0-200 Challenge: Failed

I don't know that I would really say I failed. I didn't finish the challenge, but I didn't just give up. So that's a win, right?

The first two days of each activity (squats, sit ups, and push ups) went great! Then it hurt. Which is what exercise does. It hurts. But then my insides starting burning. That's when I remembered I had a C-section five months ago. It feels like a lifetime ago, but my body disagrees.

I didn't consider a C-section major surgery because I was awake for it. They numbed me of course, but I didn't think about how they took my insides out and then put them back. That's a little bit of a major surgery. My scar healed wonderfully, and my insides felt like they were back to normal, but I guess they aren't yet.

So while I didn't finish the challenge, I also didn't complete it. Will I return to it in the future? Probably not, but never say never, right? (I have said never to a lot of things, and I regret each and every one.)

I posted "before" pictures, but I don't really have any "after" pictures.

This is as close to an after photo as I have. I don't have any of my full body. I can tell you, though, that my hair did grow half an inch, so there's that! 

I did learn from this, though. I've always been someone who just "pushes" through. This is the first thing I didn't just power through. I listened to my body (it screamed, so it wasn't hard). I feel a little bummed that I didn't finish the challenge. How cool would it be to be able to "drop and give me 200"! It's a lot cooler right now to be able to walk and hold M and not be in pain. Maybe next year I can do a challenge that won't hurt, like eating a Popsicle a day or fold my laundry in a timely manner. While only one of those is a real challenge, I can probably pull both off. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy the fact that M and I are both alright 5 months later. I'm going to enjoy our nighttime cuddles. (I use cuddles lightly. He kicks me all night and leaves me with about two inches of bed space.) I'll also be enjoying my new gig as a volunteer writer for the Orem Public Library's blog. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not too upset about not being able to do 200 sit-ups. (Though, the abs of steel would have been great!)

STEPtember; the Halfway Mark

So we aren't quite halfway, but we're close. I've been stepping for nearly two weeks. It has been an interesting two weeks.

During the first week I struggled with finding a groove. That first day was exhausting. I ended up pacing the kitchen to get the last 900 steps in. It was a good experience though. Rich and I took the opportunity to talk and come up with an action plan towards his personal goals. If I hadn't paced the kitchen, we wouldn't have given ourselves that opportunity. (I also discovered why people want heated floors. Is it possible to get frostbite from kitchen tile?)

Rich and I had the chance the second day to take my cousin to Salt Lake City. This gave us the opportunity to walk around City Creek and Temple Square in order to get my steps in. (Spoiler alert: I didn't get them in.) At Temple Square one of the hosts gave us a pamphlet. I didn't really need a pamphlet, but I carried it anyway. I actually forgot I was holding it when I went to rub my nose. I have never been more worried that I was going blind. That pamphlet jabbed my eye pretty solidly. My peripheral vision was a little blurry, and it hurt to blink. But we did get this great picture of us!

It looks like I'm squinting because of the sun...I'm not. It's because I have "pamphlet-eye."

The next few days were rough physically. My cute shoes that I love to wear are not made for walking. I felt a twinge of betrayal when I discovered blisters on my heel from walking around Utah Valley University.

Please ignore M's shirt on the floor. I promise we aren't slobs. 

I wish I could say that was the worst of it, but I feel like the following days were worse. It's easy to avoid getting blisters when the problem was the shoes It isn't easy to avoid having your legs turn to jelly when you promised to walk 10K steps a day. If muscle pain from exercising is the muscles growing stronger, then I will have legs of titanium soon. For a few days there I debated learning to walk on my hands to give my legs a break.

The second week provided different opportunities. At work, we take a moment and walk around the building (and our neighbors' buildings). Our office is right on the Provo River, so the walk is always enjoyable. I look forward to our walks. We go in groups and it's given me a chance to get to know my new office-mate. His personality contrasts my last office-mates personality in the most extreme of ways. It's been a treat to get to know him in a slightly different setting than our office. While the walk is still work-life, it's a little more relaxed and we get to talk about things other than filing insurance papers.

I haven't hit my steps this week at all. But I decided it was less about the 10K and more about the awareness and opportunities. (I must be tired. I have used the word "opportunity" more times in this post than I have in my entire life I think.)

