Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Raise your hand if you believe in Santa Claus. It's okay if you do. I won't tell anyone. Do you believe in the Easter Bunny? How about the Tooth Fairy? If you don't believe anymore, do you remember believing? Children that believe in Santa Claus act like they believe in Santa Claus. After Thanksgiving, kids start to be on their best behavior because they want Santa to bring them gifts. The kids at my house go to bed a bit earlier so the Easter Bunny can come hid the eggs and baskets. Every child faithfully puts their lost teeth under their pillow and wait for the Tooth Fairy to pay out.

Do you believe in love? You believe in the magic that is love, don't you? If you didn't, you'd act differently. Think about how your life would be if you didn't believe in love. Would you be as happy? Would you be as sweet to people? Would you smile when you saw a friend? How about marriage? Where would that end up in your life?

When you believe in something, you act accordingly. Believing that the boogy man lives under your bed causes you to leap on and off your bed at night so he can't grab you. Believing that Santa brings toys for good kids causes you to be nice throughout the month of December. Believing in Christ...what about that? A Christian is someone who believes in Christ, right?

When I was in school, I found something really neat. Ready for it? My teacher would have some girls stand up in the room and he would say "Everyone standing in this room is a girl, but not all of the girls are standing." This concept has never ceased to blow my mind. Why? I don't know. I just find it really neat.

All Christians are good people, but not all good people are Christian.

Calm down, I'm not done yet. I know that not all Christians truly are good people. Why? Because not everyone who claims to be a Christian is a Christian. I am not a perfect Christian, but I know how to be, for the most part. I know how to be a good Latter-day Saint Christian. There are a lot of people, though, that don't. And these people that don't, and don't care to find out, are not really Christians, are they?

Believing in something causes you to act accordingly. To truly believe in Christ would mean to act that way. If you believed in Him, you'd believe that he was perfect. You'd believe that he was a perfect example of how we all should live. You'd believe he lived and died for you. You'd believe that He loves you and wants to help you. So, you'd try to be like him. You would follow those rules and guidelines that He set out for you. You'd try to be perfect by loving like He did. You'd help those who need help. When you made a mistake, you'd "repent" because He asked you to.

There are a lot of people in this world, especially in this little area of Utah, that call themselves Christians. They go out there, beat someone down, and then announce that they're Christian. Last time I checked, Christ wasn't out hurting people. It's like claiming you believe monsters live in your closet and then hanging out in there when no one is looking. It sounds silly, but it's true. So many people just tear other people down and then claim that the biggest example in their life is Christ. It makes me wonder if Christ had an evil twin or something... with the same name.

If you don't believe in Christ, that's fine. You don't have to. It's your decision. But you can still probably see the point here. A lot of people think that because they call themselves Christian, they can do what they please. They think that believing in Christ makes you all knowing and all powerful. I believe that you can gain power from knowing and sticking with what you believe. I think that if you believe in Christ and act on it in the right way, you will have a certain power that only comes from believing in something.

Everybody makes mistakes, right? I mean, heck, I made one today by not picking my outfit out earlier! I make mistakes every single day. So many Christians believe that there is one way, and one way only, to live. "Christians" will look down upon you for saying a bad word once in a while. "Christians" will tell you how to feel, when to feel and what to feel. If they perceive you as different from themselves, then you are the one at fault. "Christians" are perfect. They watch a person fall and think "if they hadn't done that, then they wouldn't be where they are now. That sucks for them!" "Christians" never truly care about anyone but themselves.

A true Christian would shrug it off when someone swears at them. They would understand that people believe differently and act differently, and that it's okay. A Christian would listen to you state your feelings, and then comfort you, cheer for you, congratulate you, or simply reach out their hand to hold you. They would know that everyone on this planet is human and that everyone has had different experiences that set them apart in many ways. Christians would see someone fall and help them up, no matter the reason for the fall. They wouldn't judge you based on your background. They wouldn't try to convert you by constantly nagging you for your mistakes. They wouldn't address your mistakes, because they know that that isn't their place in life. Christians care more about other than they do themselves.

I'm not a perfect Christian. And I don't claim to be. I just wish people would stop giving us a bad name. Christians aren't supposed to be self-righteous little stinkers who run around condemning people for using the "S" word once in a while. You know the type of people I'm talking about. In fact, I bet you know at least five "Christians!" I'd start pointing them out, but this post would get really long, really fast.

Christians are good people. "Christians" are the kind of people that don't like me because of other people's mistakes in life. There are a lot of people in this world that aren't Christian that act a lot more Christian than actual Christians do. These people are the ones that give respect. They help people when there's a need for it, they don't exclude you because you like rap music or because you prefer a different type of drink.

Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

pssst...these boys are not cars...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Little Ms. Perfect

Remember how I told you that I'm not perfect? It's still true. I'm still not perfect. Unfortunately, I still get sick a lot, and I still stay up late. I still get angry at people and I still forget to make my bed in the morning. I'm too lazy to get dressed until the last minute, and I rarely ever remind Nathan to do his laundry. I can't wake up in time to make 6:45 call times. But despite the fact that I'm not perfect, I can still see where the imperfections are.

