PDA and stuff. But I just want the whole world to know that I love him. I love everything about him.

When I'm having a really hard time, he makes everything okay. He holds me when I need to be held, and makes me laugh all the time. No matter what happens he's by my side. I know that no matter where life takes us, Nathan is going to be there with me.

I don't know where I'd be without him. I feel like I can do anything with Nathan supporting me. I could fly if I wanted to. When I get stressed over school work he calms me down and reminds me that it'll all be okay.

Sometimes Nathan can't see why I love him so much, and I can never see why he would think that. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him. When he's at work after we've been at school all day I really miss him. I look forward to seeing him every morning and every evening, even if we're just doing homework together. I hope I always get to see him. I don't think I would enjoy life as much if I had to go through it all without him. =)

Friday, November 26, 2010

Seriously?

Seriously?

That's all I can think to say. "Seriously?" Seriously guys?

I'm pretty sure I'm not a replacement, and that I can't be replaced. So stop doing that. I'm happy for you, honestly. I am so happy that things worked out between you and her, but I at least deserve an apology for being treated as her temporary replacement.

I also deserve an apology for you choosing him over me. Yea, he needs friends too, but who is the one that got hurt? Who is the one that did the hurting? I'm not the only one he hurt ya know. Emy did too. Yea, she gave up on him too, so while you're off enjoying his disgusting sweet act, we're sitting here thinking "wow, some friend." I'm not going to make you choose, I'm choosing for you. You choose him. I hope you're happy.

I hope you're all happy. To be honest, KCK was a better friend. She never pretended to care. Either she did or she didn't. I doubt I'll ever understand what happened there, but at least she didn't pretend.

Seriously? Don't pretend. I'm not her replacement, and I'm not going to consider you a friend as long as you and him are all buddy buddy. It's that simple. Sorry.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Just Like Him

Follow the leader
One by one
Watch each step
Mimic each motion
Breathe in time
Blink on three
Do just as he does
Pass all the others
Act on his instincts
It'll all be over soon
Now fall just as he does
Watch the mountains fly by
Like credits at the end
Of a sad, confused, lonely life

Monday, November 22, 2010

Puppet

Dance
Spin
Sit my puppet
Talk
Cry
Scream my puppet
Sleep
Relax
Dream my dear





If that seriously wasn't the darkest thing you've ever read...goodness.

Shadows

Hush, don't speak so loud
The shadows on the wall are listening
They lay in wait for you to slip
Keep your secrets locked away
The darkness calls from all around
Pulling at the depths of your soul
They want it to come out
They want you to scream
Hush, don't speak so loud

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Forever with the Devil

Look into his eyes
They've lost their magic luster
Listen to his voice
It lingers in the wounds

Forever with the Devil
He'll twist and bind you still

Drown in her tears
You're the only one to blame
Watch as she tells God
All your dirty little secrets

Forever with the Devil
Her heart will rip with pain

Dance on your toes
Don't let your guard down
Be big, and powerful
Try to hide the shame

Forever with the Devil
Controlling your leaders...

Forever the Devil...
Forever yours...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Apology Accepted

Silence in the air
Tells me you didn't mean it
Your lack of remorse
Shows me you truly care
The recurrence of the issue
Reminds me that accidents happen
Don't bother uttering the words
I already know the end
But maybe this time you'll surprise me
And an apology will come forth

Friday, November 19, 2010

Never Forget

There's a whisper in the wind
They say it calls your name
My heart is numb with grief
And can no longer hear the sigh
Two thousand voices roar
They destroy the sweet call
My heart is numb with grief
And can no longer hear the sigh
My hands are raw and blistered
They cannot hold on anymore
There is a time to let go
A time to move forward in faith
But my heart is numb with grief
And can no longer hear the sigh
Though my eyes are dry
My world is wet with tears
I cry inside myself for you
Knowing you're gone from here
My heart is numb with grief,
But I can never forget...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

what they can never have

They're waiting
Waiting for you
They want you
Want you to fall

They're listening
Listening for cries
They're hoping
Hoping you fail

Make no mistake
Don't look down
Stare into their eyes
Burn into them fear.