There's a quote out there somewhere about how walking helps the brain process thoughts. It's the action of moving forward that allows the thoughts to flow more freely. I agree with that. Taking all of these walks has really allowed my brain to process a few things. Rich and I have been able to get started on his dreams. I've been able to enjoy my surroundings more. During my long walks I also am able to "find myself." I'm able to think about where I've been, and where I'm going (like from one of the park to the other...just kidding). After taking this challenge, I feel more confident in who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to accomplish. (No, Steptember isn't about me, it's about those living with Cerebral Palsy, but there have been some other great side-effects of walking so much.)

I'm already thinking ahead to October, and I think I'll keep my pedometer on. I won't aim for 10K steps, but I still want the challenge of getting up and out for some quality thinking time. (That idea might change once I walk another 160k steps. That's how many I have left to complete this month.) If you don't hear from me again it's because my legs gave out and I'm stuck somewhere wishing I had learned to walk on my hands.

PPD and Me; pt. 2 - Authenticity

Most of you know I suffer from postpartum depression (PPD). If you didn't, you do now! I explained my PPD earlier. What I didn't explain was how difficult it is to remain "authentic" or true to myself. 

It's common knowledge that everyone puts their best foot forward when sharing personal stories online. Hollywood has trained us to want happy endings. You read a story about someone's difficulties in hopes there is a nice ending, an ending that makes you smile. The truth of reality is there are no such things as "happy endings" while we're still alive. That's not to say there aren't happy moments. Because there are a ton of those. It's that they aren't endings. There aren't really any endings in life. Everything is a moment passing by. (I feel like the way I'm phrasing this is really cynical and depressing, but I'm not meaning to say it that way. I'm trying to convey that life doesn't create neatly packaged little stories for you. Life is a string of moments--both happy and sad--that continue forever. It's not a bad thing.)

I enjoy "happy endings" in stories. I enjoy finding out that the dog finds a "furever" home. I love when strangers help each other out of tragic situations. I'm not immune to those. They melt my heart. But they are never the whole story. The dog doesn't find a home and then cease to exist. He'll likely pee on the carpet, get scolded for stealing table food, or bark at 3 in the morning. The stranger that carried the old woman through flood waters has to go back to a destroyed home. The old woman now has to worry about finding food when she is unable to walk alone. It's not all flowers and sunshine. It's life. 

That's what I want to share with you today. I want to be real with you. I want to be "authentic". It's important to me that you understand you aren't alone. You experience setback and pains and there is no "happily ever after" for some of those. This story isn't going to end, at least not with "and then my PPD went away and I was able to live happily forever!" It'll likely end subtly, after many ups and downs. I won't wake up one morning and have my PPD suddenly be washed away in the shower. It'll take time, and I likely won't realize it's gone until months after when I haven't posted about it, when I haven't thought about it. And I likely won't know what to say to wrap it into a neat little package. 

It's difficult to maintain authenticity when you suffer from any sort of mental illness. It's not because we don't want to be ourselves, but because no one wants to hear about the sad parts. People want to hear that you're "okay". They want to know that you aren't suffering. Not because they don't care, but because they can't help. That's alright. There's nothing wrong with wanting our loved ones to be okay. I always want my loved ones to be more than okay. I also want myself to be "okay". Some days, though, I'm just not okay. And that's alright. I don't always need to be okay. But I always need to be honest about it. 

We all do. It never helps anyone to put on a mask and pretend they're okay when friends ask. It helps them to be honest. It helps to say "hey, you know what, I am suffering from a lot of anxiety right now, and I don't think I can meet up for lunch." It helps to be able to answer "I'm not doing so great" when someone asks how you are. That's what relieves some of the pressure. 

Society unintentionally wants us to all be "okay." We want happy answers. We want to feel like the world is alright. Because of that, those suffering feel like we are burdening the world. We answer "okay" so we don't create more problems. It's not fair to "unload" by telling people we aren't okay. 

You can't tell, but these are
my footy pajamas. 

But that's all wrong. Not just that society wants us to answer "okay", but that we are burdens. We aren't. When I began suffering from PPD, I didn't want people to know. I wasn't ashamed, I just felt like it didn't need to be shared. I don't introduce myself and say "I'm Morgan, and I have postpartum depression. Also I sleep in footy pajamas." Those aren't things we say to each other right off the bat. But they are things we should say (maybe not the pajamas part, but seriously they're perfect for cold nights). The more I thought about it and read about PPD, the more I understood that in order for life to get better, I had to let others acknowledge the "not okay" parts. 