I can tell you that I did tell Rachel she was being a sucky friend. I shouldn't have said that, but that's how I felt at the time, so that's what came out. I have told her to stop trying to be my friend because I wanted her to feel bad for trying to ruin my project. I didn't apologize for either of those times. I ought to say sorry and tell her I was being a brat, but I don't want to. I'm not the best friend in the world, and I know that. I KNOW that. I know that I did walk away from her at the dance. I know I didn't say a word to her in California even though we were sharing a bed. I know that I purposely ignore her at church. But I don't feel bad. Why don't I feel bad? Because she doesn't realize what mistakes she's made.

I recently asked Rachel to explain to me how she feels. The first line really pissed me off. She said that she was mad at me because it's taken me three years to ask about her feelings. I could have easily resent all those emails from three years ago that asked her about her feelings...the emails she never ever responded to. She then went on to blame everything on me. That's totally understandable. People do that, right? We blame everything on someone else because it makes us feel better. She blamed the Disneyland situation on me and my hurt feelings. She said, and I quote "When you were in the hallway crying, we were in the room bawling our eyes out because we felt so bad. We wanted to text you but we didn't know your phone number." I have come to realize that walking three steps out of the hotel room you're in is actually really difficult. I believe you have to pass a troll that will take your first born child, or something like that. Really Rachel!? You couldn't come out in the hall and say "Hey, look, I made a mistake, and I'm sorry."? Me expressing my feelings, in the hallway, to my boyfriend, not a mistake. You not sucking it up and apologizing, a big mistake.

Also in the email, she talked about how she cried at the senior dinner dance because I just left without telling anyone. Huh...maybe if she had listened to me, she would have heard "Rachel, you keep leaving to hang out with your other friends who don't like me. That's cool, but I'd rather be home if this is how it's gonna be." Because I did give her warning. She walked off in the middle of our conversation at dinner. And during the entire conversation, she was totally spacing it and kept looking at her choir friends. Which brings me to another point. Her friends. I love the fact that she has friends. That's really awesome! I love how she can relate to them and they love to be with her! I never once said anything rude about her friends, I never put them down. I smile at them, I waved. I laughed at their not-so-funny jokes. I congratulated them when they did something amazing. I supported their choir. Yet, they still didn't ever include me. During lunch, they hated it when I came in to eat with them and Rachel. But she didn't care. She never said anything to them about it. At the Dinner Dance, her friends refused to let me sit their with my best friend because I wasn't part of the choir. So I sat with other people. I still haven't said a single thing to Rachel about disliking her friends. Yet, she has this crazy idea that I'm mad at her for having friends. I'm mad at her for not being the type of friend who can stand up to a group of friends for her best friend. In Jr. High, when I was making friends and going to their houses, I always asked "Hey, can I bring Rachel?" If they said yes, then I made it a point to bring her along to meet everyone. If they said no, then I wouldn't go either. I wasn't about to leave her out. The best part is, if I never stood up for her like I did, she wouldn't have met Peter...who she believes she's going to marry...

I've explained all of this to Rachel, but it does no good whatsoever. Someone has planted this idea in her head that I want her to change who she is. I'm 100% positive that I never have said that to anyone. I never ask anyone to change. You are who you are. If you want to change, then do it! If not, then don't! I don't care! Rachel seems to think that all I do is tell her to change who she is. Even if I talked to her calmly and said "Rachel, I have an explanation for every action I have ever taken. All these things you blame me for...I refuse to apologize for. Even though, I know I shouldn't have been so mad at you." she would still think that I thought I'm too cool for life. That's the attitude she has towards anything I do. She acts as though me having hurt feelings makes me some kind of spoiled brat. Which is funny, because she's the one who doesn't have to work for her $$, she's the one who has a car that her parents gave her, so she doesn't have to buy the insurance or the new tires, she's the one who has her own room and goes on vacation every year. I'm not sure she understands that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Oh yea, Brandy. So clearly, I post a lot about how I feel. Which is logical. I have feelings, I can share them in whatever way I please, so long as I don't violate people. I'm not going to go kill anyone, nor will I physically hurt them. Heck, I'm not out to even emotionally hurt them! But Brandy seems to think differently. She believes that I should keep all of my feelings inside because all I do is hurt people. Let me see, did I specifically say "Brandy is a loser who will never be married because she's too dang self-righteous!"? I'm positive I didn't. As much as I may want to say that to her face, I won't. If I'm remembering the rude things she's done to me, and that hurts her feelings, then clearly that's a problem on her end. She says it makes them all feel bad. Oh darn. Their own actions make them feel bad...what a terrible world we live in!!

