When The Sun Comes Out

Have you ever walked on a tightrope? Yeah...me either. But I feel like I'm walking the depression tightrope.

After numerous doctor appointments, therapy sessions, and trying a million vitamins I have finally found a combination that works for me! When I first took one of the depression tests (with the numbers) I scored 28. The doctor told me 0-5 is "normal." Clearly I was way out of that range. I took one of those tests again after a month of medication, probiotics, and specific vitamins. I scored 3. 3! Can you believe it? THREE! Best score of my life! It has felt like the clouds have parted, finally!

It was Walk the Moon that
first gave me butterflies.

If you have depression or anxiety, you know that most days are grey, mucky, and just blah. Once in a while you'll hit a day when the sun peaks through a little, and you immediately do everything until you collapse with exhaustion. Then the clouds set in again. It seems like there isn't an end in sight.

I've been there. Literally, just a few weeks ago I didn't think there would ever be a way to feel "normal" again.

I first noticed how "normal" I was when I got butterflies from a favorite song. Since being hit with depression, music has just been noise I used to keep my mind busy. I have loved music for most of my life. The moment I realized how music affected me again after so long, I was floored (and then I had to work hard not to floor it in my Mazda...). It wasn't just music either! Movies!! I saw Black Panther twice because I wanted to! When we see movies twice, it's usually because Rich wants to, and I just enjoy tagging along. But this time, I wanted to go. I loved every second of the movie both times. That's not what I'm used to.

Music, movies, crafts, TV, sleeping, sexy time with my hubby...everything is suddenly so amazing. I feel fully connected to the world again! It's incredible to wake up every day now!

It's also scary. I worry that it will all fall apart and the clouds will return. It's been more than a week of feeling connected. It's hard not to feel like I could fall off this tightrope at any moment and plunge into the depths of depression again. I have to always reassure myself that it's all working and if it doesn't I have enough resources now to work it out again. As much as we all wish our depression or anxiety would just disappear, it doesn't. As we become "normal" again, the memory of the depression, the fear of it coming back, never leaves. It's a small price to pay, though.

The sun coming out again is worth every effort. There are a lot of people (including myself) who think certain things won't work for us. I avoided therapy for a long time. I didn't feel like there were things that I needed to "work out" with a stranger. Guess what! I was wrong. I didn't have any pent up issues that were particularly dragging me down, but my therapist gave me so many tools to smoothly navigate day to day problems. Plus, I really like her now. She doesn't feel like a stranger.

Some people don't want to use medications for one reason or another. I, personally, don't like the idea

My daily pills, neatly organized. 

of filling my body with synthetic medications. I do like the idea of enjoying life again, though. Plus, my doctor has given me other things to help along side the medication so that I don't have to use as much. He did a full blood and oxygen work up to be sure there weren't other things making me tired and causing a chemical imbalance. We discovered I'm vitamin D deficient. So he put he on some prescription strength vitamin D. As I mentioned before, I also take probiotics daily.

One of my medications (the Wellbutrin) makes me nauseated. My doctor offered me three options:
1. Go back down to a lower dose and see if that helps with the nausea without taking away the things I need it for.
2. Take an anti-nausea medication along side my regular medication.
3. Take a ginger and vitamin B6 supplement every morning (and throughout the day as needed).

I chose door number 3. The vitamins and ginger. It helped immediately.

It's true that you might need more than one type of medication to help get you through. I take two different anti-depressants, probiotics, ginger, and two different vitamins daily. That's what it took to get my chemicals balanced out.

He's my sun. 

If you aren't comfortable with a treatment plan a doctor recommends, either tell him/her or find a new doctor. Ask around and see which doctors specialize in depression. You can try as many different doctors as you need to find the one that fits you (as long as you aren't looking for narcotics at each different doctor). Same with a therapist. It might be true that you don't have any pent up issues from your childhood. But maybe, just maybe, they can offer you tips. One thing that helped me was that my therapist pointed out that if I'm on an anti-depressant and I'm still depressed, then it isn't working. Sounds like common sense, but I was so used to cloudy muck that I didn't realize there even could be sun.

And he's my son. (bu-dum-tss)

What I'm trying to say is don't give up. More than that, don't settle. Don't just try one option and give up when it doesn't work. It's a different experience for everyone. I take a slew of things to help. You might only need to take one, or none! Maybe you need vitamins, or maybe you need more oxygen at night. Maybe you just need to empty the junk drawer in your mind. Each person experiences depression for different reasons, but we all want out for the same reason. Depression sucks. It takes away your life, it ruins relationships, and it holds you back. You are capable of a lot. Don't let the clouds make you forget what the sun is like.

Pull out all the stops and dive into your own treatment plans. Don't write off any suggestion until you've given it a solid go. Find the sun in your life again.