I had to say "hey, I know you were going to come visit, but I am suffering from some major depression and having company is overwhelming to me. Can we take a raincheck?" Know what that friend answered? "Of course! I'm really sorry to hear you're suffering from that. I know it can't be easy. I'll text you in a couple of days to see how you're doing." And then she did. She wasn't ignoring the problem, she was giving me space, and then showing she cared about me. 

By writing this, I want to show others they aren't alone. I'm not trying to normalize depression (because it's already a normal thing in the lives of most people). I want people to understand that PPD, and life in general, doesn't need to be perfectly cropped Instagram photos, or "happily ever afters". Life is a string of events. 

I so badly want to write happy endings on this blog. I want to say "Look at what I overcame." The truth is, my life isn't like that. I have overcome a lot (C-section anyone?), but I also am continuing to do that. My life isn't in cute little boxes. My life is more like my office, a cluttered mess of things I need. My life is a series of going to the elementary school, going to work, trying to get M to let go of my hair, and acknowledging that I can't do it all. 

Just like every other blogger on the planet, I want views. If I didn't want views, I wouldn't be putting it online. What gets views? Happy endings. Happy endings spread like wildfire. My blog will have happy moments, and happy posts, but it's likely not going to have a lot of happy endings. That's not authentic. It's not real. 

Real is me telling you that I had to stop doing the 0-200 challenge I mentioned because I had a C-section four months ago. Real is me showing you my life, good and bad, without sugar coatings. It's tough to do that. No one wants to read about someone else's failures (unless you want to make yourself feel better about your own...). 

If you're wondering what
oil made my nose scruch,
it was this one.

10K a Day can be painful.

As I write about PPD and my experiences with it, I fight with myself. "Throw in a happy ending." "No, don't do that. That's not real." "What is real?" "I don't know, I don't remember philosophy 1010." It's a constant discussion in my head. It's hard. It's hard to say "I am not perfect" because I am perfectly me. My leg currently doesn't want to walk a whole lot (10,000 steps is a lot a day). My inside scars don't feel so great. I'm exhausted and I don't want to see people. But I want to put on a happy face and share silly anecdotes (like the time I fell backwards over a chair in front of at least 2 dozen people). I want to tell you about how bad I am at keeping my facial expressions even when smelling the worst essential oil I have ever smelled. Sometimes, those feel like lies. They all happened, but they don't always feel real because there's more than that little tidbit. It's important to me to share all the aspects of life, the good, the bad, and the ridiculous. That's what I find authentic. Sometimes I'll have moments that seem like happy endings, but they're really just happy moments. Sometimes, I'll write painfully long posts about how hard it is to make important connections when it takes all your effort to just get out of bed.  

PPD has made it abundantly clear to me that life isn't all happy moments. There is the flip side where things are hard and dark. Those moments need to be shared, too. Without sugar, without funny pictures, without a happy ending. PPD doesn't have happy endings. It doesn't have sad ones either. It just doesn't have an ending. It might fade over time, maybe you "get over it", but it will forever shape your life. You will forever have that moment in your life. That's what life is about. Nothing truly ends. It continues and grows and morphs into more than one moment. I'll look back on this PPD someday and I'll remember how it shaped my ability to write. I'll remember what sacrifices I made just to take care of M. It will be a part of my life forever. It might not be active, but it will never end. 

Is It Family Friendly?: Timpanogos Cave

Every year the local elementary school takes a fieldtrip to Timpanogos Cave. This year, I had the privilege of being a chaperon. The last time I went was when I was 9 on the same school fieldtrip. 

How I remember the trip: 

-Short

-Fun

-Easy

-Interesting

How it ended up being this time: 

-LONG

-TIRING

-Incredibly uphill

-Interesting

So at least I remembered about 25% of it correctly. 

For those of you who have never been, but are debating it, here's a map for reference. 

Hand drawn by D. 

Study that map. It's definitely not to scale, but notice the steep hills? He wasn't wrong. 

Okay, let's talk about the possible "cons" to this trip.

First, just because it is possible, doesn't mean you should do it. Yes, a bunch of fourth graders can trek up the mountain, but should you really do that? That's up to you. (To the parents of some of those fourth graders, probably only do it if you have a leash on your kid.)

A lot of people want to take their kids up to the cave, which is awesome. It's an awesome experience to go inside. The park doesn't allow strollers, though. So anyone who can't walk long distances has to be backpacked in. I honestly would never hike that trail with an extra fifteen pounds strapped to me. I barely made it just walking myself up! The trail is really steep. You're climbing 1,092 feet up the mountainside. There are frequent rockfalls, and as such there are places where you absolutely cannot stop. A lot of those places are near the top, when you're the most tired. Worst planning ever. Like couldn't they put the rock falls lower down? What the heck park planning committee! 