Seriously though. I know that I've been rude to them when I've felt hurt. I know that I should apologize. I don't plan on apologizing though. Not until they realize that their perfect little lives are really just huge lies and hypocritical actions. The day they actually have to pay for stuff is gonna be the best day of my life. The day they need something and I'm prepared and they aren't? well that sucks for them! The day they turn 20 and their parents are like "You need to start paying rent" will make me laugh. I should be more sympathetic, but I don't want to be. I know that it's an imperfection, and I don't care! I have feelings and I want to share them.  I did things to help my friends only to be pushed down in the end. So what? I'm hurt inside from it, but I'm getting over it. At the end of Rachel's email, she says "Thanks for wanting to listen." So I simply replied "You're welcome" because I don't give a crap about if she thinks I'm messed up and rude. I can be as rude and as angry and as hurt as I want, because they get to be as ignorant and arrogant and selfish as they want! It's a win, win, right? I think so.

Sorry this post was long. I just had to get that out there. I don't put up with people's crap. If you're going to be rude, then you're not going to be part of my life. If you plan on living like the sun revolves around you, then you'll be one heck of a lonely celestial body. I don't care how you live your life, or who you hang out with, I just care that you respect me enough to say "hey, I'm sorry." If you can't even do that, then you are not worth my time.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Moving Target

Unless you're hunting, targets are generally stationary, right? The classic target is round, with red and white circles, right?


I happen to be round, with red and white circles, right?


If you can't tell the difference, the target is the one on the top, the one on the bottom is me.

I'm pointing this out because some people seem to have this idea in their head that I am a target. I am Mormon. I'm not ashamed of it, it's a lifestyle choice. I'm not the type of Mormon who will hate you for drinking, I won't judge you because you have tattoos; I don't care if you swear or sleep around. Your life is your choice. My life is my choice. That's chill, right?

Being Mormon and living in THE place where Mormons happen to be the majority, you would think that people here are used to Mormon girls. At work, there are probably a million BYU students. That's your typical Mormon, right? Yet, I'm the only one who gets flack for it.

I've never been like really picked on for it, just teased casually. It happens a lot. I live with a million Mormons, so I get teased for being Mormon. I go to school with a ton of filmmakers, so I get questioned about it. I dress modestly, like all the other girls I chill with, but I get the funny looks. It's like someone tattooed a huge target on my face that I can't see.

It doesn't bother me, it just confuses me. I don't care if someone wants to crack jokes about prayers, or if someone wants my entire list of favorite films and why. I don't care that some one thinks I'm weird for covering up. It's fine. It doesn't hurt. I just don't understand why I'm the target. There are so many more people who are much more Mormon than I am. There are a ton of people who dress like their closet puked on them. There are millions of filmmakers in the world...so why me?

People can keep teasing me, but when they start to seriously hurt me, I'll speak up, don't worry. No one has teased me to the point of doing damage, if they do, they'll regret it. =)

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's the end of the world as we know it!

In case you didn't know it, the world ends tomorrow. As a Mormon, I know that I've been condemned to hell by the rest of the world. That's okay, I can handle that.

I'm glad I'm Mormon. It means I won't be "saved" tomorrow and taken to Heaven. Imagine if I were
"saved" tomorrow, I'd miss out on a  lot of super awesome things. Imagine going to Heaven and having never accomplished your life goal...that would just suck! I've never made a feature length film, so I'd go stir crazy. I'd also not get to see the last HP film... I'd never get to see Captain America or the Avengers. I wouldn't get to marry Nathan. I wouldn't get to graduate from UVU. I wouldn't even pay off my car. I wouldn't get to go to Mexico! There are so many things that I'd miss out on! I'm pretty glad I'm Mormon, just so I can watch HP this summer!


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Fun fact

At work, we just finished training. YIPEE! But before we got released into the wild, we had to sit through lesson after lesson after lesson on how to work the programs. Every time a new person came in to teach us, we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves with our name and a random fact. When put on the spot, I couldn't think of any random facts. But now I can, so here is my list of random facts about me:

1. My favorite color is red.
2. I love hamburgers and I love eating them with Nathan.
3. I'm lactose intolerant.
4. I  have a traumatizing fear of Earthquakes.
5. If given the choice, I will most likely choose frozen peas over chocolate.
6. I may be slightly colorblind.
7. Once, when I was six, I broke my arm in three places at the same time. Not fun.
8. I don't care about Jimmer Fredette.
9. My favorite movies are the HP series, Sherlock Holmes, and Iron Man. But I love any action films.
10. When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be a construction worker. But before that, my dream was to be a giraffe...
11. I speak Spanish.
12. I suck at making pancakes (and yet, the kids still beg me to make them).
13. I am madly in love with Nathan William Bryant.
14. Despite popular belief, I'm not good at everything I do. Grandma just makes you think that.
15. I graduated high school with my AS degree.
16. I love to get the mail when I'm home. It really excites me.
17. My favorite part of summer is the Orem Summerfest. I wouldn't miss it for the world!
18. I love boating.
19. Makenzie is my favorite subject for photos.
20. I love eating pasta. I also love anything Nathan cooks (he's super amazing at cooking).

