This journey I'm on hasn't ended. I can't write in the past tense when I talk about depression, transitioning to stay at home mom, and many other things. It's not "I had depression." For me it's "I have depression." It's "I am learning to handle being at home." Not "was." It's still happening, right this very second.
I want to share this journey but it's hard. Not because the experiences are hard, but because there is no ending yet. I can say I went to the doctor. That's neat. It's still inconclusive at this point but it's still neat I guess.
The stories that reach into people and connect with them have endings. They either have endings that make us feel good or endings we relate to. We can relate to the pain of losing a loved one after a long battle. We can also relate to finally getting that breakthrough job you've worked so hard for. As humans we love those stories because of the hope they give us. Hope that hard things come to an end. Hope that we too can smile after the storm passes. But that's not the point of the story I'm in.
I'm in the middle. There are stories I have that have ended, and I could write about those, but most of us aren't dwelling on our endings. We're focused on our middles (some of us go to the gym to work on our middles even!). I don't go through my day thinking "Oh my gosh, I'm so glad that two years ago that person apologized for hurting my feelings years earlier." While I do like that neat ending to a rough story, I live my day by thinking "okay, how can I get to an end in this?" We all do. Each story in our lives does come to an end, but before that we have to muddle through the middles.
My story, right now, isn't "I beat depression!" It's not "I have mastered being a stay at home mom! Bring on some triplets!" It's "How in the world do I do those dishes when I honestly can barely get up?" It's "I love my baby with all my heart, but man this is tough stuff!" I'm still figuring out how to boost my brain chemicals, how to change the way I act and think so I am not self-sabotaging, and how the heck I'm going to tire M out enough so I can nap too!
My middle is filled with doctor appointments, crying, and way too many chocolate oranges. It's trying to medicines. It's learning to backtrack and overcome anxieties. It's pajamas all day. It's forgetting to get the plates from Grandma's for three days in a row.
I want so badly to reach out to other women, to let them know that life is one big middle. That they aren't alone. That those neatly packaged stories happen to everyone, just at different times. Those who share complete stories had middles. They had tears. They had pajama days. They had moments of utter loneliness. Their dishes got dirty. They wore grungy T-shirts just to avoid doing laundry. And some of them are still doing it, because they are in a new middle. There will never be a time in your life when all the stories close at one time, just like there won't be a time when you finish your shampoo and conditioner at the same time. As one story ends, you'll find you were already in the middle of another this whole time!
I'm going to try to do my best to share my middles, so you know you aren't alone. I feel like the posts won't make sense, they won't be satisfying. There's nothing less satisfying than being unable to see how the story ends. In order to get to the end, though, you have to go through the middle. I want you to be in the middle with me. I want you to see that I don't try to crop out dirty dishes in the kitchen for Instagram. I want you to see me in the same shirt two days in a row because changing is just too dang much effort. I want you to know that at the end of the day when you realize your forgot to brush your teeth after breakfast, I'm right there with you. I want you to know that this is all of us. Those "fitness goal" girls you follow on Instagram don't smell nice after they sweat. They stink just like the rest of us. The "make-up goals" ladies? They don't do that every single day. Can you imaging the time they would spend daily just to look like that?! They would never have time to do dishes either! All these women that you look up to, that you admire, they have middles. We all have middles. Let's finish our stories together, middle after middle after dreary middle.
And because no post is complete without at least one picture of M, here you go!
Note the mess at the top of the picture? That's my life, every day. So don't feel bad if I don't invite you over; I just don't want you to crush the puffs into my carpet and I don't have it in me to vacuum.
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