Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Because I can't just pop T-shirts out like I can ads...


Apparently there has been some speculation in the past about how I feel about things. In other words, lots of people think I'm angry at or hate certain people. So it's time to clear things up a bit.

To begin this meeting, this post is going out to a bunch of people via email. So if you randomly opened your mail today and saw a message from me, it's because this is a blog post that concerns you in one way or another. I don't think there are any other announcements on the board, so lets get started.

First item of business is the past. Since the past is such a broad topic, let's narrow it down to a "recent past"--say a year or two. A lot of things happened in the past two years. Like a bunch of us graduated from high school. and a bunch of us decided that one of us isn't cool enough to hang out or something like that. Which is totally alright. It's part of high school. I don't have much to say on this first business item, because a lot of it happened outside of my control.

The second thing I wanna talk about is my POV on this whole thing. I hate choir, sorry guys, I do. I don't hate people in choir, but I hate the fact that it kinda made me an outcast. I support my friends being in choir, and I will go to their performances, but there is no way in heck I will ever like the idea of choir. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't really see any of you asking me about how my academics are going, so I'm not going to treat you any differently than you treat me, so suck it up. If you wanted me to be interested in your choir lives then you should have been interested in mine.

I was in the middle of typing up the fourth thing on my agenda, when I read through this again. I realized that I just spit back out everything someone once told me. Two people actually. I remember being really crushed by what they said, so I deleted it and decided to say "Look, guys, I love you, and I want to be friends with you. It's hard when you guys all treat me not so nicely, so I decided to give up. I'm not going to go out of my way to be nice, but I won't be mean either. I'll always be here for you to come to if you need help. I will never turn my back on you no matter how much you hate me. I'm here, with open arms. You know where to find me."

Sunday, August 29, 2010


I am extremely excited for Christmas. I don't know why I'm so excited. I just am. I can't wait for the holidays. Christmas songs on the radio. Wearing two pairs of pants and at least three shirts plus a jacket. That much closer to getting a car. Seeing that A on my transcript. Making snow men. Decorating. Gifts. Ridiculous traffic. Buying tissues every time I go to the store. I can't wait!

Friday, August 27, 2010


So pretty much, I'm exhausted. It's only been three days but it feels a lot longer. I worked Wednesday from eight to eleven and had classes from eleven to five with only a ten minute break between each... oh and each class is at least two hours. Talk about killer.

My classes are pretty class like. I'll probably talk about each one later, but right now I'm pretty focused on my film class. My photo class will be cake (long, boring cake...) and my digital class will be pretty digital like. My acting class is a whole other story entirely.

My film class is graduate level stuff. An A is extremely rare (one in every seventy get it). My class has seventy people in it, 60 boys and 10 girls. We watch movies and then pick them apart. It sounds easy enough, until you find out what you're picking out of the movie. By the end of the class this semester we should be able to watch any movie and say "this is scene one, act one. This is where act two begins." In a play that's easy. In a movie, yea, right! Have you ever watch a movie and thought "hmmm, act one was very well put together"? yea, because I haven't! Aside from picking out acts, we need to be able to answer the question "what did the use of props do for this movie?" my answer right now is something like "well, without the props, Harry Potter wouldn't have had a wand to do magic with..." So we can all see that that question is going to kick my butt. I made a friend in that class though. So I can make him study with me and we can kick trash together (even though he's my competition). His name is Sam. He's a funny kid.

So I'm ready to kick trash in this major. and if any of you wants to stand in my way, I hope you've repented for all your sins because I might just have to speed up this life for you. No I'm kidding. but I am serious about this major. I'm going to do it, and I'm going to do it well. I'm going to get that A. and every other A I can. I'm going to make my professors say "whoa, that girl wants this, and she's got the skills to do it." When Universal Studios comes looking at us here, I want to be the one that stands out in there head. If that requires me to make them coffee to suck up, I'll be out grinding the beans by hand (while reading over my textbooks of course). There are very few things I won't do to get this. Why does it matter so much? Because I'm in a movie making major, what do you do with that other than make movies? We all know that business is competitive, so I'm going to compete.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Lucy and Ethel

When you're little, you make friends because subconsciously you know they're like family, and family is comforting in places like school. You make friends based on true interests. Someone has a sandwich like yours. Or you both like to swing at recess. Or you happen to ride the same bus and like to sit in the back. You do things that you like because YOU like them. Not because some invisible person wrote about it in a magazine. Not because this really super cute boy at school dates girls that like that stuff. You like it because when you're little, the world revolves around you.