That's all for now. =) Adios!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

cram time

Okay guys, the clock is ticking down. I only have six months to pop out a screenplay... It's CRAM TIME.

I tend to be quite the procrastinator, not as bad as some of you, but still pretty bad. I've been crazy busy with school and now work, but I gotta get crackin' on this. I have six months to write, re-write and polish and feature length screenplay. This screenplay will be entered in the LDS film festival for 2012. (go ahead, make your anti-mormon remarks, I can take it.) This screenplay will then be read through and hopefully selected to be given to a producer (or rather, a bunch of them) to be made into a film. So let's see how this turns out.

Six months. 80 pages. BRING IT!

on a super exciting note, I just found out my friends, Chris and Marie are having a baby! Woot! I'm super stoked for them!

Unplanned Parenthood

I bet I just scared the heck out of you. No, I am not pregnant. =)

It has, however, been brought to my attention that I appear perfect. All I have to say is, I am not. I am 100% not perfect, just like everyone else on this planet. I am no more perfect than the girls that pick on me, or the person that told everyone I was pregnant. I am not more perfect than my mom, or my sisters, or my nieces and nephews. I am just as human and make just as many mistakes as everyone else.

With that said, lets move on.

For whatever reason, you were born here. You are on this planet. You are walking, talking and breathing like everyone else. (I apologize to any lame and/or dumb people who are ventilators out there...) At some point or another, two people decided to create you. They got together and ya know...made you! You were born about nine months later. Some of you were planned, some of you were not. I live in a house full of unplanned children. Somehow, I think I was unplanned, but hey, I'm here!

My niece was unplanned. She was actually created because some sick and perverted boy took advantage of a young girl. My niece is seven years younger than me. Her mom is not currently in the picture, and probably won't be for a while... Unfortunately, that leaves Mak alone.

Let's talk about Mak for a second. Mak is currently in that ridiculous stage called "pre-teen." She thinks everything is unfair. She demands privacy which only gets her into trouble. In her eyes, everyone is perfect and she, herself, is worthless. Last night, she ran away.

She was being a pill, and throwing a fit. It was over her cell phone. I was attempting to confiscate it, but she was not having any part of it. After an hour of screaming, she ran away. An hour later, she came home, but not after us searching everywhere and calling everyone. She stormed downstairs and locked herself in our room. I had to get in to put my stuff away, and after much begging, she let me in. When I got in there, she burst into tears and crumpled in my arms. Her reason for running away is because she felt stupid. She felt like everyone expects her to be perfect.

In her mind, Mak is letting everyone down by not being perfect. She thinks that I never ever do anything wrong. She thinks that Chan doesn't do anything wrong, or Brax, or Grandma, or Ash, or her friends. She can't handle it.

When she first took off, I was frustrated, but I knew she would come back eventually. After an hour, when she didn't come back I got really worried. She didn't have shoes or a jacket and it was freezing outside. So I went searching for her. I tried calling her cell phone but it went straight to the voicemail. I got really really worried. She finally made it back home. I was so frustrated that she would do that, but I didn't say anything because she isn't old enough to understand. I got even more mad when I couldn't get into my room... But as soon as she crumpled up in my arms, I didn't feel angry.

I was sad that I couldn't change her mind about how wonderful she is. I was worried because I have no idea how to be a mom to a 12 year old... I was concerned that I'd screw it up and make her life even more confused and broken.

My sisters unplanned parenthood turned into my unplanned parenthood. I have no bloody idea how to be a mom! I don't know if I'm doing it right, or if I'm making mistake after mistake. It's hard! It's the hardest thing ever! I love Makenzie to death, and I want to be there for her...but am I doing it right? Makenzie is way too old to be my daughter and we're more like sisters, but right now she needs a mom...can I possibly do enough to fill that role while she needs it?

someday she will know how beautiful she is. I hope it's sooner rather than later. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Two Individuals. Hah. hah. Hah.

I was just thinking about this today. How bizarre is it to love someone? I mean really. So here you are, wandering around. One single individual.

You're you. You're one person. You're an entire being contained in one package. one. I am Morgan Mikel. I was born as one person. (At least I'm pretty sure of that.) I was born as one person, separate from anyone, or anything, else. God made me this way. Evolution put me here. What have you. I am Morgan. I am here.
 Not only was I born as one, single individual, Nathan was, too. God created him as one person. Evolution threw his genes together. (Ceiling cat allowed him to live?) Nathan is Nathan. He has likes and dislikes. He has favorites and even more favorites. He has good days and bad days. He is Nathan. he is separate from me. He is separate from you. He is Nathan.
But here we are, being single people and BAM! we are together. It's not that people were created to be together. (maybe they were, but I don't think so...) People were created as individuals. We are animals just like tigers, and lions, and bears (oh my!). Lions, tigers, bears, dogs, cats, llamas, hippos, rhinos, etc. are all created just to create more lions, tigers, bears, dogs, cats, llamas, hippos, rhinos, etc. They mate to make more to mate to make more to mate to make more, etc. So what are we doing? What makes us be together. What makes us go from individuals wandering around to individuals having a purpose and desire?