Make them
Make them fear you
Sear their hearts
With the dreams of your own

Change them
Change their eyes
Replace them
Replace them with yours

Teach them to listen
Help them to crave
Make them want
What they can never have.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

'Tis the Season

Well the festive season is beginning, and we all know what that means. FOOD! and SHOPPING! Everyone knows what those bring. WEIGHT! and PEOPLE WATCHING!

In honor of all the people watching, I'm going to try to post pictures of the shopping season when I go out. Interesting people, awesome people...scary people...SANTA! =)

I just delivered fliers to the professors about a weight challenge the school is sponsoring. Normally I'm not into that kind of thing, but this involves money. The idea is to not gain more than two pounds during this fattening season. If you can keep your weight the same you are entered to win MONEY! (well gift cards). I read that and thought "Hey! This will be easy!" but then I realized that as soon as I try to not gain weight I'll gain weight. Which creates a win win for me either way. I either gain the weight I need or I get entered to win MONEY! HECK YES BABY! =) This will be a cinch.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Mmm

That was a pouty "mmm" in case you were wondering. The sound of being frustrated. FRUSTRATED AT JERK FACES! okay, maybe that's an over statement... I'm just really frustrated. I'm frustrated at "friends" or old friends or whatever you wanna call them. I definitely wish I could just stop being so nice to everyone. I just can't handle being mean for so long, or so indifferent. I don't want to give them any reason to be rude to me, so I try really hard to just play it nice. I say hi, ask them how they are. Give them a hug. Smile politely. Laugh at their jokes. Tell them to have fun at school and what not. Then they just go around being rude. It's driving me up a wall! They're impolite, they're snotty, they're just...frustrating.

Seriously, I don't hate them. Any of them. I never have. I was hurt before so I got mad. But I never hated them. I promise. And I didn't get mad for no reason. They treated me pretty badly. Now We're all grown up though. We're past that. right? wrong...we aren't. We aren't past that because they still think they're better than me. They still think that hanging out with me is a sin. They think that just because I was raised differently than them they have the advantage. They have two parents, yet they never learned any manners. They're involved with BYU, which is like a free ticket to Heaven, right? No wait... IT'S NOT! It's not any different than going to the U or to UVU or to USU, or even USC! It's just a college! It's someplace to learn. They don't have any sort of advantage over me. We're all just going through life.

I imagine going through life being like a hiking trip. I imagine we're all going the same direction, so we might as well hold on to each other and sing songs or something. We might as well share our granola and berries. Take pictures. Etc. I know for sure that if we were hiking in real life, and someone who was nice to me tripped and slipped off a cliff, I'd reach out to grab them. I wouldn't let them fall. I'd know they were going to come to that cliff because I'd be with them. But I know that if someone was rude to me, I wouldn't hike near them. I wouldn't be there for them when they fell and slipped off a cliff. And what if I was the designated rope carrier? Then they'd be in big trouble, wouldn't they? I know that they people who are nice to me, my true friends will have at least my hand to hold when it gets rough. I know that the people right around me won't fall off a cliff if I can help it. Those other people, the ones at the front of the line that think they're so much better than everyone because they have a BYU shirt on, won't have my hand to hold. I hope they have someone's, but it sure as heck won't be mine.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Should I?

I'm not sure I should post this, but I'm going to. I'm kinda miffed. I honestly don't like people who aren't true friends. I don't like people who say one thing in person or private then another to everyone else. Especially when it comes to friendship. If you're a friend in private then be a friend in public.

On the topic of friends, I really hope that I can stay friends with the people in my acting class for a while. I really enjoy talking to all of them. They make acting fun! Seriously! Oddly enough they feel more like friends than most of the people I've known for years. Is that wrong?

