Sunday, May 16, 2010


Let's be five for a second.

When I was five I went to kindergarten. I made friends, all boys. My teacher told me I was really a big girl because I didn't think boys were icky. (Little did she know, I never ever thought of boys as icky.) When someone stole my toys, I didn't go steal toys from someone else, I didn't even steal my toys back! Instead, I asked the kid nicely if we could share, or I told my teacher I needed help. I got rewarded for that too. I learned very quickly that "she did it first" was NOT an excuse. Overall, I had a great childhood.

Now let's jump this direction, to 18.

I'm graduating. I made new friends in my college classes, almost ALL boys again. One of my best friends is a boy actually. No one is telling me I'm a big girl. In fact, they all wonder if I have any friends at all. Everyone tells me I need friends that are girls. HELLO! I DO HAVE THOSE! Not as many, but I still have them! My sisters steal my stuff ALL THE TIME, and I still don't steal back. When I ask for help, I'm told to just steal their clothes. Apparently "she did it first" is a legitimate excuse these days. What happened?

I don't know what happened. I honestly have no bloody clue. I used to be rewarded for having Derek as my best friend. Now with Nathan as my best friend everyone is flipping out at me. Nathan isn't any different than Derek (concept wise). Why should I give up my best guy friends because I'm a girl? What sense does that make? I have girl friends. I don't have a million, but I have enough. I have at least three in my ward, and a bunch more at school. I don't see why I need more.

Why should I steal stuff just because someone else does it? That doesn't set me apart from them. Seeking revenge usually just makes you as low as the other person. Why would I want to be classed with someone like that? If I wanted to be like them, I'd steal ALL their stuff, not just my stuff back.

Since when have parents been able to say "well everyone is doing it."? Seriously. I thought MORMONS were raised better than that. I thought WE were the ones who were supposed to rise above and NOT do what EVERYONE else is doing. Isn't that why we wear shorts to our knees, shirts that cover our boobs AND shoulders, and keep our "temples" pure? I mean if "Everyone is doing it" is a legit excuse, then why do we even try to be different?

If kindergarten is where we're supposed to learn how to become civilized people then why aren't we civilized now? If this is how ALL adults are going to be, then why don't we just set children loose in a room and say "survival of the fittest!"? I really don't understand. I stick to what I was "conditioned" to do, and I'm punished by society. I do what society tells me to do, and I'm still punished by society.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Two Years Ago (poem)

You're that red shirt,
That I loved to wear.
You hugged me
and held me.
You fit perfectly.
You're those old jeans
That I loved so much.
Holes in the hems,
and stains in the knees.
You're those white shoes,
Blackened by time.
The ones that jingled with each step.
You're the clothes
from years gone by.
The ones I gave away,
'cause they don't fit anymore

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

About to get nerdy

Beware: This post is crazy nerdy! And sadly, it's what I think about in the shower sometimes.

To be a natural law theorist, you have to first be both a divine command theorist AND an existentialist...which if you think about is a contradictory. Divine command theorists believe that God has the ultimate say and that there is always a RIGHT and a WRONG for EVERYBODY. Existentialists are moral relativists in a sense. They believe shedding all paradigms and living as YOURSELF. It's funny how natural law theory is my favorite theory but it's such a contradiction when you break it down. Maybe that's why I'm always confused!


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Newest Goal

I hate Egypt. There's just something about Egypt that I can't stand. I have no idea why, I just do. I'm not mean to Egyptians or anything. I just don't like them. If I come across one I don't hate on them, I just try to be polite until it's all over. I hate mummies from Egypt. Mummies from South America are great, mummies from Egypt are DISGUSTING! Pyramids creep me out if they're from Egypt. Pyramids from any other nation are super exciting! I can't pinpoint it, but I just have this huge disliking for all things Egyptian.

Then there's Italy. I would kill to go to Italy. I can stare at images of Italy forever. I seriously can. I could even stand to sit through an Italian history lesson. I hate history! I don't know what fascinates me so much with Italy...probably the same thing that drives me to hate Egypt. I love Italian food (even though I guarantee it's nothing like the food in Italy). I love Italian words. I love Italian fashions. Even though I can't stand run down buildings, I could stand to live in one in Italy.

I was talking to Nathan about this, and he came up with a brilliant idea. Why not get a sponsorship to go to Italy for one reason or another! It's a great idea! I could search out sponsorships from a museum or something and go research the culture of Italy. I know Woodbury is HUGE on culture...and they love to do galleries. I would do it! I'd do anything they asked me to! If they told me to learn to sculpt while out there, I'd do it. If they told me to photograph insects out there, I'd do it! I'd do anything they told me to IF they paid for most my way out there.

That's my new goal. I'm going to work my tail off this next year in school (or maybe two) and I'm going to learn every possible photography thing I can. Then I'll go to work on the sponsorship thing. I'll make sure I visit every museum and learn about what kind of things they look for. Then I'll do it!

I am going to Italy one way or another, and if this doesn't work out I'm sure I'll find another way to get there.