I bet there is some super high-tech, scientific explanation for it, but I have no idea what it is. It's magical either way. I can get along with a lot of people, if I choose to. I can sit in a room full of people who have nothing in common with me and I can have a good time. I could sit in a room full of people who love everything I do, and hate everything I do, and I could choose to not get along with them. It's all choice.

So what makes us, as humans, want to compromise and sacrifice and mold ourselves just to be with someone else? Someone else who has to bend, mold, and sacrifice for us. Why don't we just go around and mate to create kids who will make kids of their own, etc?

Someone once told me that a lot of women grow up thinking that someday they will be whole when they meet the perfect man. I think that's just an excuse to be whiny and have problems. I don't see why God would create someone "not whole." And if you believe in evolution, then there is no way that you are not whole. Your DNA isn't going to click into place when some dashing man sweeps in and dazzles you. Your weaknesses and fears won't all vanish once that "perfect someone" falls into your lap. It just doesn't make sense. If God were to create you as half a person, then you couldn't honestly believe that He loves you, could you? Why would He make you dependent on someone or something other than yourself and Him? It makes no sense whatsoever to believe that you are less than whole.

I am Morgan. I choose to fit my life to fit Nathan's. I love doing it. =) I love how we can go along being individuals, making our own choices, chilling on our own, then one day we decide to fit together. How magical is that? I could have chosen anyone at random. I could have walked up to some person and convinced them to mold to me...er...maybe. It's all choice. But I chose Nathan. Nathan chose me. Your dad chose your mom (at least temporarily for those of you who come from "non-traditional" families). Adam chose Eve (yes, he did have a choice: Eve or death...). I am still Morgan. I am still the same girl that I was before I met Nathan. Nathan is still Nathan. As far as I can tell, he is the same now as he was before me.

Love probably has a scientific explanation. It's probably a brain function that my brain cannot comprehend without a very detailed drawing. It could be a chemical reaction in our blood that our ESP can pick up. It could be pure magic and come from pixie dust that cupid sprinkles on us in our sleep. It could be any number of things, but it doesn't matter. It's simply amazing that two, entirely whole, single, individuals can be born separate and end together. Like PB&J...but better.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


I have a problem. It's not that big of a problem, though, so don't worry. I just have this really bad habit of being hard on myself. I don't think that I'm hard on myself, but everyone else around me tells me I am.

This past spring, I took 18 credits of classes. I passed all of them. I could have done better in some classes, but I passed. This fall, I'm taking just 12 credits. I asked my grandma if I should throw one or two more classes onto that. She told me to take it easy and spread it out. The thing is, I don't feel like I'm pushing myself if I'm practically moseying through my education. The classes I'm taking won't be a walk in the park. They're ones that require a lot of time, but I still feel like I need to be pushed more. So I'll probably be working full time as well as going to school full time.

At work, we started to have to talk on the phones. It is the single most frightening thing I have ever done. I am not a call center type of person. I am a hands on type of person. I'm also very business oriented, meaning I get straight to the point. We aren't supposed to do that. We're supposed to build relationships with the customers. Yesterday I took a really long call. It ended up being half an hour because I had to help an older man program a keyfob. (That requires a lot of button pushing on his part.) I had to remember to slow it down and take my time and chat on occasion. When the call was done, this guy was super happy with how I helped him. He thanked me a lot, told me I should get a raise and then told me he planned on calling my supervisor to tell her how great I did! I got off the phone and Kevin (the guy I was sitting with) told me that I did amazing! I told him I did terrible and I have a lot to work on. He gave me a weird look and told me to relax because it all comes with experience. I hate waiting.

Honestly, I don't think I'm too hard on myself. I know where my limits are, and I haven't reached them. Sometimes I reach them, but then the limits expand and I have to push harder to reach them.

I'm like that everyday. I don't see the point in doing something if it doesn't challenge me or make me better. This causes a lot of problems. This problem of "being too hard" on myself isn't really the problem. The problem is how it affects me.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm clinging to food because I'm trying to rip it away from myself. Does that even make sense? In simpler terms, I feel like I border on anorexia. I know that if I had a gym pass I'd be there every single day pushing myself way too hard. I always feel this need to control things, so when I step on a scale, I feel this huge desire make that number change. I know I can never make that number go up. I tried that. It just doesn't happen. But I've never tried making the number go down. I know that if I let myself try that, I'll probably end up killing myself.

When it comes to food, I don't count calories. I hate math. If I can avoid it, I will. I don't count grams or sugar content or anything like that. I just eat. I eat when I'm hungry, I don't when I'm not. It's a pretty sound diet. Lately, though, I've been maturing (or whatever). I'm in that phase where my body starts growing more boobs and more hips... it's really annoying. It's making me feel really fat. I know I'm not fat. I can read scales just fine, and they all say "Morgan, you are underweight, please feel free to step off of me and grab six big macs." I have to pin some of my shirts because they're too wide on my tummy, and even when I double them back, they're too big. I know  I am not fat. I know that my spine has that weird problem where it sticks out, showing just how not fat I am. But I still look in the mirror, I feel fat. I honest to goodness do. My mind blows everything out of proportion. It bends things and twists things.