Back to my original topic here. When you say you're a friend to me, then I kinda expect to be called a friend publicly. When people you've only known for a few months become friends publicly instead of me, I kinda get miffed. Does that make sense? So say I've known you for a while, and you say to me "I really like hanging out with you." then someone asks you to list your friends and I'm not on it...what's that about? How about next time you just don't call me to hang out... Yea, if you don't want to openly be my friend, or you don't want to have to remember me, next time call those other friends.

What's that? Those other friends aren't really your friends anymore? TOUGH LUCK!

Cleaning

I got my laptop two years ago. I've cleaned the screen hundreds of times, but I haven't cleaned the rest of it. Sure, I've wiped it off, but I haven't ever cleaned it out. Nathan cleaned it out for me. I have never seen such large dust bunnies. I'm not even kidding. The fan looked like grand central station for dust bunnies. I was thinking, It's a good thing dust bunnies aren't carnivorous. They'd have swallowed Nathan and me whole... It was ridiculous! But my laptop is now clean. I can't breathe, but it can! =)

November 10

I am ridiculously behind on my thankful things. So I'm just going to give up on those. See my facebook page if you want to know what I'm thankful for each day.

Instead I'm just going to go back to writing normal random posts, because I am normal and random. No matter how hard I try I can't stick to a perfect little schedule of things. I can barely do it for school, let alone every day living. I like to do things my way, without telling anyone what I'm doing until I'm almost done. It gets hard to do that when I have Nathan, so I do tell him everything as it's going on...

I'm totally rambling. Haha, sorry. I'm just ridiculously tired. Yesterday was crazy stressful at work and then with my movie editing. Now I gotta make another video...ugh!! I HATE EDITING. I'D RATHER BE BOOM OPERATOR! OR THE PERSON THAT SWEEPS UP EVERY NIGHT!

Anyway, Love you! Adios

Friday, November 5, 2010

November 5

Today I'm thankful for a home. It's a crowded home, but it's home, and I love it. I love being able to snuggle into my own bed at night, knowing I'll be safe and warm all night. I don't think I could be homeless, I wouldn't make it, so I'm glad I get to live with my grandma and my family. One day I'll make my own home, but for now I'm really glad I have this home.

November 4

On November 4, I was thankful for my job. Yesterday at work sorta sucked, but I'm still glad I'm getting paid. I love getting paid. I think it's the coolest thing since sliced bread. I seriously cannot wait to get my own car!

November 3

Today I am thankful for the chance to vote. Which I did on November 2. Gosh I'm behind.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

November 2

Today I'm thankful for my family. I'm glad God decided to send us to a group of people when He sent us to Earth. Can you imagine just being poofed down here all alone? With family we have automatic friends, people who care about us. Every family has a different way of doing things, and I like how my family does it. I'm sure there are a lot of great families out there, but I love mine. I love how the kids fight and then act like nothing happened, or how they draw me pictures to make me smile every day. I love it when Chandler calls me fifty times a day just to see if I'm coming home anytime soon (but don't tell him that). I love my sisters and how great they're doing these days! I love my grandma, and I'm so happy I have her. I love all my siblings that don't live with me. I love my mom and my dad who are both trying to be a part of my life now. I love it all. I wouldn't have it any other way. =)

Monday, November 1, 2010

November

The month of Thanksgiving. Each day I'm going to list something I'm thankful for. I might even write a short paragraph about it.

November 1,

Today I am thankful for the chance to go to college and learn about something I love. It gets hard sometimes, but if it wasn't hard then I wouldn't  be learning anything. There are some people who don't ever get the chance to go to school, let alone college. I don't understand how people can slack off so much with such a privilege. I wouldn't trade this chance for anything, ever! I worked hard to get here, and I'm glad I get to be here. I'm glad I get to sit in classrooms all day long, listening to things that don't make any sense, so that one day I can do what I love.