Monday, November 29, 2010

Nathan

I just wanted to post about Nathan. =) I don't normally just post about him because I'm not really into PDA and stuff. But I just want the whole world to know that I love him. I love everything about him.

When I'm having a really hard time, he makes everything okay. He holds me when I need to be held, and makes me laugh all the time. No matter what happens he's by my side. I know that no matter where life takes us, Nathan is going to be there with me.

I don't know where I'd be without him. I feel like I can do anything with Nathan supporting me. I could fly if I wanted to. When I get stressed over school work he calms me down and reminds me that it'll all be okay.

Sometimes Nathan can't see why I love him so much, and I can never see why he would think that. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him. When he's at work after we've been at school all day I really miss him. I look forward to seeing him every morning and every evening, even if we're just doing homework together. I hope I always get to see him. I don't think I would enjoy life as much if I had to go through it all without him. =)

Friday, November 26, 2010

Seriously?

Seriously?

That's all I can think to say. "Seriously?" Seriously guys?

I'm pretty sure I'm not a replacement, and that I can't be replaced. So stop doing that. I'm happy for you, honestly. I am so happy that things worked out between you and her, but I at least deserve an apology for being treated as her temporary replacement.

I also deserve an apology for you choosing him over me. Yea, he needs friends too, but who is the one that got hurt? Who is the one that did the hurting? I'm not the only one he hurt ya know. Emy did too. Yea, she gave up on him too, so while you're off enjoying his disgusting sweet act, we're sitting here thinking "wow, some friend." I'm not going to make you choose, I'm choosing for you. You choose him. I hope you're happy.

I hope you're all happy. To be honest, KCK was a better friend. She never pretended to care. Either she did or she didn't. I doubt I'll ever understand what happened there, but at least she didn't pretend.

Seriously? Don't pretend. I'm not her replacement, and I'm not going to consider you a friend as long as you and him are all buddy buddy. It's that simple. Sorry.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Just Like Him

Follow the leader
One by one
Watch each step
Mimic each motion
Breathe in time
Blink on three
Do just as he does
Pass all the others
Act on his instincts
It'll all be over soon
Now fall just as he does
Watch the mountains fly by
Like credits at the end
Of a sad, confused, lonely life

Monday, November 22, 2010

Puppet

Dance
Spin
Sit my puppet
Talk
Cry
Scream my puppet
Sleep
Relax
Dream my dear





If that seriously wasn't the darkest thing you've ever read...goodness.

Shadows

Hush, don't speak so loud
The shadows on the wall are listening
They lay in wait for you to slip
Keep your secrets locked away
The darkness calls from all around
Pulling at the depths of your soul
They want it to come out
They want you to scream
Hush, don't speak so loud

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Forever with the Devil

Look into his eyes
They've lost their magic luster
Listen to his voice
It lingers in the wounds

Forever with the Devil
He'll twist and bind you still

Drown in her tears
You're the only one to blame
Watch as she tells God
All your dirty little secrets

Forever with the Devil
Her heart will rip with pain

Dance on your toes
Don't let your guard down
Be big, and powerful
Try to hide the shame

Forever with the Devil
Controlling your leaders...

Forever the Devil...
Forever yours...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Apology Accepted

Silence in the air
Tells me you didn't mean it
Your lack of remorse
Shows me you truly care
The recurrence of the issue
Reminds me that accidents happen
Don't bother uttering the words
I already know the end
But maybe this time you'll surprise me
And an apology will come forth

Friday, November 19, 2010

Never Forget

There's a whisper in the wind
They say it calls your name
My heart is numb with grief
And can no longer hear the sigh
Two thousand voices roar
They destroy the sweet call
My heart is numb with grief
And can no longer hear the sigh
My hands are raw and blistered
They cannot hold on anymore
There is a time to let go
A time to move forward in faith
But my heart is numb with grief
And can no longer hear the sigh
Though my eyes are dry
My world is wet with tears
I cry inside myself for you
Knowing you're gone from here
My heart is numb with grief,
But I can never forget...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

what they can never have

They're waiting
Waiting for you
They want you
Want you to fall

They're listening
Listening for cries
They're hoping
Hoping you fail

Make no mistake
Don't look down
Stare into their eyes
Burn into them fear.