I don't know if you've ever sat through a lesson on anorexia. I have...many times. The speaker will usually talk about how people with anorexia have a mind problem. It all stems from their imagination. Their mind tells them that they're fat. Even when they're on the verge of death and could be mistake for the world's tallest toothpick. I never ever understood that. I was like "What?! Minds don't do that kind of crap!" But now...I know they do. I frequently cry to Nathan about how fat I feel, and I really can't handle it. My mind twists things and bends them to make me feel HUGE! I know I'm not... I know that having to pin your shirt back means you aren't fat. I know that "fat" is just a term that people use. I know that I don't belong in that category...

I wonder, though, if I belong in the category "anorexic." Someone once told me that if I can feel the problem before it begins, then I don't have a problem. But I feel this problem coming on really strongly. I know that if I don't watch myself 24/7, I'll probably go too far and that would be a really tragic story. I know that my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm fat and that I need to lose weight. What I don't know is if I really have a problem or if I'm imagining it all. I don't know if really am bordering on anorexic or if I'm a really extreme hypochondriac. What I want to think is that I'm a hypochondriac. Unfortunately, I don't think that's the case. I think I do have a problem, and I think that if I don't get over it soon, I'm screwed...

My name is Morgan Mikel, and I don't want to be Anna...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Some Items of Business

Hi there! I'm still alive. It's been a few days since I've been on here. I've been busy. I kept meaning to post, but I just got so wrapped up in stuff. Sorry. I'm here though, don't worry. =)

Since I've been gone for sooooo long (six days isn't that long, but it feels longer), there are a few items I should cover. First off, I got a job. I now work for Vivint. tech support. I've only been training for three days, but it feels like so much longer. I'll be working here full time so I can save money for life after summertime. Next summer I'm going to really push for L.A. with Disney, so I'll need some money for that, just so I'm prepared. The job has been awesome so far. It's the first time that I can actually use my Spanish practically. I have never used it in a real situation, but now I get to daily! Yipee! (That was half sarcastic and half sincere.) Due to such a large change in my life, I will be posting a lot about co-workers. I'll try to not use their names, but ya know...somethings just can't be changed.

Secondly, there are a few things I don't understand. The first thing is how people can be so immature. I don't understand how someone can honestly be too immature to even interact as an adult. We're both nineteen, almost twenty. Right? We all graduated over a year ago. We all go to school as ADULTS. I really don't understand where the problem stems from? Is it because you think life was better in high school? Do you think that if you avoid the problem that the problem doesn't exist? Is it easier to deny than to accept responsibility? or do you just think that you're too good for the world? It doesn't offend me when you stick your nose in the air, but it really pisses me off when you act like a brat to me and then tell everyone that I make you a victim. So please, at least grow enough of a backbone to understand that me not talking to you is your own fault.

The second thing of the second item of business is sort of related to the first. BYU. Let's ponder BYU for a moment. What comes to your mind when you think of BYU? If you go to BYU, you are going to find this next paragraph sort of insulting, so feel free to skip ahead, or just leave now. When I think of BYU, I think of marriage. Not in a good way, either. I picture young girls signing their life away to some guy who happened to sweep them off their feet. I don't picture people being truly happy in those marriages. I'm sure that some of the people are happily married, and that they will be for a long time, but I think a lot of people jump on that bandwagon WAY too early. Another thing I think of when I think of BYU is amish people. I know Mormons are not amish (if they are, then I have no clue what religion I am a part of, because I am NOT amish), I just feel like BYU students are amish! It's that honor code. I don't know the details of the honor code, but I just feel like it's patronizing. I don't understand why they need a rule that says men cannot have facial hair. What do they think will happen? I don't think some dude is going to hide a gun in his mustache and whip it out in class and kill people. I feel like they do it so people don't confuse some bearded stranger for Jesus. I just really feel like BYU doesn't trust it's students, so they are forced to follow rules like kindergarteners. Actually, I think my six year-old nephew has less rules at school... and he does just fine!

I brought that up because, in church, during third hour, the lady teaching kept emphasizing the importance of going to BYU. No matter what anyone else said, she stood firm on her belief that going to BYU Idaho was a better school than the U. It was extremely annoying. You understand why.