Seriously, there are frequent rockfalls. A ranger told us about a lady who lost her hand (that's right, took it clean off) to a rock the size of a baseball that had fallen from above. If that doesn't scare you, then I don't know what will. 

Okay, so say you're okay lugging an extra fifteen pounds up the mountain. Inside the cave should be a cake walk, right? Wrong. You cannot touch anything in the cave except the handrails. So little curious hands have to be kept tucked in. 

In some places, you have to hunch down and nearly crawl. Imagine trying to do that with fifteen pounds strapped to you while not letting any part of you touch the walls. It's like the game Operation, but more strenuous. Crawling through solo wasn't bad, even with my backpack. 

Some of the tasks, like climbing around hunched over, are worth it to see the inside of this cave. Trust me. I personally don't think it's worth lugging a toddler up the mountain, though. 

Back to the trail, there isn't a lot of shade. We got lucky and went on an overcast day, but other than that, there wasn't much shade. There are trees here and there, but mostly you're hiking in the sun. And there are no water fountains. There are benches periodically, which are nice. But again, they aren't always in the shade. If you do decide to go, bring a lot of water (but there are no trash cans...you pack down what you pack up). Also wear a lot of sunblock. Like SPF 3,000. It gets really sunny on that trail. 

I've pointed out some of the possible problems with taking kids on the hike, now let's talk about the good parts of it. 

It's gorgeous. The kids loved to look out over the valley and see things from a different point of view. They're usually looking up at everything, but this time they got to look down. 

They also loved the wildlife. The rangers said you can occasionally see mountain goats and rattlesnakes. We didn't get so lucky. We saw chipmunks, though! They were friendly enough to try to steal your lunch if you weren't looking. 

The cave itself is amazing! (If you're going to get technical, it's three caves all connected.) The formations have taken centuries to form. They grow anywhere from the width of a dime/year, to 1/4 an inch a century. These things are incredible! At one point you're 500 feet underground. The fact that there is a giant hole in the mountain just hanging out is fascinating! It makes me wonder what else is in the mountains. 

This is a sort of picture of the "heart" of the caves. It's about five feet tall, and about three feet around, but it weighs an estimated 2 tons (or 4,000 pounds). What!? And it's just hanging from the ceiling! Is that not amazing?!

It's these things that really make it worth the visit. Would I take C (15), B (12), D (9), E (5) and M (0)? No. Not a chance. I am not lugging M up that hill. And keeping an eye on E, keeping her from the edge of the cliff would be nearly impossible. She would be toast. I would definitely take C, B, and D, though. (After I get some serious leg training in.) 

All in all, it's a fun trip. You know your family best. Can you keep your little ones from sprinting off the cliffs? Can you carry an extra 15-20 pounds up the mountain? Can you handle being in the sun for nearly 5 hours? If you answered yes to all of these questions then this trip might be for your family! If not, maybe wait a year or two until your kids are able to walk themselves up in an orderly fashion. 

I do plan on taking M someday. Just not anytime soon. He won't remember the cave anyway. It's not worth it to me. I would much rather hit up a shorter trail with less chance of death. I've heard there are petroglyphs in Provo Canyon that can be reached easily. Maybe I'll try that out! If you do decide to hike Timp Cave, let me know how it goes! 

(P.S. the round trip does get you 10,000+ steps, in case you need to get some in.)

STEPtember

Do you guys remember the ALS ice bucket challenge? Of course you do! You probably caught pneumonia participating. But it was fun! More than that, though, it raised both awareness and the funds necessary to research the disease. $220 Million was raised to help scientists research ALS, and less than 12 months after the freezing cold viral trend, researchers were able to find a protein that appears to link directly to ALS. What! That's amazing! According to Jonathan Ling, a member of the research team, this is a huge step in being able to slow the effects of ALS. How exciting is that!

What if we had the opportunity to raise that kind of awareness for other diseases and disorders? What if we could all chug a chocolate milk and find a cure for cancer? Would you do it? Probably. Chocolate milk is amazing. Curing cancer is amazing. Nothing about that sounds awful at all.

Know what does sound awful? Cerebral Palsy.