In "I Love Lucy," Lucy and Ethel are friends because they seem to think a lot alike. Granted, Lucy is the one with the hairbrained schemes, while Ethel tries to keep her grounded. Deep down, though, they laugh at the same jokes, they think the same plans will work (they never do), they make the same sarcastic remarks, they have the same taste in fashion (black and white...and frilly). They compliment each other.

On TV these days friendships are showed differently. In reality TV, the best friends of any show fight like heck but still consider each other "besties." I don't understand how that works. Even on the Disney channel friendships are a bit weird. There's always a person who is a certain way, then there is someone who is totally opposite of them, but they're friends. I mean, there's nothing wrong with this for TV, but I think it's messing up people's ideas of friendships in real life.

When I fight with a friend, it's over. If I am not mature enough to stand behind this friend in what she/he believes then there is no point in us being friends. If she/he is not mature enough to stand behind me, then I expect them to leave. Yea, people have many different interests. I like film, for example, and Nathan likes computers (and pieces of computers). I don't understand a single thing he says about them, and honestly, it doesn't interest me. What interests me about it though is how much he likes it. I can't tell you a single thing he tells me because I don't retain much of it. I love to listen though. I love to hear him talk about what he wants to do with this new found passion. Sitting through endless talks about hard drives and graphics cards  is so worth it to me because I know that it's what he likes to do. (and I know he gets to sit through endless talks about cameras and acting styles.)

I had lots of friends starting high school...but I forgot how to listen. So I lost almost every single one of them. It took time, but eventually they all flitted off, which they should have! I didn't pay much attention to most of them. I tried to pay attention to some of them, but it was hard. I tried to pay attention to Rachel's choir interest, but I didn't want to have anything to do with people in choir. I didn't (and still don't) really like them. I never learned how to just listen to what she had to say about it. It's something I'm just now learning. And it's hard because sometimes, I don't think she listens to me... And I really enjoy sharing my ideas. I know that that friendship is pretty much at a standstill and isn't going to go anywhere, but I still try. Sometimes she doesn't try...and that's okay.

I just want a friendship like Lucy and Ethel. One where we get into stupid messes or say silly things or just be ourselves, but we can always laugh about it later no matter what. I have Nathan, and that's awesome, but I just wish sometimes that I had an Ethel in my life. I have my Ricky...I just need my Ethel.

(so if you're name is Ethel, then hit me up in the comments... )

Gone in the current

gone in the current
over rock and ridge
across valley and plain
watching sunsets and surises
away from the pains of life

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I need you

I see your name
I want to hear your voice

I read your words
I want to see your face

Comfort in a losing battle
Support in every choice

Don't forget about me
I don't want to be erased

Basic Update

I just want the whole world to know how amazing life is right now.

Tomorrow is my first job interview, so cross your fingers for me! =)

My oldest sister gets a retrial. Right now she's in rehab, turning her life around. The lady who screwed it all up before is dead... which sounds terrible, but it's a really big blessing for Angie and Cami. Because with a retrial, there will be a new guardian ad lidem. With Angie doing so fantastic, and the WWW lady dead, the new person will know nothing but the sweet and loving Daughter of God that my sister is. That can mean a whole new life for Cami, she won't get hurt anymore by her father. So everyone pray that it'll go well.