Make them
Make them fear you
Sear their hearts
With the dreams of your own

Change them
Change their eyes
Replace them
Replace them with yours

Teach them to listen
Help them to crave
Make them want
What they can never have.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

'Tis the Season

Well the festive season is beginning, and we all know what that means. FOOD! and SHOPPING! Everyone knows what those bring. WEIGHT! and PEOPLE WATCHING!

In honor of all the people watching, I'm going to try to post pictures of the shopping season when I go out. Interesting people, awesome people...scary people...SANTA! =)

I just delivered fliers to the professors about a weight challenge the school is sponsoring. Normally I'm not into that kind of thing, but this involves money. The idea is to not gain more than two pounds during this fattening season. If you can keep your weight the same you are entered to win MONEY! (well gift cards). I read that and thought "Hey! This will be easy!" but then I realized that as soon as I try to not gain weight I'll gain weight. Which creates a win win for me either way. I either gain the weight I need or I get entered to win MONEY! HECK YES BABY! =) This will be a cinch.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Mmm

That was a pouty "mmm" in case you were wondering. The sound of being frustrated. FRUSTRATED AT JERK FACES! okay, maybe that's an over statement... I'm just really frustrated. I'm frustrated at "friends" or old friends or whatever you wanna call them. I definitely wish I could just stop being so nice to everyone. I just can't handle being mean for so long, or so indifferent. I don't want to give them any reason to be rude to me, so I try really hard to just play it nice. I say hi, ask them how they are. Give them a hug. Smile politely. Laugh at their jokes. Tell them to have fun at school and what not. Then they just go around being rude. It's driving me up a wall! They're impolite, they're snotty, they're just...frustrating.

Seriously, I don't hate them. Any of them. I never have. I was hurt before so I got mad. But I never hated them. I promise. And I didn't get mad for no reason. They treated me pretty badly. Now We're all grown up though. We're past that. right? wrong...we aren't. We aren't past that because they still think they're better than me. They still think that hanging out with me is a sin. They think that just because I was raised differently than them they have the advantage. They have two parents, yet they never learned any manners. They're involved with BYU, which is like a free ticket to Heaven, right? No wait... IT'S NOT! It's not any different than going to the U or to UVU or to USU, or even USC! It's just a college! It's someplace to learn. They don't have any sort of advantage over me. We're all just going through life.

I imagine going through life being like a hiking trip. I imagine we're all going the same direction, so we might as well hold on to each other and sing songs or something. We might as well share our granola and berries. Take pictures. Etc. I know for sure that if we were hiking in real life, and someone who was nice to me tripped and slipped off a cliff, I'd reach out to grab them. I wouldn't let them fall. I'd know they were going to come to that cliff because I'd be with them. But I know that if someone was rude to me, I wouldn't hike near them. I wouldn't be there for them when they fell and slipped off a cliff. And what if I was the designated rope carrier? Then they'd be in big trouble, wouldn't they? I know that they people who are nice to me, my true friends will have at least my hand to hold when it gets rough. I know that the people right around me won't fall off a cliff if I can help it. Those other people, the ones at the front of the line that think they're so much better than everyone because they have a BYU shirt on, won't have my hand to hold. I hope they have someone's, but it sure as heck won't be mine.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Should I?

I'm not sure I should post this, but I'm going to. I'm kinda miffed. I honestly don't like people who aren't true friends. I don't like people who say one thing in person or private then another to everyone else. Especially when it comes to friendship. If you're a friend in private then be a friend in public.

On the topic of friends, I really hope that I can stay friends with the people in my acting class for a while. I really enjoy talking to all of them. They make acting fun! Seriously! Oddly enough they feel more like friends than most of the people I've known for years. Is that wrong?