"Cerebral Palsy (CP) is an umbrella term that refers to a group of disorders affecting a person's ability to move. It is a life-long condition, but generally does not worsen over time. It is due to damage to the developing brain either during pregnancy or shortly after birth." 

I'll take twenty chocolate milks, please. According to the Cerebral Palsy Alliance Research Foundation (cparf.org) Cerebral Palsy is the most common physical disability in childhood.

CP affects everyone differently. It can affect everything from muscle control and coordination to posture and balance. That doesn't sound like a tall glass of chocolate milk. It doesn't even sound like being drenched in ice water. It sounds challenging.

You know the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"? While that's absolutely true for children, it also takes a village to help someone living with CP. While no care-giver would ever trade their child/friend/parent/loved one for another that didn't have CP, I'm sure they would give anything to take the challenge away from them. Who wouldn't? We watch our loved ones struggle with small things like smacking their head on a doorknob and we wish we could take away the pain. It hurts to watch someone you love struggle while you stand by feeling helpless.

This is where STEPtember comes in. (I capitalize the first half of that because when I first read it, I genuinely thought it was just September.)



STEPtember is our new ice bucket challenge. It's not nearly as freezing, but it is equally as important. STEPtember is the chance we have to raise awareness for CP, as well as money to fund research.

You might have guessed what STEPtember's "ice bucket" is. Walking. That's right. Good, old fashioned walking. (Is walking old fashioned?) The goal is 10,000 steps a day for 28 days. ("10K a day" if you will.)

Just like with any challenge, it's difficult to go it alone. STEPtember allows you to create teams, making it a little friendly competition. You can, and should, also talk to your friends, family, and neighbors to help support you. The point isn't to walk 10K a day. The point is to be active, and to raise awareness. It's a win-win, unlike the ice bucket challenge which was not a win for some people (how many people got clocked with a bucket?).

Some of us don't walk. Some of us prefer other activities, such as golfing, basketball, yoga, or even crossfit. Guess what! STEPtember has a conversion chart for those. This isn't limited to those with fully able bodies, either. They have a conversion for manual wheelchairs. This is an activity for everybody that will benefit so many lives, not just those with CP.

Check out this cute little thing. It's a pedometer that was mailed to me by STEPtember's organization. Many of us have smartphones that track our steps, or fit-bits, or apple watches. I only have a smartphone (I say only as if I'm deprived...). I like to wear dresses and leggings that don't have pockets. While I can stuff my phone into my waistband, that's not my favorite thing to do. That's why I requested they send me a pedometer (free of charge). It's bite-sized! It comes with a lanyard so you can wear it around your neck, or you can clip it to your pants, or just put it into your pocket. Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.

The STEPtember challenge doesn't start until Labor Day (9/4/17), but I've been practicing to get a feel for how much I would need to walk to get 10K a day in. Want to see what that looks like on me?

This is D and me after we took 10K steps on Thursday. Granted, our steps were up a mountain, through a cave, and back down. I imagine flat ground stepping will be immensely easier. Here's the thing, if D can do it, anyone can do it. We have no excuse.

Have to go grocery shopping? Walk up and down every aisle (but don't go to the store hungry, you will buy every aisle, right?).

Your office is in another city and walking/biking isn't feasible? Park in the farthest spot from the door. I'm sure plenty of them are open.

You have a desk job? Walk to the other side of the office to give a message instead of just calling/emailing. Besides, I've heard it's important to get up every 15-30 minutes and stretch your legs if you sit at a desk all day.

Need time for the family? Guess what! Kids have so much energy! Take a walk to the local park, let the kids play while you walk the rounds, or better yet, play tag with them! This isn't a solitary activity.

Sometimes, I realize, there are those with limited ability, but that doesn't exclude you from helping. Donate a dollar to the team with your favorite name (hint, it's "Blistah Sistahs"). Share the STEPtember page (or this blog post) with your friends via social media. Offer to host a bake sale, garage sale, poker game where the proceeds go to CP research.

Together, we can do this. We really can. Can I walk 10K a day? Probably not. Am I going to give it my all and tell everyone why I'm doing it? You betchya! (I'm going to be worse than that one crossfit friend that talks exclusively about their workouts and how it has transformed their life.) I'll also be looking for ways to raise funds for this cause. (Anyone want apple pie cookies, or a Halloween wreath?)

Join me and together we can conquer CP!!!

Really though, let's do this. You already move throughout the day, might as well do it for a cause.

Check back weekly for updates on how sore my legs are. STEPtember, here I come!!