Thirdly...wait... I forgot what the third item was... snap. Oh yea! Thirdly, when people say "thank you" it's nice. It's awesome that they notice you doing something, but sometimes it gets annoying. Saying thank you when I hold the elevator, that's cool. Saying thank you when I pick up the book you dropped, that's great. Saying thank you after I made dinner, awesome! Saying thank you for doing something that I do all the time, not quite so cool. Let me explain. Makenzie's mom (my sister), Jentry is not currently in the picture, and that's okay. It's extremely sad, but it's life and life goes on. Makenzie does have a lot of times in her life when she needs a parent to sign forms or go to meetings to gather information. Normally, Grandma would do that, but Grandma has been extremely sick lately. I do it. I don't mind doing it. I love being there for her. Yes, I do have to give up a lot of activities with my friends, but that's okay. Parents have to do that sometimes. Tonight, I got off work at 7 and there was an important parents' meeting at 7 for girls' camp. Last week I was invited to go to a film industry speaker thing. It sounded super cool and I was going to go, but Makenzie needed me more. It was not a problem at all. Giving up my time for Makenzie is never ever a problem. She needs attention. I was once in her shoes, and I know how frustrating it can be to know everyone's mom is going to be there, and no one will be there for you. I know how badly it hurts to stand there alone and know that no one is there for you specifically. Grandma was there for me when I needed her. I will be there for Makenzie. It is never a hassle. It is never a great sacrifice. Thank you for noticing that I care about my niece, but really, to thank me as if I wouldn't come unless someone held a gun to my head? I don't need it. I just need you to remember that I'm there as a parent, and to treat me as such. I am a lot younger than you considering I'm seven years older than the child I'm representing, but that doesn't mean you need to treat me as a child. Thank you for appreciating my support of my niece, but maybe it would be a lot less awkward if you talked to me like you would any other mother at these things. I can do just as much as you can, and there is no parenting technique that you know of that I cannot do. So you don't need to act like I'm Christ healing your deafness.

I think that's it for today. There are other things I want to talk about, but they can't be mashed into single paragraphs. So when I get time later, I'll post some more. Right now it's SNUGGLE TIME! ;)

Friday, May 6, 2011

seis de mayo

Yesterday turned out a million times cooler than I imagined.

  • I found out that I got the job I applied for. So I'm not stressed about having to make car payments anymore

  • Nathan and I got to spend ALL day together! WOOT!

  • I got the picture from the print shop and I took it to the frame shop! 


That's what I'm doing today, ICE CREAM!!! with NATHAN! I can't even tell you how stoked I am for that. AH! It's going to be super awesome!!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Cinco De Mayo

In a very unfortunate accident... my time machine was wrecked. It wasn't covered by insurance because it cost too much... *Sigh* so we'll need to just talk instead of travel. I'm sorry...

Today is el Cinco de Mayo. No, I don't actually remember where the holiday originated. I know, after learning about it for 12 years, you would think that I'd know this by heart. All I know is my short history with this fiesta-day.That's what I want to talk to you about, so sit tight and enjoy your nachos.

2007: I tried Desnudo. It's a soup that is supposedly traditional in some Spanish speaking nation. I have no idea why we were trying it, or who brought it, but I do know that I got extra credit for trying it! Desnudo is a brothy soup that has corn nuts in it. That part is super tasty. But my teacher would not offer me extra credit to drink beef broth full of corn nuts. So what else is in this soup that makes it so special? Cow intestines. Please, don't barf on the screen. Yes, four years ago, I tried cow intestines for extra credit.

2008: This is the day that I went to tell my ex-boyfriend that we were over for good. I planned on saying adios then going home and asking Nathan to hang out. I was tired of how this other guy treated me and I liked being with Nathan. The whole walk there, I thought about Nathan and how much fun I had with him. Then I got there. I met up with this guy, he led me into a cemetery and sexually assaulted me. WORST. DAY. EVER. I ran home crying. I felt like that was the first day of the last days of my life. I hated life. I told Nathan everything. I knew I could trust him. I couldn't help but trust him. He was the best friend I had ever had (and still have)!

2009: I slept through an AP test. Not just any AP test...the SPANISH AP test. Yes, some really rude test authorities put the Spanish AP test on the Cinco de Mayo. WHO DOES THAT?! It was not funny. Especially since we took the test at seven in the morning. It's no wonder I fell asleep during the test. 
2010: I had school until two. Nathan had work at three. We had one hour to rush to Taco Bell and try to celebrate the Spanish holiday, gringo style! Unfortunately, Taco Bell makes me sick. This day though, totally beat the last two! And I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was mucho fun!

2011: This year, we're not gonna do Taco Bell, I am not taking any tests, I'm spending the day with Nathan (like it should be) and he's going to cook dinner that does not include cow intestines.We're going to party up our Cinco de Mayo like two, very very gringo college kids. =)

We're going to fiesta, until we need to siesta! =) (yes, it is common to rhyme "fiesta" and "siesta" as a gringo, and I enjoy doing it!)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Mr. Sun

Yesterday, Nathan had to work and I was left with NOTHING to do. So I decided to make some hair flowers and then when that was over, ten minutes later, I decided to go outside and paint a frame.

I sat on my drive way for three hours sanding, painting, repainting, and detailing a picture frame. I loved it! I didn't bring any music out with me. For the first ten minutes, I wished I had brought music out. After a while, I felt so relaxed. There weren't fifty million things going on in my brain at one time. It was me, that picture frame, the sun and silence.