My other older sister, Jentry, is doing fantastic as well. I mean she still drives me nuts sometimes at home, but oh well. She has completely changed her life around too. I am really proud of her progress and how hard she is trying. And I'm really bummed that she can't bedazzle her ankle monitor. =)

School is starting, and my nephew, Brax, gets to start kindergarten. Chan will be going into the second grade, and this is Makenzie's last year in elementary school. I can't believe it! They're all so self motivated right now, too! Mak is teaching Brax to read, working on her penmanship (which Grandma deems to be a really important thing in life), and she's working through puberty right now. Chan has started scouts, and is working his tail off to do as much as he can and be the best scout he can be. He's even teaching his best friend scout stuff. Brax has finally gained the confidence to use the toilet instead of his pants, and ride a bike without training wheels.

All in all, life is finally awesome!!


A change in the breeze
A directional shift
New places to visit
A new way to drift

A whisper on the wind
Tempting me to follow
Passing people and faces
Eyes completely blank and hollow

Catch me on the current
Hold me in your heart
Though the wind pulls us
It can never tear us apart.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Dream it
and it will happen
No matter what
No matter when
You can make it happen

Quit trying to
Undo it all
It's time to
Let go
Time to move on
Each second is new.
"Reach for the stars"


It starts with a seed
It's what they all say

Water it,
Watch it,
Weed it,
It will grow

An acorn
A flower

a garden?
a field?
a plantation?

Too late,
It's fall
No more growing
Only harvesting


I love you

Ride the wind
Let it all go by

Don't look back
Feel the sky

Count each star
They're yours

Forget the past
And all the horrors

Listen to me speak
Hear my heart beat

I love you

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Let go...



Each step
Towards you
Bleeds me dry


Each word
You speak to me
Makes me cry


Each time
You come and go
Leaves only a lie

Friday, August 6, 2010

Nathan Dearest

So lots of people always ask me why I love Nathan. I don't know why people ask me that. He's a very lovable guy. But I never have a short answer for them. I never have a short answer for anything though. I could tell them I love him because he's silly, but a lot of people are silly. I could say it's because he makes me laugh, but a lot of people do that too. We do a lot of people watching together, but that just makes it sound like we're creepy. There's so much I could say, but none of it really seems like that good of an answer. Then I found this quote on Robyn's blog. It describes Nathan perfectly. He does all of this, and that's exactly why I love him.

" Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, that's her... "
-- Unknown


If I could touch the sky,
I would

If I could catch a star
I would

If I could swim the seas
I would

You thought I couldn't
But I could

I thought you wouldn't
But you did

The sky is too far
I can't catch a star
And the seas are too deep
But you are mine to keep

Hold my hand
Let's catch the breeze

Say my name
Under the trees

Kiss me softly
I ask, Please...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Generation Gap is Getting Much Bigger

So I was reading the comics today, then the horoscopes and history section, like I always do. Then I decided to read the section where stupid people ask advice of someone who supposedly knows everything. The question today was "My mother doesn't do email. She doesn't have access to, or the capabilities to use a home computer and the internet. How do I keep in touch with her if I can't email her?" Not kidding! That was the question. Want to know what the answer was? A bunch of websites that you email, they print out your email and physically mail it to your grandparent. It costs thirteen dollars a month. I'm serious!

How freakin' ridiculous is that?! What is wrong with people these days!? Can't they type up a letter, like an email, and print it themselves? It's not that hard! You have to type papers for school, so they should know how to do it. And in actuality, it isn't that different to write a letter instead of an email anyway. Instead of pressing a send button, you put a stamp on it and put it in a box. OoOo! So hard!

Things like this just really frustrate me. Everyone talks about how smart Asians are, or how other cultures do so well in the world. It's like they think it's some great mystery. "Oh! Asians are geniuses, they're all born that way." NOT! They study their butts off to get where they are. Their whole senior year of high school is test after test after test, without a break. They study everything! They study math, languages, music, computers, science, you name it, they study it. And they don't get away with failing grades. They are pushed to their limits, which pushes their limits further.

We, in America, have it so easy. I mean we take three math classes in high school! To make that easier, we get to choose which math we do! If we suck at algebra we can take geometry instead. In Asian countries, they have to take it all! and they have to PASS it all!