Back to my original topic here. When you say you're a friend to me, then I kinda expect to be called a friend publicly. When people you've only known for a few months become friends publicly instead of me, I kinda get miffed. Does that make sense? So say I've known you for a while, and you say to me "I really like hanging out with you." then someone asks you to list your friends and I'm not on it...what's that about? How about next time you just don't call me to hang out... Yea, if you don't want to openly be my friend, or you don't want to have to remember me, next time call those other friends.

What's that? Those other friends aren't really your friends anymore? TOUGH LUCK!

Cleaning

I got my laptop two years ago. I've cleaned the screen hundreds of times, but I haven't cleaned the rest of it. Sure, I've wiped it off, but I haven't ever cleaned it out. Nathan cleaned it out for me. I have never seen such large dust bunnies. I'm not even kidding. The fan looked like grand central station for dust bunnies. I was thinking, It's a good thing dust bunnies aren't carnivorous. They'd have swallowed Nathan and me whole... It was ridiculous! But my laptop is now clean. I can't breathe, but it can! =)

November 10

I am ridiculously behind on my thankful things. So I'm just going to give up on those. See my facebook page if you want to know what I'm thankful for each day.

Instead I'm just going to go back to writing normal random posts, because I am normal and random. No matter how hard I try I can't stick to a perfect little schedule of things. I can barely do it for school, let alone every day living. I like to do things my way, without telling anyone what I'm doing until I'm almost done. It gets hard to do that when I have Nathan, so I do tell him everything as it's going on...

I'm totally rambling. Haha, sorry. I'm just ridiculously tired. Yesterday was crazy stressful at work and then with my movie editing. Now I gotta make another video...ugh!! I HATE EDITING. I'D RATHER BE BOOM OPERATOR! OR THE PERSON THAT SWEEPS UP EVERY NIGHT!

Anyway, Love you! Adios

Friday, November 5, 2010

November 5

Today I'm thankful for a home. It's a crowded home, but it's home, and I love it. I love being able to snuggle into my own bed at night, knowing I'll be safe and warm all night. I don't think I could be homeless, I wouldn't make it, so I'm glad I get to live with my grandma and my family. One day I'll make my own home, but for now I'm really glad I have this home.

November 4

On November 4, I was thankful for my job. Yesterday at work sorta sucked, but I'm still glad I'm getting paid. I love getting paid. I think it's the coolest thing since sliced bread. I seriously cannot wait to get my own car!

November 3

Today I am thankful for the chance to vote. Which I did on November 2. Gosh I'm behind.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

November 2

Today I'm thankful for my family. I'm glad God decided to send us to a group of people when He sent us to Earth. Can you imagine just being poofed down here all alone? With family we have automatic friends, people who care about us. Every family has a different way of doing things, and I like how my family does it. I'm sure there are a lot of great families out there, but I love mine. I love how the kids fight and then act like nothing happened, or how they draw me pictures to make me smile every day. I love it when Chandler calls me fifty times a day just to see if I'm coming home anytime soon (but don't tell him that). I love my sisters and how great they're doing these days! I love my grandma, and I'm so happy I have her. I love all my siblings that don't live with me. I love my mom and my dad who are both trying to be a part of my life now. I love it all. I wouldn't have it any other way. =)

Monday, November 1, 2010

November

The month of Thanksgiving. Each day I'm going to list something I'm thankful for. I might even write a short paragraph about it.

November 1,

Today I am thankful for the chance to go to college and learn about something I love. It gets hard sometimes, but if it wasn't hard then I wouldn't  be learning anything. There are some people who don't ever get the chance to go to school, let alone college. I don't understand how people can slack off so much with such a privilege. I wouldn't trade this chance for anything, ever! I worked hard to get here, and I'm glad I get to be here. I'm glad I get to sit in classrooms all day long, listening to things that don't make any sense, so that one day I can do what I love.