I listened to my neighbor's saw. I listened to my other neighbor spray down their fence. I heard punks skate by and talk about their "stoner friends." I listened to the cars come by. I talked with some passing neighbors. It was simple. Derek blew bubbles (then spilled them all), then Chan blew bubbles (and did not spill any). The kids drew with chalk, rode their bikes and told me all about their imaginary trip to Tokyo. It was awesome.

I love the simplicity of silence. Yes, music is awesome, and I love listening to it, but it feels awesome to just let my brain relax. School was horrible, and I felt so overloaded. Yesterday, spending a huge amount of the day in silence, I feel like I could go another half a semester. So if I spend the rest of this week in silence, I think I'll be ready for summer semester! Woot!

p.s. I called Dean, from Disney, his phone was off...probably on set. I'll try again another day.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

There's No Place Like Home

The Wizard of Oz was released in August 1939. America learned some valuable lessons from the lion, the scarecrow, the tin-man, and, of course, Dorothy. The one thing people remember most about the movie is the end, when Dorothy finds out how to get home. She clicks her heals together three times and repeats "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

We all know what home feels like. When we watched Dorothy appear back at her home in Kansas, I bet we all felt that warm home feeling, remembering our own homes. (Or we just got up and left because the film went back to black and white at that point.)

Think about how it feels to be home. Imagine coming home after being gone for hours, days or even months. Imagine the comforting feeling you get when you feel safe while watching the news (if you feel safe watching the news...).

When I come home after any amount of time away, I feel warm and relaxed. When I get the mail (on the rare occasions that someone lets me get the mail), I get excited. I love being home. Home is by far my favorite. I hate going to school because it means I can't be at home... I know, I'm a loser, get over it.

I rarely ever venture too far from home, and if I do, I always come back. But home is not really limited to my house. It was when I was little, but it isn't anymore. I feel like I'm home whenever I'm with Nathan. I feel at home when I'm holding my camera.

Yesterday, I felt at home when I got to the LDS motion picture studios. Not immediately, but I did. Kent was showing us around, and he explained that the studios in Provo were modeled after the Disney Studios in L.A. in the 50's. That's when I felt very much like I was home. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true!

We walked through the sound stages, and I got super excited. I'm surprised I was able to stand still and listen for as long as I did.

We visited the grip and electric house. I felt comfortable (most because I knew what almost everything in there was! Go cinematography class!).

We got to see the wardrobe house, which was huge. We got to see the shops where they build the sets, it was dusty. We drove through the back lots, and that was neat. The post production offices were pretty cool: offices with computers in them!

As predictable as each area was (the grip house had stands, the make up room had make up, etc.), I felt like I was home. I felt like I really needed to get to Disney...ASAP. Then I decided I would call them...tomorrow.

Normally, I can talk myself out of doing things like that. I can be like "You don't need to call, you're not ready." And, because I know myself so well, I agree with myself. Then I don't call. This happens a lot when I've had a couple of days to think it out. Actually, I only need an hour to think it out.

Yesterday, around noon, I decided I would call Disney on Monday. Last night, around midnight, I hadn't talked myself out of it...in fact, myself was being quite stubborn and I only convinced myself more that I need to call them. That's really abnormal for me and myself. I figured it would all pass by the morning, but guess what! It's morning and, instead of backing out, I'm only becoming more excited!

Being so excited is making me nervous, though. I don't want to set myself up for failure. This isn't me just calling up the neighbor to ask if they can watch my dog while I'm away. This is the big leagues. This is my career, and if I call them and it goes well...this could be it! It's extremely scary, and yet...extremely exciting! This feels like such a pivotal moment in my life...and I have no idea how to go about doing it.

My plan is as follows:

Wake up,
get dressed,
call Disney,
then the rest is sorta foggy. If it goes well, then I will probably be prancing around the city for the next two weeks...if it goes really badly then I'll be moping around getting my books for summer semester classes...

I'm so nervous, and excited all at once. I feel like I need to be there with Disney. I haven't been able to get a stinkin job, so that must mean I get this one with Disney, right? (Hey, it's a thought.) Honestly, though, I really feel like Disney is the way to go. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm making a trip home when I think about working for Disney. I feel like any second now, my house will peak around the corner and I'll know for sure that I made it safely. I feel like this is the right direction and that I have what it takes to make it.

Disney is not my ultimate goal, but if I can work for Disney, I'll gladly do it! It's not like I'm settling for anything by working for them. In fact, it's the opposite. It would be a huge step for someone like me to work there. (By "someone like me" I mean a 19 year old Mormon girl.) I feel like working for Disney would be the single greatest thing that has happened to me since I was born.

So wish me luck. Pray that I don't crash and burn. I'll bring a parachute for the fall, just in case, but I  really need everyone's support. I'm going to try to head "home." and I hope it works out!

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place..."