I bet they all know how to use snail mail. It's common sense! Sure, email is easy and a lot faster, but there are some things that I would not email. Besides, sometimes it's nice to get regular mail instead. It's a little more heartfelt.

Not only can people not send snail mail, people don't know how to write properly, or use real words. There is a ton of shorthand out there for internet use, such as LOL and BTW. Things like that cause people to use the word "cuz" instead of "because." There is no grammar check so people are going crazy with the "your" instead of "you're." Then people complain that English classes are too hard. I bet people in China don't whine that Chinese is too hard. If you really have a problem learning real English, then go learn Spanish. It's the easiest language to learn.

People want to know things, but they don't take the time to actually learn them. The only math they want to learn is 2+2. The only English they want to learn is slang and how to write an email. I think there is something seriously wrong with America. People need to start being pushed again. Schools shouldn't cater to the weak and the whiners. They should keep pushing kids from the time they start school. Teachers shouldn't get in trouble for having hard curriculum. C should not be a passing grade. It should be just as bad as an F. Kids should have to take hard classes all the way up to the time they graduate from college. There should be way more than four classes a day. Mythology and Film Lit should not be English credits. All history classes should be AP style. And seniors in high school should be required to take a test every week or more.

If people these days can't even figure out how to send regular mail, we're in for some serious trouble, America.

where's my emo make-up?

Have ya ever had one of those days when it's going just dandy, then suddenly it's not? I hate those. What's worse is when nothing specific makes you upset. It just suddenly seems like everything is completely wrong...even if it's not.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just can't help be overly dramatic? It's one of those days when everything seems so hugely out of place and stupid that you can't reason logically. If you stub your toe suddenly you think you're a major klutz and feel stupid because you can't dance, which leads to not being able to dance, which makes you feel frumpy and stupid. One of those kinds of things.

Have you ever had one of those nights when you're so tired you're too tired to sleep? No matter how hard you try you just can't relax. You watch the clock tick closer to the time you need to be up. You can't call anyone because it's too late, and you can't go out and do stuff because, again, it's too late. So the only option is the computer, which is boring too because you're too tired to care about anything. So you sit on facebook and aimlessly stare at the screen hoping something will be interesting.

Have you ever sat in a messy room and wondered why you can't twitch your nose and make it all better? This is definitely the worst. Having a messy room just makes everything else incredibly annoying.

I wonder what goes on outside at this time of night. If I weren't so scared of the dark I would go out and find out.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Wa--here's your steak

So I don't understand a title line on a blog. If I could sum up my post in one short line I'm sure I wouldn't even write it. I guess I could put the date, but that seems redundant. I could just not put a title, but that seems a bit like I'm making nasty stew or something, throwing all these unlabeled posts together.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about. I wanted to post a poem on here. I wrote this at Lake Powell when I was freezing my butt off in the cubby room on the boat. I got woken up by a REALLY annoying thumping noise, so I figured I'd do something productive. So here goes:

My heart burns.
I sit alone
Cold and
Always wondering
Endlessly confused

Dreams gone bad
And with
No way out
No one to help

Nothing is wrong
And it never will be.
To infinity and beyond,
Holding on
Never letting go.

That probably seemed incredibly random, but I promise there's a pattern. =)

Children. Yikes

Some of the things kids say make me smile, So I'm going to share them with you.

"Taylor says animals are  a piece of crap..." -Spencer
"I don't remember when my birthday is. Eric, do you know when my birthday is?" -Spencer
"I eat a lot. I eat when I'm bored, and I'm ALWAYS bored." -Spencer
"I know why they call them bonk beds. It's because you bonk your head when you jump on it." -Brax

"Can I used the voice thing?" -Chan
"Yes." -Me
"Yes?" -Chan
"Yes." -Me
"No?" -Chan
"Yes!" -Me
"Yes?" -Chan
"Yes!!" -Me
"So is that a yes?" -Chan